I used to be a Jehovah’s Witness - Ask me anything

[ExJW]

More or less grew up amongst JWs, was baptised and very active in the religion for over 10 years including going door to door etc.!
Left by choice about 9 years ago and am treated as excommunicated / disfellowshipped.
Happy to answer any questions though they keep changing some of their doctrine so on that front I may not be 100% up to date.

Why did you leave?

Are your family JW? Have they gone along with disfellowshiping you? My DH grew up DH and is really struggling with the idea that the religion is more important than he is

Do you celebrate Christmas now?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet why did you leave?

Not a quick answer to that question, but basically I suffered a severe depressive episode while an active JW lasting many months (mental health issues always seemed very common among JW). During this time I isolated myself and also spent time in a psychiatric ward. When I got out of the depression I just felt that I no longer believed. I then started reading “forbidden” books and information online, which lead to me realising I had been indoctrinated all my life and deciding this wasn’t “the truth” and I no longer wished to be one of them.

Have you managed to find a new community to belong to? I'd imagine it's hard to be excluded from the group you grew up in, and I think I'd need to find a new place to "fit in". Do your family completely ignore you, or are they more understanding?
Do you blame your parents for indoctrinating you, or do you think that they genuinely did what they thought was the right thing for you?
But most importantly, are you happy now? You've obviously had some hard time and really struggled, so I'm hoping that things are better for you now.

Is it part of JW that you can’t communicate with non JW. I had a JW neighbour and she hid from me, wouldn’t speak and turned away if she saw me. It was rather awkward as we lived next to each other.

I don’t know if it was JW or a personal thing she had against me.

Also a second question if I can.

Someone told me all window cleaners are JW. So far this has been correct wherever I’ve lived. Why?

Are your family JW?

Most of my siblings and extended family are (e.g. grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins etc), but one of my siblings isn’t, one of my parents is disfellowshipped and the other is technically a JW but an unusually liberal one who doesn’t abide all the rules.

Have they gone along with disfellowshiping you?

When I left I ceased all contact with the organisation (the elders that is), so I didn’t go through the “formal” process of being disfellowshipped as that would usually involve meeting with elders. But yes, my JW family (all except my JW parent) treat me as disfellowshipped and shun me, they are aware I’m in a relationship and have children with a man I’m not married to so no doubt I’ve been DF’d behind closed doors for fornication.

My DH grew up DH and is really struggling with the idea that the religion is more important than he is.

The religion is everything to them and they think they’re doing the right thing. They firmly believe shunning wrongdoers will help them realise they’ve sinned and make them return “to the flock”. I’m sorry your DH is going through this. No one should ever have to chose between their religion and their family!

Do you celebrate Christmas now?

Yes! I’ve been with a non-JW partner for years now and we celebrate everything - Christmas, birthdays, Halloween, the lot. Christmas is my favourite!

It is lovely!

Have you managed to find a new community to belong to?

Not really, but then I haven’t really tried to find a new community as such, except for the first couple of years after leaving when I was quite active in an online community for former JWs - which was very helpful at the time! I’m not at all religious now, so apart from my DP, his family and a select few friends I’ve made over the years I haven’t got much of a social network/community now. Which is very different from when I was a JW and had a huge circle of friends or „brothers and sisters“ - I do miss that sometimes!

Do your Family completely ignore you or are they more understanding?
As said above, most of them shun me including my JW siblings - so they ignore me and my siblings will only contact me if it’s „important family matters“ (e.g. a wedding, birth of a child, serious illness or death, that sort of thing). Other extended family have had zero contact for 8+ years. Only exception is my JW parent who doesn’t live by the books - they have been quite understanding and we have normal contact, but this really isn’t the norm!

Do you blame your parents for indoctrinating you?
In my particular case I’d have to blame my grandmother more than anyone - but no, I can’t say I do, because she too has been indoctrinated and only wanted the best for me. If anything I have, in the past, blamed my parent who has been disfellowshipped for many years (before I joined the religion) for not stopping me from becoming one of them, but they had their own demons to fight...

Are you happy now?
Overall yes! Or to put it that way - my past as a JW no longer defines my everyday happiness if that makes sense? So if I am unhappy it’s more likely to be due to something my DP or DCs have said or done.
But there’s no doubt the past will always have some impact on me and my life.

