I had an arranged marriage - ask me anything

[ArrangedMarriage]

I met my DH through our parents and we were married 6 months later!

I think op you come from a more enlightened family. The ones I know we would see a man 4/5 times with family, announce an engagement and then get married asap. Not being pregnant within the first year would be gossiped about. And happy marriage translates as not being divorced. Marriage is something you put up with

How did your parents select potential candidates? You mention that there were others before your now-DH?

The way it works is your parents get the word out that you have a daughter / son on the market. This is done by word of mouth through people they know so that could be friends and family, people they know from the local mosque, in the community, neighbours, anyone they know really. You wouldn't go to all these people all at once asking every person they meet or anything! It's sort of done casually/ gradually. So a simple "we're looking for Hannah. If you have anyone in mind, please let us know" type thing. And then word gets around.

Another avenue is through "agents". These can be either men or women in the community who have lots and lots of names on their "books". You give them a call and a brief outline of your requirements and some info about your child and they will contact / give you the number of anyone they think would be suitable based on criteria.

Once you have the number of a potential match you'd call and exchange brief details of one another's son/ daughter to gauge if there's any point in meeting up.

People can have lots of criteria. Some may have hardly any and are more open. Common criteria are age, job, level of education, level of religiousness, hijab wearer or not etc. It could be anything- but the more criteria you have the less likely you'd find a potential match.

If all sounds ok, a date is set for the awkward "tea party" as we call it. This is usually held at the girls home but can be at a relative's/ mutual friends etc too.

it doesnt sound too far off of people who go on blind dates OP

alot of people get married quickly, especially those who want to start a family. i couldnt do it (because i am fussy ) but it sounds like it worked out great for you!

i have a few muslim friends. one of them performed a dance with her sisters for one of the pre-wedding parties (cant remember what its called sorry). is this usual? did you do anything like that?

At the tea party the guy would usually come with his parents and maybe a sibling or aunt/ uncle etc. Men and women are usually in separate rooms.

Small chat ensues and tea and snacks and savouries are served. This is a chance for the potential mil to assess the girl and vice versa. You definitely feel on display and judged and I really didn't enjoy this part of it.

After a short time you would leave the room and have some time to chat 1-1 with the guy separately in another room. You'd discuss all sorts- job, education, hobbies, interests, do they like traveling, etc etc.

After this chat you may find you didn't really gel with this person or you both had very different expectations etc. If that's the case the parents politely call back a few days later explaining that they don't want to take it any further.

That's a rough guide of how things go, for my friends and family anyway.

I can give a little perspective to some people's questions.
I didn't have an arranged marriage myself but I also didn't go out with my husband before marriage etc.

What I can say is that most of the people I know (in my religion and also from my culture) have had arranged marriages and majority are happy. It is strange to think how two strangers who have talked a little before marriage can come together from marriage and make something out of it but it is so normal for a huge amount of people. There are only a very few amount of people I know who have issues but I guess this can go for any sort of marriage. My background is also Asian (let's say indian, Pakistani etc).

On the other hand there are more people choosing their own partners nowadays and the friends I have who have chosen their own seem to have a bad relationship after marriage. It seems like the guy fought for love but once marries showed his true colours. It's a real shame.

Fascinating thread OP.
Can I ask, how long between meeting did you get engaged? Did you have a down on one knee proposal?

You mentioned on the criteria of looking for a spouse, such as if the woman wears a hijab. I know this is not relevant to arranged marriage but do you wear a hijab?

I'm not being flippant and due to my working life have an awareness of the 'range' of arranged marriages from no choice to something moe like yours with an involvement in the decision making.

In your case I can't see much difference between meeting someone through a dating agency or online and the arrangements made for you. Your parents acted as your dating agent. You made the choices through finding out about the men suggested to you. As with online/dating agency, you compared interests, life aspirations, and talked. You then made a choice.

It sounds respectful and you are happy.

Did sex not build up into a huge Thing in the year it took for you to, erm, get stuck in, so to speak? And were you intimate in other ways eg snogging?

I also had an arranged marriage, and I’d like to touch on the “sex” aspect it thats ok, as there are a lot of assumptions that you need to have sex with someone before knowing if you’re compatible in bed.

