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AMA
Original poster

I'm 20 with an older boyfriend AMA

107 replies

bathtimesanity · 26/12/2018 22:04

I'm currently debating the topic of being in a relationship with an older man on another thread and got a lot of questions there, some criticism and cynical views too- so thought I'd do an AMA to give some honest answers and my view on older/younger relationships!

Promise to answer honestly! :)

OP posts:
cupofteapleasee · 27/12/2018 08:16

God I thought you meant an old man not 35

PsychedelicSheep · 27/12/2018 08:43

The arrogance of youth eh Wink

I've been with a man 11 years younger than me for the last 5 years, never occurred to me that anyone would be remotely interested though!

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 08:48

I was in a similar position when i was 22. He was 40.

I’m now nearing 40 and I look back and cringe. He was so obviously only into me for physical/control reasons.

Good luck if you want this to be anything serious OP. You’ll need it.

Dimsumlosesum · 27/12/2018 08:54

Lmao, it's only a 15 yr gap. I thought it'd be at least 20 or something.

Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:02

@salopek that's great :) I only did it like i said before as I get a lot of questions on here when I mention it in relevant threads/and or judgement, as well as sometimes in my real life.

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epicclusterfuck · 27/12/2018 09:02

Are you moving away to go to uni?

Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:03

@Youmadorwhat that's great, see the answer I gave to @salopek :) sorry if this thread isn't for you! You don't have to read it. Wink

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:04

@epicclusterfuck No, I'm lucky that there are many near us within an hour/hour 20 mins train ride. All of them good too. :)

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:05

@TheSheepofWallSt I've said already (quite a few times) I'm planning on getting my degree FIRST (it's what I'm working on right now) THEN trying for a child once I've graduated. I know my parents would be disappointed if I had a child now. (And so would I tbh!)

I agree, it would be bonkers to have one whilst doing any degree really! :)

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:07

@Loopytiles that's great that that's worked out for you. I do have a well paid job now and will do whilst studying. I have enough money at the moment to cover all my bills and rent, as well as have some left over for myself. It's very important to me too.

Many women have children after finishing university. I will be at least 25 by then providing I conceive at 24. I might even finish uni then decide to pursue my career for a year before even starting to try! Who knows.

My boyfriend is open to any choice.

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:26

@Helmetbymidnight I hope not. I don't think there's anything to be embarrassed by, but thanks for the feedback, I'm answering questions about my current situation right not and my plans for the future in my current situation. What's there to e embarrassed by?

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Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 09:27

Many women do have DC young, yes, but this usually has a negative impact on work and money, long term. You’ll have spent many years and tens of thousands of pounds seeking to become a lawyer. A career that is very difficult to enter and maintain for women with DC.

If you have a DC at that age and career stage you will likely struggle workwise and financially, unless your DH does the majority of parenting and domestic work , which could work but gives rise to different risks, eg him having residency of DC if you break up.

You probably wouldn’t be able to afford “full time plus” childcare to cover a lawyer’s hours as a single parent. So it would be difficult to end the relationship, should you wish to do so.

Waiting until you’re much closer to 30 to ttc would be more sensible given your career and financial aims, but difficult with an older partner.

Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:29

@MsTSwift My first serious one. I have dated once before. I have many hobbies, I'm not obsessed with my relationship- this is a thread about it, of course I'm going to talk about it?Confused I enjoy yoga, reading, cycling, hiking etc in spare time if you're interested.

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:31

@Loopytiles I've explained my reasoning to you and my plans, how I'm happy etc and yet you still are trying to pick apart all my answers with your 'superior' knowledge of how my entire life will turn out. I feel like no longer engaging with you as you're not asking questions anymore you're just picking apart my answers. Thank you. I appreciate your concern but it is no longer wanted.

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:34

@Thistle86 thank you! It's lovely to hear from someone whose experienced similar. I can definitely see myself with him years to come, I wouldn't stay in the relationship if I didn't.

Regarding disagreements, we don't often have full blown arguments, it's usually about how to care for our dog/discipline him- he's also just had surgery so I'm being really strict about keeping to the vets post op instructions and he's wanting to do it 'his way'😉😂

I would love to PM, I have no idea how to do it on the app though! X

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:35

@pregnantvirgin contradicting name- I like it!Grin No, definitely not! I have loads of different interesting things about me, things I've experienced, seen etc.

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:36

@pregnantvirgin contradicting name- I like it!Grin No, definitely not! I have loads of different interesting things about me, things I've experienced, seen etc.

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:38

@cupofteapleasee No! Thankfully 😉 i just said older as he obviously is older than me. (And not just by a few years).

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:39

@cupofteapleasee No! Thankfully 😉 i just said older as he obviously is older than me. (And not just by a few years).

@PsychedelicSheep haha, sorry, I'm not meaning to come across as arrogant- I'm just sure of my answers :)

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis Thank you! I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out and he wasn't good to you. Definitely agree that power/control issues can be more prominent in age gap relationships, but thankfully I haven't experienced any hint of that yet. (I certainly wouldn't stand for it!)

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DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 27/12/2018 09:42

Your age gap isn't that huge to be honest. At 20 I married a man who is 22 years older than me. That was 25 years ago.
What will happen one day is that you will look at him and realise that he's an old man. This would happen with a younger man too, but normally you'd be old too! It shouldn't matter if the relationship is good, but it can be a shock.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 09:43

On a public forum you may not get the posts you’d prefer.

Have’t said anything about how your life may turn out.

Some of your assumptions are not well founded.

It’s early days for your current relationship and studies/career, and your plans are hypothetical.

You’re investing a lot of time and effort and money in your studies.

Should you stay with your partner, there will be trade offs between maintaining the relationship (eg your working hours, where you live) and having DC young/very early in your working life ( due to his age) and achieving your career and (personal) financial ambitions. More so than with a boyfriend closer in age to you.

IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 09:44

bath why are you sorry it didn’t work out? i’m far happier that it didn’t, it was just a fling.

Whenever women say ‘I wouldn’t stand for xyz’ I’m always deeply suspicious. It’s always doormattish women who say it ime.

Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:49

@IAmAlwaysLikeThis I said sorry to be polite, and I am definitely not a doormat. How insultingz

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Original poster
bathtimesanity · 27/12/2018 09:50

sorry! *insulting.

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IAmAlwaysLikeThis · 27/12/2018 09:50

Of course you’re not, dear.

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