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*Trigger Warning* - Our son was stillborn - Ask me anything.

193 replies

DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 14:29

Our dear son was stillborn at 38+2 weeks, in May of last year. No real cause was found for his passing.

I know this is not the most cheerful of subjects, however I am also aware that some people find it a difficult subject to approach in the real world. So, please, ask me anything.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:21

Thank you Sandys

It can be incredibly difficult for people to know how to speak to someone who has lost a baby. It’s incredibly tough and to be honest I had no idea what I really wanted people to say - what exactly can you say?

I just wanted people to treat me as normal. I didn’t want to be tiptoed around. I was still the same person, just a bit more battered and bruised.

I sent out a mass group message to all my work colleagues before returning to work explaining how I felt, what had happened and that I was happy to openly talk to everyone about Edward if they wished to ask me questions. This was received well and seemed to make things less awkward when I returned to work.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:23

Thank you OhyesIam

I’m glad it has shed some light on what is seen as a “taboo” subject.
I’m sorry I made you cry! I advise eating cake, this often makes things feel better Smile x

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bluetrampolines · 12/07/2018 21:25

I dont have a question. Just to say thank you for trusting us with such important and private information. I am overwhelmed by your post and am in floods of tears.

Wishing you and your family much Sunflower Love

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:25

Thank you so much 2018 cake for you too Cake xx

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:25

Thank you toastedbagel xx

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distantstars · 12/07/2018 21:34

Thank you @DippyDiplodocus ThanksThanksThanks

ASucculentchinesemeal · 12/07/2018 21:35

I've never been through this myself but I've found myself in tears reading this. You're so strong. Thank you for sharing this with us, I'm sure there will be lots of people reading this who've been through, or are going through, similar and will find this supportive.

I can't imagine going through this and I have just reminded myself that I should never take my experience for granted as others have sadly not been so lucky.

Flowers
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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:38

It sounds like you had some very sensitive care from medical professionals. What aspects of your care were particularly helpful/ unhelpful/ notable for whatever reason?

If you were talking to midwives/doctors etc, what would you want to let them know about how best to care for women who are experiencing pregnancy and neonatal loss?

Hi Citizen

All the staff who dealt with myself, DP and Edward were fantastic. They were so compassionate and seemed to understand our every need. They really were a God send and made a shit situation a little bit less shit. They treated us with complete respect, gave us as much time as we needed to process every step and we never felt as though we were any less important because our baby wasn’t alive.
They treated Edward very respectfully and as if he was just the same as any other baby.

It’s a difficult one to answer because I don’t think you can teach compassion. You either have it or you don’t and that is what you need to deal with someone who has lost their baby.
During my subsequent pregnancy with DD I have encountered some truly cold, very straight to the point NHS staff members who made me feel like complete shit. All you really want is some reassurance that you will be looked after as well as possible and you will have a live baby at the end of it all. One consultant I saw wasn’t even aware I had had a previous stillbirth (even though it was written all over my notes) and barely acknowledged Edward had even existed when I told her.
I think the problem is people don’t know how to deal with such strong emotion, some people find it very daunting and so they come across as uncaring because they don’t know what to do with what they are faced with. Doesn’t make the patient feel any better though.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:42

I wanted to ask how you felt leaving the hospital after you’d lost Edward. Were you in a blur, emotionally, so didn’t even take notice of anyone else? Do the staff suggest a quieter time of day for you to leave, when you have less chance of seeing other new parents leaving with their babies? I can only imagine how upsetting it might feel to be leaving hospital alone, physically sore, and bump into other new parents taking their baby home, and wonder if the staff try and make that bit easier for you somehow?

Hello, Curly

Leaving hospital wasn’t so traumatic for me. I felt ready to leave and I knew that I would be seeing Edward again a few days after so I just kept telling myself that really. We were escorted through a separate corridor so we didn’t have to go through the labour ward etc. We were housed in a self contained flat in the hospital so we were never surrounded by screaming babies (or women for that matter!) It was actually very peaceful.
It felt nice to be outside after nearly three days but I did cry all the way home.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:43

Thank you dangerrabbit x

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:44

Thank you bluetrampolines - Sunflower love - that’s great! I shall use that in future Grin x

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LiDLrichardsPistachioSack · 12/07/2018 21:45

Hi Dippy, I’ve been reading your thread all day today through tears! This has really moved me.
You write so beautifully and vividly. I don’t have any questions, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your experience and telling us about your Edward; his loveliness and your love for him really shines through in your words. Flowers

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 21:51

Hi LiDL

Thank you for taking the time to read the thread and for your kind words Smile x

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BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 12/07/2018 21:55

Thank you for your thread OP, I am so sorry for your loss Flowers :(

Would you like to share any of your pictures of Edward here? Don't feel that you have to, mind, I just thought you might like to :)

Rainbowqueeen · 12/07/2018 22:06

Thank you for starting this thread and for your honesty and insight.

How much time did you have off work? And how did the return to work go for you? You've mentioned sending an email to colleagues, was that your idea or did your work place suggest it?

Any thing else you think might be relevant about the return to work, what your work place did well to manage it, not so well etc would be great to hear

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 22:24

How much time did you have off work? And how did the return to work go for you? You've mentioned sending an email to colleagues, was that your idea or did your work place suggest it?

Any thing else you think might be relevant about the return to work, what your work place did well to manage it, not so well etc would be great to hear

Hi RainbowQueen

I had around 3 months off work in total. The return was scary but much easier than I had anticipated.
The mass message was my idea as I knew that some people would be apprehensive about my return and unsure on how to address me and the obvious elephant in the room. I didn't want it to be like that so it made sense to me. I think I would do the same again if I had to. I did consider standing up in front of everyone on my return, think meeting type scenario but I don't think I would have been brave enough to. So the message did the job.

Work were very supportive, I was actually a locum for them at the time so considering they didn't actually have to take me back anyway they were fantastic. They all did exactly as I had asked, welcomed me back with open arms and treated me just as they had before I had left. I couldn't have asked for any more really.

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DaisyChops · 12/07/2018 22:25

Dippy, you are an inspiration, you have coped amazing with this and have come on here to share you story. I'm sat in my daughters room long after she is asleep in tears at your story.
Edward was blessed to have you as his mother.
Wishing you and your DH all the luck in the world Thanks

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 22:55

Yes Beyond - I will share a few of my favourites, if everyone is happy with that Smile

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 22:55

Thank you for your kind words Daisy ❤️

I hope he knew how very loved he was.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 23:01

I love these photos of his tiny hands with mine and DP's. I couldn't stop touching his little fingers and storming his hands. They were lovely.

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 23:02

*stroking not storming!

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DippyDiplodocus · 12/07/2018 23:03

I don't think much needs to be said about this one really. I just adore his little face ❤️

*Trigger Warning* - Our son was stillborn - Ask me anything.
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Cakeandmarshmallows · 12/07/2018 23:07

Sitting here in tears. Thank you for sharing so openly and honestly. He is a gorgeous boy. Xxx

PETRONELLAS · 12/07/2018 23:08

Thank you for sharing the details so honestly.
I’m a mum. Feeling pretty low and lonely at the moment and you’ve jarred me out of my episode to the point I want to wake my children up and say I’m sorry.
I loved feeling them in my tummy and was very aware of the risks of stillbirth. Thank you for batting away my current complacency.

BeyondRadicalisationPortal · 12/07/2018 23:12

Oh dippy, he's so beautiful and his fingers are so small - thank you for sharing ♥️