Trigger warning - I've had 4 terminations for non-medical reasons AMA

[Schnorkmaiden]

I'd like to explain the reason why I did and hope that people won't be too cruel but either way - I do know the reasons I did were right for me at the time.

Are they? You can say what you want obviously, but do you actually think that you are entitled to an opinion on whether another woman has a child or not?
Why? How are qualified to have an opinion on that? Am I entitled to have an opinion on what you do with your body?

Maybe you could draw up a list of which abortions are acceptable and which ones you think people can judge for?

I completely agree with the sentiment of this. My personal opinion on terminations is “as early as possible, as late as necessary”.

Judging after the fact is unhelpful, and actually OP I think you’ve been very brave to start this thread.

I’m so sorry for what you went through, and that what happened with Darryl especially has caused you so much distress.

Yet, somehow people are not allowed an opinion on whether someone chooses an abortion for pure convenience’s sake?

1&2 weren’t for convenience, surely you can see that?

3 was because OP didn’t realise you could access the MAP for free (failure in information sharing surely?)

4 was because she felt unable to have a child at that time.

Where is the convenience in any of that?

Or are we still living in a society where women are castigated for daring to enjoy sex and must suck it up and have a child they can’t cope with because of that?

If you're ok with abortions for some reasons, and not ok for other reasons, its not abortion you have a problem with. It's the WOMEN having them.
Admit it, at least.

Yes Curly, I understood that and it's fine, so long as she keeps it to herself.
(Irl obviously, this thread invites comments)

Don’t be silly, there are no qualifications in “having an opinion”.

Personally, if someone told me that they had an abortion because they had booked a holiday and it wasn’t convenient for another year or so, and that was the ONLY reason (ie not medical, abusive partner, financial reasons, unstable lifestyle, older mum, already had disabled kids etc etc) then yes, I admit, I would think less of them. Their values wouldn’t match mine and we all tend to choose our mates because they have similar values to our own.

However, I am not a nasty person so would say nothing. It would probably mean a distancing in our friendship though, because of the realisation that our values and outlook on life was completely different.

if you distance yourself from friends because they don't use their uterus' in the manner you think they should, you are not a good friend.

You can. of course, have all the opinions you want. And I can, of course, tell you that your opinion is worthless and unwanted.

CurlyhairedAssassin if you wouldn’t voice it in RL why do it online?

Have an opinion all you like, but to be cruel to someone who is being open about something traumatic to them tells me that your values are very different to mine. You imply that your values and outlook on life make you somehow superior and I’m sorry but that just isn’t true.

YeTalk: you misunderstood me, I wasn’t referring to the OP’s situation at all when I was talking about “inconvenience”. Apologies if anyone else thought that. I was talking about any random person.

I didn’t realise you didn’t mean OP Curly. That said, there could be other women reading who’ve had terminations for what you deem convenience who would be distressed by it.

Safe, accessible, free and non judgemental terminations have got to be available in a civilised society. If you start judging one you have to judge each on its own merits, and then where do you stop?

Surely if we live in a county where women can (thank goodness) access safe, free abortions then we must allow them to access as many as they need?

YeTalkShiteHen I wrote my comment before I saw yours, I think we mean the same thing

IamReginaFalange I think we do too! I was ever so relieved when Repeal the 8th gave the result so many women needed, despite not being Irish.

Some of the comments from the “pro life” which only seemed to apply to rights in utero not actually giving a shit about the child after they were forcing them to be born campaigners were truly despicable.

Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but all of the reasons you have mentioned would affect your mental health...which is a medical reason and is the basis of our abortion law.
I'm so sorry for your experiences and wish you well in your future.

It is their own choice. The reason behind it is up to them. Yes, women should not be asked by any medical staff the reason for having the abortion. It should just be done, with the same care and attention as the next woman, who might be in for a completely different reason. BecUse we are a civilised and democratic society.

But I am being honest when I say that it would change my feelings towards someone if they told me they had a termination for convenience sake. (And only that reason)

Just as I distance myself from anyone whose values seem to drift from my own. I don’t see a friend anymore because she started to become quite mean with money (not just watching her money, but actually being unpleasant eg trying to get money off a meal that ther was nothing wrong with, or if we put a tip in at the end of the meal, she would take some money back so she was paying less than us, but meant there was now no tip.). She was starting to be just ungenerous in spirit too. And would do things like but an outfit for an interview and return it afterwards to get her money back after having worn it.

