I’m in an open marriage AMA

[TigersEyes]

Or not! But if you have any questions, I’m happy to answer.

Have you ever met someone who was interested then when they found out you were married directory down?

@villageshop, swinging can definitely be a form of polyamory but it’s not how we approach things. Swinging is very much sex-based, partner swapping etc. I’ve tried it but it’s not my thing.

I hope i’ve answers your other questions elsewhere on the thread. Forgive me if not, there’s been more than I was expecting!

@Belindabauer, absolutely. Dating a married woman isn’t for everyone.

@Belindabauer, sorry, just saw the other questions.

It’s difficult to say exactly what I mean by dating. I guess I use it to distinguish from my totally platonic friendships. So, the two people I’m dating, I do ‘stuff’ with, such as have dinner and go to the theatre. But sometimes we also have sex. And we’ll kiss on the dates, and hold hands etc.

In the past, my husband and I have tried threesomes, foursomes etc but it doesn’t really work for us as a dynamic. That may change in the future if we meet the right people.

It’s interesting to read the view that a relationship can ‘go nowhere’ if it’s not going to lead to marriage and children. I respectfully disagree that that always has to be the end goal. I think there’s a lot to be said for enjoying the moment.

I’m still struggling with the emotional side of it. I’d understand if you and your husband had a platonic relationship. I think maybe I have too big a jealous streak. For me it wouldn’t be about physically sharing my DH, it would be about his relationships with other women. I’d want to have very few feelings for him.

How much do you talk about your relationships? After every date? I presume if so both people can see the relationship developing and unfolding in front of them? But does this dominate every conversation? How often do you go to events? Weekly? Monthly?

@Iwantaunicorn, your username made me smile. Unicorn has a very specific meaning in the poly world!

But to answer your question, yes, we can both get jealous at times. We own it and deal with it. It’s not always easy and I won’t pretend it is. But nor was monogamy. For us, anyway.

@Watchingtheworldgoby, the trouble is, without wanting to sound glib, is that I am me and you are you. So my emotions and feelings are going to be very different to yours. And that’s ok, I’m not criticising. And it doesn’t sound like you are either. This life definitely isn’t for everyone and I won’t pretend I’m some sort of emotional superwoman with all the answers. I’m definitely not.

Yes, we talk before and after every date/encounter. And rarely go to sex-positive type events, though we did more to begin with because it was a good way to meet people.

OP, can I ask in which way you deal with the jealous?

My apologies if i’ve missed anyone. Not deliberate, I promise.

One thing that has arisen is that my DH, can’t be in love with me and with someone else. But the whole point of polyamory is that you can be. We’re very much in love. I have no reason to lie about that. But i’m open to falling in love with someone else (as well as my DH) in the future. It could happen or it might not.

I absolutely didn’t intend to sound critical. I find it interesting. I’ve always got too emotionally involved (to my detriment) in the dating world and imagined relationships where there were none. The ability of others who don’t do this is something I admire.

@Justinonmybroomstick, by talking about it, trying to understand exactly what’s caused it. Because I don’t have a general jealousy about my DH being with someone else, so if jealousy arises, there’s a reason. I hope that makes sense!

In the past what have the reasons for jealousy been?

Have you got rules about age brackets and looks of other partners?

@Watchingtheworldgoby, don’t get me wrong, I imagine things too at times. Just last week, I asked someone if we were flirting or if I was imagining it. He replied, “You might be but I’m not.”

Do you discuss any arguments or relationship issues that arise between you and DH with your other partners?

If one of you was unhappy with the other's attachment to someone else, would the other spouse end that relationship? I asked earlier: what if one of you wanted to close the marriage again?

@CookPassBabtridge, as in rules I’d impose on DH? So he can only date people I deem less attractive, for instance? No, definitely not. We like who we like.

(Apologies if I misunderstood the question.)

@SchnitzelVonKrumm, that’s a tough one. In the past, I dated someone who my DH just didn’t like, but he didn’t ask me to stop or end the relationship. I guess it would have been more difficult if it had been very serious on my part. My honest answer is that I just don’t know how that would pan out.

Which is also my answer about closing the marriage. We’re trying to focus very much on the present and how this feels for us right now.

I’m so sorry if this sounds cagey at all! It’s really not my intention. I just don’t have a better answer.

It’s interesting to read the view that a relationship can ‘go nowhere’ if it’s not going to lead to marriage and children

But it's normal if you're in love to want to be permanently with that person at some point, to share a bed, for them to be your significant other.

This is not feasible in your dynamic. There can never be anything more than "dating"?

Are the people you "date" also married?

@EinsteinsArousedSausagesHCB, yes we do. And it can sometimes be tricky not to tell the other what we think they should do! We’ve both had to work very hard on just listening and being there for each other.

@Bluntness100, I can only say that your normal is different to mine. You and I are different people so that’s perfectly ok. I’m not judging you and I respect your way of life, it’s just not for me now.

Sometimes we date married people and sometimes we don’t.

As said, I actually don't have an issue with it, but I struggle with understanding it when you say you and your husband are madly in love.

Yes for me the ‘madly in love’ is difficult to comprehend too because I have always thought this means exclusiveness by mutual choice.

And I can only say that, in my experience, madly in love means something else to us. We don’t need exclusivity. I promise i’m not trying to say that our way is the only way, it just works for us.