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AMA

*Trigger Warning* - Our son was stillborn - Ask me anything.

193 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 14:29

Our dear son was stillborn at 38+2 weeks, in May of last year. No real cause was found for his passing.

I know this is not the most cheerful of subjects, however I am also aware that some people find it a difficult subject to approach in the real world. So, please, ask me anything.

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:08

Morning all, I have returned Smile

What made you choose the name Edward.

Hello Aww

DP and I hadn’t actually settled on a name for a long time, we ha a shortlist but nothing final. It was only when we found out he had passed that we made a decision. I was in the bath (the night I would go into labour), DP sat on the loo, both in total shock.

I said to DP that I felt like we should pick a name for our DS and we just settled on Edward. We had it on our shortlist and it was perfect for him.

I really love his name and I’m pleased we chose that one.

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:10

I’m so sorry for your loss OhTheRoses my most sincere condolences to you Flowers xxx

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:21

Hi DeadButDelicious

Firstly I would like to say how sorry I am for the loss of your baby girl Flowers

I think the important thing is to say whatever you feel comfortable with. I sometimes won’t mention Edward to certain people as I feel that his loss is so personal and heartbreaking that I don’t wish to share it with Joe Bloggs who I have only just met. Then at other times I want people to know about him and how he has changed my life. As I’m sure you can tell from my previous posts in this thread I am so very proud of him and he will always be my first born.

I think it is important to remember that your baby daughter was real, she had an impact upon your life and of course you loved her just as much as your other children. Just because she didn’t make 24 weeks doesn’t mean she wasn’t a baby just as much as Edward was. A loss at any stage is devastating and I don’t believe that any loss of life should be minimised no matter the gestation. If you want to speak about her, you absolutely should. I personallly don’t like the term “miscarriage” as I feel some people think that it is somehow less devastating and something you can just get over, when that simply is not the case.
Again, I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby girl, I really am Flowers

To answer the rainbow baby question:

I don’t mind the term, however I tend not to use it. I had heard of it prior to losing Edward, DP had no clue what it meant until I told him a couple of months ago! I do like rainbows, the concept is lovely, however I very much doubt that I will call DD our rainbow as to me she is Edward’s little sister, which I feel is a bit more personal and true to who she is and will be Smile

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:22

Thank you Languish and littlecabbage xxx

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:28

OhTheRoses - I do feel quite lucky in that the subject of stillbirth and neonatal loss is now becoming more talked about. I am certainly grateful for the worldwide web and having information so readily accessible to grieving parents.

After the loss of Edward I was so unsure what to do or where to turn and having things such as mumsnet and the SANDs forums certainly helped me to channel my grief and understand that what I was feeling was normal.

I have read so many stories from other mothers who lost their babies and went through stillbirths and their babies were whisked away from them. I cannnot even begin to imagine how that would feel and the heartbreak that would cause.

I know in a way I am lucky. I got to spend two precious days with my son. Although we had wished for the rest of our lives it was certainly better than nothing at all and I feel like that time we had together has helped me to heal somewhat.

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 09:31

Oh forgot to add this photo last night.

This is the first one I took after Edward was born, his hand on my thumb and DPs hand on me - I really love the intimacy of the photo.
In that moment we became a real family and I remember feeling so at peace looking at our little boy.

*Trigger Warning* - Our son was stillborn - Ask me anything.
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PersisFord · 13/07/2018 09:43

What a precious photo. Gorgeous little boy. Just so completely perfect. Thanks for sharing xxx

Cheeseandapple · 13/07/2018 11:08

Saying that we do have little things around the house of Edward’s and things with his name on, so when she’s bigger obviously she would probably ask who Edward is and why we have his belongings in the house. I never want to hide him from her.
@DippyDiplodocus My mums first baby was still born in 1984 - 4 years before I was born. I don't remember a time when I didn't know about her. I think, like you've said, she was in photographs around the house and so I grew up thinking about her and felt her presence (in a wonderful way, like she always had my back) throughout my childhood.

DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 12:24

That’s really lovely Cheese

Do you remember a specific conversation with your parents about your sister or did you just always know about her?

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mittensofsteel · 13/07/2018 12:51

@DippyDiplodocus - I have read the entire thread with tears pouring down my face. Your honest account of losing your son is breathtaking, just so beautiful and so sad. Thank you for sharing the photos, Edward looks as lovely as you said. Those little fingers!

I am so moved. Something about how you have dealt with all this tragedy but come across full of compassion and kindness... you’re so blimmin’ nice!

I was going to ask what you did as a funeral but understand if it’s too much to answer.

DaisyChops · 13/07/2018 13:48

Oh Dippy, you've got me crying on my ironing with the latest photo, it's beautiful.

Hopefully this thread is bringing you some comfort talking about Edward and sharing him with us all xxx

DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 13:59

I was going to ask what you did as a funeral but understand if it’s too much to answer.

Hi Mittens

Thank you for your kind words Smile

For his funeral we were given some options by the hospital chaplain.
We could basically have a service and burial or service and cremation, which were organised and paid for by the NHS bereavement team. We were encouraged to pick some songs or pieces of music we would like, also any readings or prayers that we would like to be included in the service. Of course we were free to organise our own private funeral service if we wished to.

DP and I decided to have Edward cremated.
We held a small service at the crematorium with our family members. His body was then left there for cremation and we collected his ashes the following day.
The service was one of the most difficult days for me. It actually fell on my original due date. Burying your child when he was due to be born seemed very strange.