I have distanced myself from a family member who never asked about anyone else’s life but just went on about her own, her goals, her running, she was a preachy sort, wanted everyone else to run round after her including getting the kids minded by family all the bloody time so she could hve some “me time” and just generally hard work and “high needs.”

Both those people are exactly free to live their life however they want, of course they are, but I am less likely to choose to spend time with someone because of a difference in our values and outlook on life.

Everyone makes choices. People tend to gravitate towards people who make similar life choices and have the same lifestyle and values to them.

And for what it’s worth, Op, it sounds like you made the right decision for you each of those 4 times.

if you say its ok for a woman to have an abortion if she is raped, or incest or similar, but not ok just because she wants one, you are basically punishing a woman for having sex.

you are either pro choice - or you are pro BABY!! and make sure if you are pro BABY then you are also there to help out when the woman you stopped from having an abortion needs support after pushing the baby out - cos most of the pro life (or rather pro pregnancy) arseholes are nowhere to be seen once the baby is out!

I have no problem with your decisions, OP. Women can be fertile for up to nearly 40 years, there is quite a good chance of at least one contraceptive failure in that time, not to mention the many other reasons women seek abortion.

As early as possible, as late as necessary, free and on demand.

This is personal but i wonder if the trauma of your first, late termination led to some form of ptsd; trauma victims can unconscioudly seek to repeat their trauma in an effort to resolve it psychologically. In the same way some CSA victims are promiscuous and women who were beaten find violent partners again and again.
I applaud your honesty. Ive had 2. Tegret the first terribly, similarly my exh pressured me. The other was a casual partner. No regrets at all.

No, it’s not “basically punishing a woman for having sex” though. What’s wrong with women having whatever sex they like? Plenty of women have loads of sexual partners, one night stands etc. Totally up to them and if you’re both consenting adults, then good luck to them, and have fun. Other judgey pants may call them some horrible names, but I wouldn’t.

What I personally just can’t comprehend, however much I try, is the willingness to take a risk where there is a chance of conception. Fair enough, I know some people get drunk/carried away and just be in the moment. But the second risk then woukd be not following up with morning after pill, in the hope that it would probably be ok. Same applies if the condom split.

I’ve already said that maybe it’s people’s different attitude to risk. I’m a (probably over-) cautious type so maybe this is why I just don’t get it. i woukd do everything in my power to not get pregnant, because a termination is not to be taken lightly and in my view shouldn’t be viewed as a method of contraception.

There are other women who may feel differently, of course, and that’s totally their prerogative. But with rights come responsibilties and in my view the right to have an abortion also needs to come with the responsibility to try to protect oneself from the need to seek an abortion by using all means possible to avoid it as far as possible in the first place.

So yes, I do judge people who don’t take responsibility for themselves in that way when we are so lucky in this country to have the contraception choices that we have and the medical services that we have. Plus the education. Sex Ed these days is very comprehensive. People KNOW that if you have unprotected sex at any time in your cycle there is still a risk you might get pregnant.

If you take the responsibility to do what you can to protect yourself and still get pregnant then what can you do about that? You’ve done what you can, it didn’t work for you for some reason. I am glad then to be in a country where the option not to go ahead with an unwanted pregnancy is there.

Anyway..... ultimately, for me, it’s maybe an attitudinal difference in risk-taking, as I said. It isn’t in me to take risks with anything and that probably makes me boring and sensible in some situations.

But you said you would judge them for their reasons for having abortions not based on whether they were careful enough for you. So which is it?
We all take risks. You do, if you are having sex there is a risk of conception. Could be you next time, hope your friends are less judgemental than you are.

I don't think abortion at an early stage, when there is no functioning nervous system or awareness, is a question of "values". If someone did this every month for any reason or none, what difference does it make to anyone except the woman?

This is why I dislike the AMA section.

‘I’ve had four terminations. Come and question me as to why and judge me’ the thread title night as well say.

Me neither quan
I have friends who are gutted to lose a 'baby' at 5 weeks (obviously their pregnancy failing is awful) whereas that isnt a baby to me.
It is about perception

What I personally just can’t comprehend, however much I try, is the willingness to take a risk where there is a chance of conception

Even the best contraception can fail.