Is it part of JW that you can’t communicate with non JW
Not really - JW are supposed to be friendly and good neighbours because they are hoping to „win“ people over to join their religion, so this must’ve been her personal issues. They are however not supposed to become friends (or worse, have a relationship) with „worldly“ people, so anyone who isn’t interested in their religion or hostile towards it will not be getting the time of day. They are told not to be a part of the world.

Do you regret the wasted time? Did you need therapy (apart from the depression) or did you put it behind you on your own?

Thank you for answering. It’s something I struggled with. I wasn’t sure if was her. She has gone now, but left behind a lot of bad feeling. Unfortunately pp said oh it’s because she was a JW. But I wasn’t sure. It seemed odd to blame a religion on behaviour.

She was properly bonkers!

Someone told me all window cleaners are JW. So far this has been correct wherever I’ve lived. Why?
This made me chuckle because I’ve known sooo many JWs who worked as window cleaners/general cleaners!! I’m sure not all of them are, but generally speaking most JWs do not pursue a higher education (this is discouraged/frowned upon), they are also discouraged from pursuing careers or jobs that will distract them from the “doing God’s work” (eg going door to door) or clash with their evening meeting times... so for many JWs, manual labour or part-time work is the preferred or only option. There certainly are exceptions to this.
I also used to work as a cleaner for a while during my time as a JW but all the window cleaner JWs I knew were men.

Along the lines of Christmas. Do you 'do' santa for your kids? What's your opinion on that?

Hi OP

I also was raised a JW and walked away after about 10 years baptised. Best thing I ever did.

I don't really have a question but I do feel that my upbringing has helped in that I'm programmed to perform in front of people - presenting, going to people's doors etc has never been a challenge and that's helped me with work. It's a bit of an odd thing - possibly like being on stage as a child? I dunno if you feel the same?

Sorry to but in but I think the window cleaning was also as it's an easy business to run your own company in - so no need for qualifications and also no need to work along side "worldly" people who might form relationships with you. It's basically another way of keeping you isolated so you don't question things.

Do you regret the wasted time?
Sometimes; not so much just the wasted time, but wasted opportunities. I did really well at school and during my education, finishing top of my class. I could’ve gone on to higher education and I was at one point offered what might be considered a dream job in my chosen field. I chose the religion over these things and I’m sure my current career situation could be very different if I hadn’t! But I’m doing OK now and perhaps in future (when kids are older) I may yet have a chance to pursue the career I missed out on.

Did you need therapy (apart from the depression) or did you put it behind you on your own?

Coming out of a high control religious group / cult is such a “niche” problem, I really didn’t feel that a normal counsellor or therapist would be of much help to be honest. So the only “therapy” I’ve had was reading books by other ex-JWs and talking to them online. This was a great help during the first couple of years which were the hardest. I do feel that I have put these things behind me now.

Do you 'do' santa for your kids? What's your opinion on that?
Since I have no personal “history” with Santa (Father Christmas as he is called in our house) I’ve basically let my DP make that call. For him it was a big part of Christmas growing up so yes, we do Father Christmas because it’s important to him and I do not mind either way.

You were very brave to seek your own path.

Do you still consider yourself a Christian?

My window cleaner is a very chatty man. Tells me all about himself and his family. He knows everyone in the village. I was really surprised when I heard he was a JW. He was also v friendly with my bonkers neighbour and she made him cups of tea. Which was unheard of. He’s never mentioned being a JW. Although I know he is.

RJnomore1
Well done on breaking free! Yes, I suppose the talking to strangers and presenting in front of others part (I used to do lots of on stage demonstrations/interviews etc. as I was an exemplary pioneer) has been helpful, I used to be very introverted and shy as a child and the religion did help me on that front.
However one of the main downsides for me has been on the social front - when you’re a JW you learn how to make friends with other JWs but this is very different from social interactions in the real world.
I guess it’s good to look at the positives though, few as they may be!

What do you think about blood transfusions? I had an elderly JW come to my door and this is one of the things she said people should not do. I disagreed with her though i would give my son one in a heartbeat if needed

You were very brave to seek your own path.
Thanks, it didn’t feel like bravery though, more like I had no choice - when I stopped believing, there was just no way I could keep living that life.

Do you still consider yourself a Christian?
No, I consider myself more an agnostic/tending towards atheism.

Were you vaccinated as a child?