He had a tiny white coffin which DP carried in from the car. Thinking back to that makes me cry. It was such a heartbreakingly difficult thing to see.

I found the process of choosing music almost impossible. I managed to pick one song - Buddy Holly's 'Raining in my heart'. The lyrics were so powerful and true. The chaplain picked another piece of instrumental music for us, which was from the film Edward Scissorhands. Apparently the piece is about a boy who never grew up. Both were beautiful and completely appropriate.

My sister wrote a poem and she read this out - no idea how she managed to do this.

The chaplain also did some readings etc.
DP and I are not particularly religious but we didn't mind this element being included. Edward was mostly referred to as becoming an angel and going to heaven, which is strangely comforting even when you don't really believe or follow a religion.

The whole service probably lasted about half an hour. Some of it is a blur to be honest. I think my brain switched off. I remembered the important parts but some of the readings I don't recall clearly.

DP and I collected his ashes the following day. The only way I can describe how that felt is utter devastation. I remember holding the tiny heart shaped box in my hands and just sobbing my heart out. It was the worst feeling in the world.

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DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 14:11

Thanks Daisy

It is nice to speak about him. I've shed a fair few tears writing these replies too!

It's amazing how you come to cope and live with constant pain. Then when you really turn your attention to it l, it can still be so raw and so powerful. I tend to try to remind myself that I am in pain but without the pain I would never have known our boy. I know what I'd chose everyday of the week ❤️

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MCC85 · 13/07/2018 15:47

Dippy, thank you so much for sharing your gorgeous boy with us 💙
Also, thank you for sharing your most personal thoughts, feelings and most heartbreaking experience with us.
Lots of love for the remainder of your pregnancy, I hope you have been and are able to continue enjoying this pregnancy (as difficult as that may be), and I wish you and your beautiful little family the very best for the future xxx

2018SoFarSoGreat · 13/07/2018 15:57

Dippy please do come back and introduce us to Edward's little sister when she's here.

Wishing you nothing but love ❤️

QuilliamCakespeare · 13/07/2018 16:06

I'm reading this thread with an ache in my stomach. I'm a mother of two boys and can only imagine the raw, all-consuming grief of losing them. It's something no parent should have to go through.

No questions from me but I have a friend who lost her baby girl at 25 weeks so this thread has provided a little insight into her situation and given me some reassurance that I did and said what I could to provide love and comfort.

So pleased to hear you are soon to meet your beautiful baby, OP. All the best for the future and I'm sure he or she will grow up surrounded by love and hearing all about their big brother.

nuttynutjob · 13/07/2018 16:20
Flowers

GONE TOO SOON.
------

This was a life that hardly begun
no time to find your place in the sun
no time to do all you could have done
but we loved you enough for a lifetime

No time to enjoy the world and its wealth
No time to take life down off the shelf
no time to sing the song of yourself
though you had enough love for a lifetime

Those who live long endure sadness and tears
but you'll never suffer the sorrowing years
no betrayel, no anger
no hatred, no fears
Just love, only love in your lifetime..

DippyDiplodocus · 13/07/2018 20:45

Thank you MCC85 for your well wishes and thank you for taking the time to read the thread x

2018 I would LOVE to! I think that would be really lovely. Thank you Smile x

Quilliam I am very sorry for your friends terrible loss, you sound like a lovely friend Flowers. Thank you for your well wishes x

Beautiful poem Nutty - thank you. I found myself reading quite. Lot of poetry after we lost Edward. Some of it was so moving but at the same time very hard to read. X

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mittensofsteel · 14/07/2018 16:49

@DippyDiplodocus - The funeral sounds like it was a gruelling experience, I’m glad there was some comfort for you too.

As a PP said, please come back when your DD is here. You’ll be in my constant thoughts. Thanks again for sharing your experience. Flowers Wishing you all the best. Xxxx

emmyrose2000 · 15/07/2018 15:01
Flowers
beautifulblue · 15/07/2018 23:18

Hi @DippyDiplodocus
I've read your thread & i'm so deeply sorry for you, your husband & your son Edward. I think any parent would choose anything else in the world over what you have gone through. It must have been/be a living nightmare. I'm so happy you have a little girl on the way, I hope she helps to make your little family feel a little brighter again, I'm sure she will! No question... just admiration. Good luck with your pregnancy, you so deserve a little bit of happiness Flowers

DippyDiplodocus · 16/07/2018 11:18

Thank you Beautifulblue for your kind words and well wishes. Hopefully this time in two weeks our little girl will be here. Keeping all crossable things crossed Smile x

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DippyDiplodocus · 16/07/2018 11:19

Thank you Mittens - Yes, it was extremely tough and very surreal. Thank you again for your well wishes xx

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DippyDiplodocus · 28/07/2018 20:34

Hello all,

Just popped back to update on the baby situation.

Our beautiful DD1 was born last night at 21:58, weighing 7lb 9 and a half oz. We have called her Grace Olivia.

She's doing brilliantly well and she's so super cute and soft and just lovely.

We are home, we are both doing well and Dad is adjusting quickly too. He's already changed his fair share of nappies and is on constant standby for cuddle duty.

We are over the moon. She's simply wonderful.

Thank you for all your well wishes Smile

Love,

Dippy & Family xx

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Bin85 · 28/07/2018 20:50

Congratulations and much love to you all