*Trigger Warning* - Our son was stillborn - Ask me anything.

[DippyDiplodocus]

Our dear son was stillborn at 38+2 weeks, in May of last year. No real cause was found for his passing.

I know this is not the most cheerful of subjects, however I am also aware that some people find it a difficult subject to approach in the real world. So, please, ask me anything.

This is so so sad. I have never cried about a post but I am now. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank You Smell

Hugs to you x

Thank you very much for your reply - and congratulations too on your pregnancy!

Thanks again Dippy, and good luck!

Hi Dippy, I just wanted to wish you all the very best with your pregnancy and delivery. I relate to your story so much.. we lost our son in a stillbirth last January, and I’m currently cuddling my six month old DD who is our little rainbow blessing. I know what you mean about thinking he’ll come back; I felt that way for ages. In a way I’m glad our rainbow is a girl since it helps me keep the two babies quite apart in my mind. Good luck and I wish you lots of newborn cuddles very soon!

Hi Bisquick

Thank you so much for your well wishes.
We are expecting a girl this time too! I wasn’t really prepared for a girl but in hindsight I’m glad that she’s not a boy. I don’t think I would have coped as well with a boy so close to losing Edward.

Congratulations on your rainbow baby x

Also, posted too quick, I’m very sorry for the loss of your baby boy the world is incredibly shit at times but at the same time it can be so totally wonderful. X

@DippyDiplodocus Edward sounds gorgeous I am so so sorry for your loss congratulations on your rainbow baby I hope everything goes well with your induction

Oh Dippy - I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage which devastated me but I can't imagine how you must have felt. Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy

Thank you both, Mommybear1 and Ohdear - keeping everything crossed x

So sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best with your current pregnancy

My question is: Will you refer to your dd as your second child and always be explaining about Edward or say she’s an only/the oldest (if you have more). I have a friend who has two sons and one who died (not a still birth but died young) and it was only after a few months of knowing her she told me about her two boys’ older brother and explained that they are actually child 2 and 3 not 1 and 2 (if that makes sense) I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer btw, I felt honoured she had felt I was close enough to her to share about her son who had died but I always wondered about this as I would be torn between keeping the memory and the invasion of privacy explaining to every person who asked ‘oh is she your first?’ or ‘does she have any siblings?’

Thank you for your reply I'm so glad you were able to spend some time with Edward. And congratulations on your pregnancy

I just wanted to say thank you for this post, it’s a privilege to hear about your beautiful Edward ❤️

My question is: Will you refer to your dd as your second child and always be explaining about Edward or say she’s an only/the oldest (if you have more). I have a friend who has two sons and one who died (not a still birth but died young) and it was only after a few months of knowing her she told me about her two boys’ older brother and explained that they are actually child 2 and 3 not 1 and 2 (if that makes sense) I don’t think there is a right or wrong answer btw, I felt honoured she had felt I was close enough to her to share about her son who had died but I always wondered about this as I would be torn between keeping the memory and the invasion of privacy explaining to every person who asked ‘oh is she your first?’ or ‘does she have any siblings?’

Hi Span

It’s a bit of a difficult one and I tend to alter my answer depending on how I feel at the time or who I’m speaking to. If I don’t feel comfortable with the potential awkwardness, I won’t mention Edward. If I feel in an ok frame of mind and not like I’m about to burst into tears, I will tell people that DD is our second baby and that sadly we lost our first child.

It very much depends on the person and how I feel at the time. If I’m unlikely to see the person again, e.g. a shop assistant, I probably wouldn’t mention that DS died. I might say that DD is not my first and not elaborate further.

You are very brave to do this thank you. Sending condolences.

I have a close family friend who recently had a still born, they had no idea. Is there anything I can say or do? Or anything I shouldn't say or do?
Thank you

Thank you both, SilverSun and ThatsNotEvenAWord

I just wanted to share a little bit of information on a subject that not many people really know about, or find awkward to approach. I’m just glad it has helped people and I really do love talking about my gorgeous Edward.

X

Thank you for sharing this. Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope the rest goes smoothly.

I have a close family friend who recently had a still born, they had no idea. Is there anything I can say or do? Or anything I shouldn't say or do?
Thank you

Hello distantstars

Firstly, there isn’t anything you can say or do that will take their pain away. The I only thing I would advise is be present but not too much, if that makes sense.
Let your friend know you are there, perhaps offer to help around the house with things if she isn’t feeling up to doing much. Be prepared for her to turn you down as she may want the space but I found it nice to be able to break up the days as they are all so similar in the early days after the loss.
I had occasional visitors for an hour or so at a time when I felt ready and this did make me feel better for a little bit.
Also, ask her if she would like to tell you about her baby. Use her baby’s name as much as you can when you speak of him/her. Be open to listening to her story, sit with her and cry with her.
I felt it quite important that I was still recognised as a mum, I had been through a whole pregnancy and labour, the only difference was our baby died. I was really happy to talk about labour and how everything felt. I didn’t find it upsetting, more liberating.
I’m sure you would never say anything insensitive on purpose but phrases such as “at least you know you can get pregnant” and such like, generally are unhelpful.
There is no light in the situation so best not to try and find any. Someone asked me if i was “back to normal now” a few months after we had lost Edward - the truth to that answer is, I, we, will never be normal again. People can be incredibly insensitive sometimes, even when they don’t mean to be. I’m sure your friend will appreciate your efforts. Just be gentle.