For us, we’ve learnt together and have grown together and it’s something really beautiful that I cherish. My dh has always been good at asking me what I’m enjoying and what I’m not, and telling me what he likes and I think this is key in any relationship and marriage. This is why I don’t believe you need to have sexual relations beforehand. If you have an open and frank relationship then you can learn each other’s likes and dislikes over time and make sex enjoyable for you both.

feesh yes, we were intimate with each other by cuddling, kissing etc. Remember, we have never had partners before so even this was new to us and we were still exploring and enjoying this aspect first.

As we became more comfortable with each other physically over time, this naturally then progressed on to the sex. It happened very organically. I would have hated it if we just went straight to "last base" . It would have felt extremely awkward and probably wouldn't have lasted very long either!

BlueAnchor yes, there is a wide range of how arranged marriages are carried out. Where parents have already chosen your partner or where people have only a handful of brief chats is when its open to it going wrong. In a lot of marriages I know people have just accepted and put up with alot of stuff they're not happy with as they didn't really get the chance to know each other.

Can I ask, how long between meeting did you get engaged? Did you have a down on one knee proposal?

We were engaged after 3months if meeting and then married 3months later. We decided to stop contact with each other for a few weeks to really think things through on our own before we made our decision. I was happy and my parents informed his parents. Alot of "official" communication is done via the parents like the wedding planning etc too. He then took a flipping fortnight to get back to me ( which he did get an earful for!). So no, there was no romantic grand gestures involving going on one knee!

This is fascinating, so interesting to hear more about the process. Reading it I was thinking though, doesn't this make girls / women in the community feel a bit reduced to their "market value" so to speak? Like when you get together with a partner through your own choice you know they fell for you "warts and all" and vice versa. Whereas with the arranged marriage wouldn't it feel a bit like, if I hadn't got my degree, if my body shape changed, whatever, you must be valued less?

You sound very happy and like you have a wonderful marriage so I'm sure it doesn't feel like this for you now, but wouldn't young girls / women before marriage be driven to think this way? Constantly judged by all your family, even aunts and uncles and potential future MILs

I think someone asked this already but I didn't see the answer (sorry if I missed it). Why didn't you meet anyone or have any relationships at uni? You said you had opportunity so it seems unusual you didn't. Did you really prefer the idea of having an arranged marriage?

@sunshiness
I have read this thread the complete opposite way. I think it has been a very respectful process towards the OP, there has been no game playing. Her DH was in or out. She could ask him any question she wanted.
You only have to read the relationships thread to see how many people cannot / do not communicate with their spouses.
It has been most heartwarming to read about the positive side of arranged marriage, and not all the negative clichés.

Thanks, OP. This thread has been interesting, and thanks for your frankness. I know some women who have had arranged marriages, but none well, and would feel prurient asking questions.

One in particular unsettles me -- she's from India, and he's British but of Indian origin (I think his parents were the ones who came over), and the families arranged the match. They talked on Skype for some months, but only met in person the day before the wedding in Mumbai after he'd flown over, and the next day, left to fly to Heathrow.

They've been married long enough to have a six and a three year old, but she often seems bewildered and isolated, and talks about what a shock it was to come from a big extended family sharing space in an Indian city to an English village where people tend to close their doors and keep themselves to themselves. She's very pretty, her husband is very much not, and has a significant facial deformity I mention it because while I assume this wasn't a surprise to her, as they talked on Skype, they only met the day before they got married and while they seem to rub along well enough, it doesn't seem particularly happy.

I have sometimes wondered whether to her and her parents the fact that he has a professional job and is English was what carried this marriage through, especially as she said she was 'on the old side' when they married...?

I don't know, it just makes me wonder the extent to which even fairly in-depth conversations can really mean you know someone intimately. And the extent to which you trust your parents...?

@Sunshines it works both ways, the men are also chosen according to education, good looks and family status.

I think it’s pretty even.

Oh I completely agree Curly, it does sound very respectful in the OP's case and I've found it so interesting to learn more about this. I still wondered about the market value thing though when the OP talked about a woman "being on the market" and listed common criteria such as education, age, etc.

fuzzy Fair enough - wouldn't it make everyone involved a bit reduced to their market value.

