I had an arranged marriage - ask me anything

[ArrangedMarriage]

I met my DH through our parents and we were married 6 months later!

Do you live with in laws? Do they treat you ok if so

Oops sorry. I've been watching the footie!
I'm on my phone so may be a tad slow with the replies.

How long have you been married? Are you happy?

Been married 11 years. Yes I am happy. We've had a few ups and downs as you would any relationship but we are very happy.

What would the consequences have been for you and your husband if either of you decided not to proceed?

None whatsoever. It wouldn't have happened if either one of us was unhappy.

Did you love him straight away or did you have to grow to love him.

No! The love grew gradually over time However I got to know him very well over the months before we got engaged. Lots and lots of chatting on the phone, asking each other lots of questions about all sorts of things that you probably wouldn't normally ask someone you've just known recently like kids, views on things, etc. It's like speeding getting to know someone if that makes sense!

This is really personal - don’t feel you have to answer - when did you first have sex?

Any pictures before hand
No, no pictures. Just a very brief description - his job and age and where he was from ( which happened to be the same city I live in anyway) and that's it really.

Is he your cousin?

Is he your cousin
No

Where are you from?
We were born in the UK. Our parents are from India.

I know you said arranged and not forced as there's a huge huge difference between the two but would you have been allowed to say no without feeling guilty or having your parents be angry at you

Oh course- my parents did not put pressure on me or be angry if I had said no. In fact I had met around 6/7 guys before over a few years all of which I said no to after the initial meeting. Sometimes it was because we both had very different views on things, sometimes it was we just wanted different things in life and with others I just didn't really click with them and knew instinctly we wouldn't be compatible.

When I was a teen I thought an arranged marriage would be awesome because I really did not want to get involved in the mess that is adolescent relationships.
My parents (being typical white hippies who slightly begrudged the fact that children couldn't just be treated like independent adult housemates) were not up for the idea and in the end I got my Mrs along with my BSc.

Do you think arranged marriages work well? Would you recommend it to others? Do you think they'd work outside the communities in which they are common? Why or why not?

How old are you OP
Mid 30s

Did you have to be a virgin when you got married.
No and it isn't something that is discussed! Though I hadn't been married before so he may have assumed I was!

Have you had other boyfriends?
No, never.

Do you live with your in laws?
I did, for nearly 2 years. We both worked and saved like mad for a deposit for a house. It wasn't expected of us too but DH and I wanted to get on the property ladder instead of renting. Though some people are expected to live with their in laws from the get go but this is usually "stipulated" beforehand.

Any kids?

Great thread BTW

Have you watched Married at First Sight? If so, why do you think you have succeeded where they all failed?

Do you have kids?

(only if you're happy to talk about this) When did you first have sex? Did it not feel pressured / forced?
Well, I'm pretty sure we weren't the norm but we first had sex after a year we got married! We both agreed that we didn't want to just do it for the sake of it. We wanted to really get to know each other intimately and have a loving bond before we did something that was so special. When it did happen it just sort of happened organically.

Me too OP. Will you be getting your children married this way too?

Would you be “allowed” to split up if it wasn’t working? Especially in the event of violence or abuse?

Me too OP. Will you be getting your children married this way too?

You know, these days I think most people find their own. There's very few weddings ive attended recently where it's been arranged so I would expect my own children do so too. I hope they do as I really cannot bring myself to network with others and "sell" my children to perspective mils!

Thanks OP. Really interesting thread!

You sound great OP

Could you get divorced if you wanted to?
Why did you parents choose him?

Did feel fully confident on your wedding day that you were doing the right thing?
Were you doing it to please your family?

Do you have many friends who’ve also had AMs? Is it usual amongst your peer group?
Well I would say most people I know in my age group have had arranged marriages. As a rough figure I would say about three quarters though I am just thinking about the people I know. This obviously is just my observation. The younger kids now in their 20s are just finding their own. I think by the time my kids get married the practice would have almost gone.

What religion are you?
I am Muslim.

What was your wedding night like?
I was flipping knackered. I don't know if you are aware of Asian weddings but they last for days and are looong! I literally just had a shower, got into my PJs and went to bed! I had an early start the next day to do it all again! As we didn't have our own home we went to a nice hotel outside of town in the country. This was more for privacy and just being left alone more than anything!

I’m really surprised about the sex element OP. I just assumed it was something everyone did quickly to “get out of the way”. Fair play to you two for waiting until it felt right. Great thread!

Any kids?
We have 3 kids. We've just had a baby a few months ago who is currently sleeping snuggly in my arms.

Have you watched Married at First Sight? If so, why do you think you have succeeded where they all failed?

Neber heard of it but will see if I can find it online. Would be interesting to watch.

I reckon when it works arranged marriages work rather Han married at first sight because usually the couple have a getting to know each other period. Where you normally discuss everything so you both enter the marriage on the same page (hopefully).

Also you enter the marriage with a practical head, eg you have the same goals and life aims. Obviously attraction plays a part but you’re not in the first flush of that giddy butterflies in your stomach stage, that happens later ime.

Sorry to hijack I’ve seen married at first sight I find it intriguing.

I had a disastrous first arranged/forced marriage.

Second marriage I chose my own husband (actually he chased me and won over all my friends who convinced me to I’ve him a chance).