@DippyDiplodocus my baby also died. It’s such an awful thing to go through and I am so sorry that you, too, have experienced it. I desperately want to have another baby and have been told what happened before won’t repeat itself but I will be classed as high risk, so lots of extra scans and monitoring.

Did you find the anxiety in your current pregnancy overwhelming at times and is there anything you would recommend that helps? I currently go to SANDS meetings and have counselling available to me. I don’t want to take medication because I worry that it could harm the baby.

I hope everything goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and your baby is born safe and well.

You sound like an amazing lady and more needs to be done to break the taboo surrounding this. There is a lady at work who lost her son in the same circumstances and I am so ashamed to say I avoided her for a year afterwards, I just didn’t know what to say.
Edward sounds beautiful and you have done him proud

Op I’m sitting here shedfingbuckets of tears for you your dh and Edward. This thread is a real gift and I am stunned at your generosity in doing it. I be read as far as finding out you are pregnant again( which made me cry even more) .
You are so articulate .
Thank you

Thanks for this lovely thread Dippy although your writing about Edward made me cry. Such love there, such a loved little one. He sounds truly gorgeous, and I feel quite honored to learn about him.

Best wishes for the rest of the pregnancy and the birth of Edward's little sister. Lucky little girl - you are obviously such a lovely mum

@Dippy for you and your family.

It sounds like you had some very sensitive care from medical professionals. What aspects of your care were particularly helpful/ unhelpful/ notable for whatever reason?

If you were talking to midwives/doctors etc, what would you want to let them know about how best to care for women who are experiencing pregnancy and neonatal loss?

Dippy, thank you for posting this. You are so lovely.

I wanted to ask how you felt leaving the hospital after you’d lost Edward. Were you in a blur, emotionally, so didn’t even take notice of anyone else? Do the staff suggest a quieter time of day for you to leave, when you have less chance of seeing other new parents leaving with their babies? I can only imagine how upsetting it might feel to be leaving hospital alone, physically sore, and bump into other new parents taking their baby home, and wonder if the staff try and make that bit easier for you somehow?

I don’t have any questions for you but jus wanted to wish you sincere condolences on the loss of Edward.

DippyDiplodocus my baby also died. It’s such an awful thing to go through and I am so sorry that you, too, have experienced it. I desperately want to have another baby and have been told what happened before won’t repeat itself but I will be classed as high risk, so lots of extra scans and monitoring.

Did you find the anxiety in your current pregnancy overwhelming at times and is there anything you would recommend that helps? I currently go to SANDS meetings and have counselling available to me. I don’t want to take medication because I worry that it could harm the baby.

I hope everything goes well for the rest of your pregnancy and your baby is born safe and well.

Hello VocalDuck

Firstly, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It really is a terrible place to find yourself. I was also told that the likelihood of having another stillborn baby was extremely low, however it didn’t and hasn’t stopped my anxiety around my current pregnancy.

The anxiety at times has been tough. I found the early stages of pregnancy very difficult as I couldn’t feel baby moving until about 18/19 weeks and so I’d have days where I was convinced that she had died. When I felt like that I called my midwife and she was happy for me to go in so she could listen in with the Doppler. She told me I could go in as many times as I wanted, which I found helpful.

As baby grew bigger and I was able to feel the movements more my anxiety did settle a little. However I still have days now where I will be unsure about movements, convince myself I haven’t really felt any and I will be scared that she has died. She often gives me a swift boot in the ribs not long after to prove me wrong.

I don’t think my anxiety will go away until she is out and safe. The feeling of having no control can be quite terrifying. Having said that I’m not a total nervous wreck all the time. I can go days, sometimes weeks now without thinking that something terrible will happen.
I have had some pretty horrible dreams though during this pregnancy, most of them related to DD dying. That’s generally when I would wake up and panic she had died. She’s not usually that active first thing in a morning either, just to add to my paranoia!

I personally haven’t had any counselling, or medication. I did join the SANDs forum etc but never attended meetings. I found the idea of facing other people’s pain, which I knew was horrific as it was the same as mine to be too much at the time. I was fortunate to have my DP who was an absolute rock and continues to be throughout this pregnancy too. He’s a good egg.

I think you just have to do what is best for you. Use your midwife and services around you as much as you need when the time comes. It is always better to be safe and put your mind at rest.

I wish you all the luck in the world with TTC and your future pregnancy.