I am the mother of a trans child ...AMA

[DoryNow]

But no bun fights please, I am not a trans activist.

Sure ArcheryAnnie but the OP is explaining how she supported her child in finding his narrative. You have a different narrative which is your choice and it’s great you had this choice, but don’t seek to impose your narrative on others. Getting medical help for transitioning is a long and arduous process with plenty of safeguards. No one is marched off to irreversible treatmenent at the mention of wanting to cut their hair short.

No, but equally no-one suffering what is a mental health condition (yes, it is, and no, it’s nothing like being gay) should be treated with surgery removing healthy body parts and medication resulting in sterilisation. The NHS should be utterly ashamed of themselves and I hope they’ve got deep pockets for the lawsuits to come.

Booboostwo correcting obvious innacuracies, and pointing out that we are very far from "outsiders" is not "imposing my narrative" on anyone.

I just think FtM transitional never be enough and the individual is eventually going to have to face up to the fact that they will never be a real man.

It also sounds like there isn't much parents can do if their teen is going down this path.

" transition will"

So...what should she have done? If your child is depressed, self-harming, suicidal, able to leave home and do what they are going to do regardless, at 18 deemed an adult and can/will go no-contact....then what? Those of you with kids...would you really risk being estranged from them because you wanted to hold firmly to your beliefs?
How do you stop an 18 year old from making decisions you don't agree with? And more to the point, do you even have the right to tell them at 18 they don't know what they're doing?! Good luck with that.

MozzieMagnet one of the huge problems with the current narrative around gender nonconforming children and young people is the habit of organisations like Mermaids - and here, you - to tell everyone, again and again, that if gender nonconforming kids don't have immediate, full unconditional support in transing, they are at risk of suicide. As the Samaritans could tell you, this in itself promotes suicidal ideation, and increases the risk of suicide.

Please think carefully when making this sort of argument. It's not only not helpful, but it actively increases the risk to young gender nonconforming people.

Thank you for answering. I’ve just shown my cousin (we’ve not really discussed before). She was quite upset reading the thread and said she definitely ‘felt’ like a boy and that she was ‘stuck in the wrong body’ etc. She said the feelings were consistent and puberty was incredibly hard.

She said it wasn’t until mid/late 20s that she felt content with being female. Now (late 30s) she says she has no desire to be a man! (Aparantly the brain doesn’t fully mature until age 25).

She said the thought of her being put on hormones and not having her own DC is really frightening and she’s convinced that is what would have happened if she was growing up now.

Apparently there are many, many similar stories. What are your thoughts on this OP?

a mental health condition (yes, it is, and no, it’s nothing like being gay)

This is bloody offensive. I think of all the past physical diagnosis that were thought to be mental disorders. How do you know for absolutely certainty we just dont understand the mechanism behind it yet. Chances are mental disorders are chemical imbalances or failures or just differences.

I'm watching this thread like a car crash. Is noone able to even hear a non gender critical viewpoint without been hounded into silence?

FWIW I've read most of the links from both sides on this thread. Imo There's good and bad bits to both. But out of the respect to the OP im trying not to dispute them here.

Genuinely I would like to be able to here her viewpoint unfettered. That actually is the point of view of AMA, to get a perspective of someone living it.

If you have a personal perspective to share share that. Don't ask loaded questions whilst venturing nothing. It smacks of cowardice.

Take everything else elsewhere. It's
Not in the spirit of the thread.

Sorry OP I threw my toy's out of the pram. I'm amazed you haven't.

I don't have a question Dory, but I just wanted to add what an amazing mum & human being you are.

I've sadly seen how it can go when the support isn't there, I lost a good friend to suicide in her mid 20s because she never got over the rejection of her family when she transitioned, nor the years of being forced back into her birth identity when at home with family. I remember her when only 16 sneaking out & getting dressed at friends houses into her female self & the weirdness of having to address this very feminine I know as female by her Male name in front of her family. It destroyed her life.

I see similar now with DDs good friend who without doubt to my mind was born into the wrong sex, he's very masculine & hasn't wavered on transitioning since about 11 years old, but his family don't support him at all & so many years later it is just so sad to see this still goes on. He's just got back from a 3 week family holiday where he was forced by his family to dress as a girl, wear make up & present as female in bikinis etc in front of wider family. He came back suicidal & it's so sad that I doubt his family even know that. Thankfully he has a fantastic network of very supportive friends of both genders, DD included, but DD was heartbroken for him after his holiday

You are an amazing parent

Children with other forms of body dysmorphia such as anorexia are high risk for suicide. They are not treated in this way. And that’s because TRAs have successfully got gender dysphoria to not be classified as a mental health condition (what is it then? It requires medical treatment, if it’s not a mental health condition it must be a physical condition. But the body is perfectly healthy so it’s not that.) And so I can understand that the OP’s child doesn’t have a whole lot of options open, and if they are on the Internet reading all these validating stories and if they are in touch with Mermaids then ditto (agree that Mermaids repeatedly break the Samaritans guidleines on reporting suicide), transitioning seems the best route.

It says a lot about our society that if someone truly believes they are obese when they are skeletal we treat that as a mental health issue, but if someone truly believes they are a boy in a girl’s body we don’t. Why?

Yokatsu see my post above. Of course it’s a mental health condition, the mind is insisting that the body is wrong. Bodies can’t be wrong, they can be unhealthy, they can not work properly, but they aren’t wrong.

believes they are obese when they are skeletal we treat that as a mental health issue,

FWIW I personally don't believe there isn't a physical mechanism behind anorexia either (years ago I read an interesting article about comparison between anorexia and phantom limb syndrome). I do believe you do what works and the best way to work out what works is listening to the people (on both sides) in the thick of it

Nice dodge.

