I had an arranged marriage - ask me anything

[ArrangedMarriage]

I met my DH through our parents and we were married 6 months later!

And someone whose never had sex doesn’t get that thing about sexual incompatability, so if you start telling people they really ought to sleep together they see it as a judgement on their wish to wait....

I don't really understand sexual incompatibility. Surely it can be worked on though? First time I'd sex with dc's dad it was weird as fuck, but definitely improved

Unfortunately I’ve had a bitter experience of arranged marriage; culture and religion
Met a Dr who I dated for 3yrs, he was obviously very conflicted by the whole ‘relationship’. He spent years getting to consultant level and I suspect this was a way of putting off any impending arranged marriage.
I just feel so very sad for him and also very angry with him
I also think he was less than truthful with me about the responsibilities and path his parents wanted him to take. He was British born and had Indian and another culture ( which would possibly identify him) parents. He was Muslim. I’m honestly seething about this 3 years later- the withholding of info, the fact I with a masters degree would not be good enough for his parents, the fact he KNEW this would not have a positive outcome. I was interested in his religion and culture but he minimised it, the only think he said was his dad said ‘no girlfriends’. Sorry to be negative- it’s just my experience. Thanks for starting the thread

Well, some people like certain things whereas others don’t and vice versa. Libido is also a regular contention in relationships for instance...

In the case of the person I mentioned above it turned out she was in fact a-sexual and he had a high sex drive. It was never going to work. But it wouldn’t have been such an issue had they slept together before getting married. Once they were married they essentially needed to find a way to make it work, and they couldn’t.

If you marry someone knowing your differences then that’s one thing, but if you don’t know them prior to marriage then you either have to find a way through or look at divorce, which in some circles is still frowned upon.

@Wherethereisawill Lucky escape so. You'd have countless PIL posts on here and lots of "you've a DH problem " answers

Thank you smellmybeads. I believe I really had a lucky escape- it’s just not a nice way to treat anyone

where were you off a different background to him? Tbf I know many Asian parents who expect their doctor children to marry fellow doctors.

I had an arranged marriage as well, similar to OPs experiences. Hindu here.

Sunshineness, even when people are choosing their partners and generally in society as well at any level, there is an implicit or explicit judging of worth / utility! As such I don’t see why it should be seen as a sad thing.

Must also state that the AMA threads have been fascinating to read!

@Where there's a will

Wizzywigg- middle class upbringing, private school, ponies etc... u get the idea sorry to sound wanky! Medicine degree and Msc but white British was the issue

Wherethereisawill,

I say this as someone of the same background as your ex, you are better off without him!
He shouldn’t have been stringing you along for 3 years. It is also possible that his parents could have been a convenient scapegoat for his decisions!

Thanks allzwell I did have a lucky escape; he was narcissistic, controlling and used to stalk me terribly. I know I’m better off it’s just the lies/omissions. Anyway don’t want to derail thread! It’s made me interested in different cultures and religions and that can only be a good thing

@ArrangedMarriage, thanks for doing this thread. Might be a silly question, but what is the perceived benefit of having an arranged marriage? Surely your parents could just approve someone you'd met yourself, seeing as you were getting a lot of input? Isn't it a lot of effort/ hassle for everyone involved? Just curious why this tradition is kept alive still

NCpuffin: I think it’s a lot of hassle going through having to choose someone yourself. In arranged marriages , most of the prepping and weeding out are done early by parents and match makers, you only need to meet the serious ones. It’s much easier and leaves you free to focus on other thing!

I sound like my parents now! 😂

Maybe, but I met DH when I was least expecting to. Can't say getting together was a lot of effort, we didn't go on dates or anything. I guess it was love at first sight, cringe cringe! Getting my parents to arrange dates would certainly have been more cumbersome!

In addition , to add to the nitty gritty of arranging marraiages ( as done on our parts in India):

1. They match horoscopes ( not relevant to day to day life but very important in Hindu arranged marriages)
2. They check up on relatives / people the family associate with for upto three generations. Some people even employ private detectives for this.
3. The dowry and financial settlements are pre discussed and approved.
4. The system then provides support ( social , economic and otherwise ) in case things go wrong even after this : spouse dies, gets sick , ill treats you or runs off with someone else! Marriages are meant to last and the aim is to match as much as possible to remove as many irritants to compatibility as they can.

I get irritated with this sometimes but I can see how it provides an important function that as young adults we might be able to do ourselves.

Last sentence should read; as young adults we might not be able to do ourselves.

I also think of arranged marriages vs marriages where you choose your partner as comparable to communism vs capitalism 😂

Sorry if offending anyone 🙈

When you had sex did you let your parents know how it was

@icecreamgate why would she?

Do people who don’t have arranged marriages tell their parents when they’ve first had sex?

In Islam what happens between husband and wife and intimacy is between the two, talking about each other describing what goes on behind closed doors is discouraged. Unless it’s to seek help for a matter.

WTF talks to their parents about their sex life

Really interesting thread OP - I can see the appeal of arranged marriages (providing you get on with your parents and trust their judgement!) ‘Love marriages’ are a bit of a blip in human history when you think about it, I guess.
Is it hard to get to know someone with assorted relatives involved/knowing what’s going on? Did you feel the weight of expectation to ‘get on’ with guys you met? (I don’t mean in a nasty way, just in a ‘oooh they all have such high hopes that we’ll like each other, what if it’s awkward and awful?!’ kind of way )

You say you could of said no at any point do you know of any that were forced.

What of honour killings as well when the father, brother or even husband feel that the woman as done something and she is killed.

We usually only hear the horror stories of an older man marrying a much younger woman in fact no more than a child really. Does this actually happen as well?

I'm on the understanding that the women are meant to be pure when marrying is this a myth? There was a thread in relationships saying this if I remember rightly.