RockinHippy both those incredibly tragic cases you talk about are not only the families not supporting transitioning, they are not understanding or supportive of any kind of gender nonconformity, including eg butch lesbians, "sensitive" boys, etc etc. What many of us are saying on this thread is that it's entirely possible to be entirely supportive of your child's gender nonconformity, and let them live their lives however they want, without believing that an internal gender identity is anything other than a sexist and homophobic social construct, and that a lifetime of irreversible medical intervention is not the only option. (It is an option, and one that does work for some people, but it's one of many, and the rate of detransitioners should make anyone hesistate.)

I'm feeling pretty raw just now as my fifteen year old ASD daughter yesterday became the owner of a chest binder. She refuses to talk about it, she refuses to talk about anything to me or the CAMHS worker who is involved because of anxiety and school phobia. I'm scared for her,I'm scared she is jumping on a path she might not be able to get off,I don't know how to get her to speak to me (about anything if I'm honest) and I'm worried that because of the ASD she might feel that she isn't a typical female so presumes she should be male rather than exploring that she isn't a neurotypical female. I suppose I'm just so lost and unsure where to turn. As a mum Dory do you have any advice?

I get that Archie, trust me I do, but that definitely wasn't the case with the 2 examples I gave

This is bloody offensive. I think of all the past physical diagnosis that were thought to be mental disorders. How do you know for absolutely certainty we just dont understand the mechanism behind it yet. Chances are mental disorders are chemical imbalances or failures or just differences.

FWIW I personally don't believe there isn't a physical mechanism behind anorexia either

Erm. You seem to be mistaking 'mental disorder' for 'no physiological basis'.

Do you think the fact that we can get rid of schizophrenics' hallucinations and delusions by tweaking their dopamine levels means we're going to stop classifying schizophrenia as a mental illness? The fact that depression can in many cases be more or less fixed by messing with serotonin and noradrenaline levels means depression isn't a 'mental illness'?

Thank you OP for your perspective. I'm really sorry not to have heard more of it. [flowers]@DoryNow

Is noone able to even hear a non gender critical viewpoint without been hounded into silence?

On MN? Chance would be a fine fucking thing.

"Respectfully, you are in this issue as a parent, not as one who has ever struggled with this issue yourself."

Please don't presume to know anything about my life or what I brought to the discussion, I have deliberately left out a lot of personal details (& have said so several times up thread)

There are a ot of good points that could have been made by you all without criticising my every other word or phrasing & twisting the meaning of some statements.

I may not be as intellectual as most of you but I can usually hold my own in an argrument, but when bombarded by such negativity over an issue as personal as this I can't express myself terribly well, but my thoughts are no less valid.

I DO have a problem with the way you all pile in to a thread (not just this one) shouting the odds and putting down anyone who disagrees with your views and may have taken a different path to that you would have chosen.

I also find it terribly patronising and upsetting that the impression is that my child watched a few you tube bits, was a bit unhappy & then got marched off to discuss sterilisation & irreversable hormones.

Do you realise how deeply offensive your critical postings can be to a mother who has been as self critical of her choices as anyone in the whole scenario? The hours spent trawling the internet, speaking to experienced clinicians,(wo were very opoen with the risks & possible complications) talking to other families. I don't need you to beat me up as I have already done so believe me.

Why is it not possible for you to share links & alternative views gently & quietly so that there is genuine alternative views if that's what you wish, instead of barnstorming into a personal thread proclaiming I am wrong and have an agenda to push, just becasue i have gone down a path you don't agree with.

All I'm asking for is a little sensitivity, you don't need to agree with me, you don't need to understand, just leave me alone to answer questions where I can about our experiences.

Yokatsu & Hippy thanks .

Fleshmarket I feel for you, it must be awful . I have no experience with ASD so can only offer the advice I would any mum in this situation. Kep telling her you love her & are there to talk to her if & when she wants.Would she feel happier writing concerns down ? My son sometimes felt so anxious he couldn't vocalise his feeling so used to type me notes on his laptop & leave them for me to read, or text me. If she won't speak to her support worker either then it will be difficult I'm so sorry.
WRT her chest binder, as long as its a surgical quality one and not a bandage then if properly applied (no wrinkles & not cutting in under the arms) and worn for periods of time & not all the time or when exercising it should be safe.

Pm me if you want to chat. x

"Is noone able to even hear a non gender critical viewpoint without been hounded into silence?

On MN? Chance would be a fine fucking thing."

Quite.

fleshmarketclose
I understand some parents of trans children this site useful

This site is in the 'wait and watch' school of thought. As 80% of children will outgrow discomfort with their bodies phrase, if they are supported and don't take puberty blockers or cross sex hormones. (100% of children who are puberty blocked, go on to cross sex hormones)

If your child falls into the 20% of children who persised into adulthood with these feelings, then go with whatever the OP suggests, that worked for her son.

HTH

Actually sotired thath group are very anti trans, & have suggested so very damamging advice.

For example the 80/20 stat you quoted has now been debunked as it was based on figures including gender questioining children also children who left the study were countes as having "detranistioned" where they were never started on that path.

A watch & wait approach is however what most trans parents do follow at first. Support your child allow them to dress as they wish & change name if it helps the dysphoria, talking therapies if helpful, no medical intervention is recommend until much later by which time if the child were going through a phase they will have found their way,and if not slowly, very slowly they can start transition .

There is a new study coming out from Australia suggesting the rate of detransition is much much lower closer to 4%, I have been looking for the link.