Fascinating post. I was all set to tell you that it was a stupid stupid thing to do. But in all fairness if my parents had of chosen a husband for me, they certainly wouldn't have chosen exH.

It's very interesting. Although 1 year for sex!!!! I presume you were in the same bed?

Interesting thread.

You only have to look at the relationships boards to see how many marriages go wrong when the couple have chosen each other anyway to know that it very much isn’t a case of choosing your partner will lead to the happy ever after.

And with any kind of marriage there will of course be positive and negative stories, but we seem to focus more on the negatives perhaps even because of our own lack of cultural diversity.

I think it’s also fair to say that given the amount of western marriages where the family still do not accept the new partner, a process which is done respectfully and where the family etc is on board is more likely to have an overall positive outcome.

I know plenty of people who are in unhappy relationships where there was no arranging on their part. So why shouldn’t it also work the other way in terms of arranged marriages being able to work out as long as the process is carried out respectfully?

PS: years ago my parents knew a couple who had run away from their arranged marriages in Sri Lanka and had been disowned by their families as a result. They had had to leave the country to escape persecution. In those kinds of cases I absolutely think that arranged marriage was the wrong step for any of them.

Conversely I also know of someone in the UK who had been suggested to several men back in her home country and who all turned her down because she has disabilities. She did later marry someone but turned out that, in cliche style, he came here and married her, and stayed with her only until his visa came through and then he left for the other woman he’d been seeing in his home country all along.

But that kind of situation could happen in any kind of marriage whether conventional or otherwise.

I’ve always associated the whole getting married thing in Asian culture as being similar to a Jane Austen period novel.

You get women (& actually men) who will eventually settle for a spouse who ticks some boxes but not all because they feel otherwise they’ll miss the boat and be single forever.

You have the ones who are wealthy educated and good looking and can pick and choose (to an extent, I know a guy who met his ‘dream’ potential wife... except he wasn’t her dream potential husband and she turned him down).

And you get those whose parents, and who themselves aren’t looking for the ideal spouse as such, but someone who they're compatible with who has a nice family and who it feels they can grow together with.

When I met DP I tried to think of every reason not to accept his proposal, but everyone suggested to give it a go. I’m glad they did.

For me personally with the question of sex, I found we cared so much about each other we talk to each other and listen and it is good because we want the other to enjoy it.

Altho DP & I weren’t an arranged marriage I can’t say I was head over heels in love with him. I liked him, I respected him I found him to be interesting and clever and kind and I loved the way he treated his family especially his younger sisters.

I am head over heels now, sometimes just watching him playing with our DC I get butterflies in my stomach, I love coming home to him after work etc.

I prefer it this way.

It’s not to say there’s wrong way to get married or a right way.
This way works for some of us.

My dc are split into two over arranged marriage marriages. My eldest wants me to introduce her to potential suitors when she is ready (I’m not holding out much hope on succeeding as she is very into K-Pop and wants to marry a Korean CEO, I don’t know any Korean people, never mind a ceo, so not sure how this willing happen).

And my middle dc intends on moving into a flat with her best friend and they’re going to have lots of cats. So I won’t be able to tell her to clear up after herself. She’s also moving to Korea (another mad K-Pop fan).

Youngest dc currently too young to speak so no idea how that one will pan out.

SmellMyBeads I was with my eXH for around nine months before we had sex, and yes, we shared a bed on occasion. Admittedly I didn’t marry him in that time, but we did ultimately get married and were so for several years....

I am of the belief that couples should probably have sex before getting married especially in an environment where divorce has a stigma attached to it, however I do think that we as a society are almost more judgemental of those who don’t have sex now than those who do. Bearing in mind that for a couple who marry as virgins and stay together for life have never and will never have any sexual partner other than each other. There’s a lot to be said for casual sex and the hurt it can cause...

@summergems Thanks for sharing. If I'd never had sex I'd probably not get "the urge" if my partner was next to me. Totally agree about casual sex and the mental hurt.

It’s an interesting one. With my subsequent relationship I didn’t wait that long, but then I’d already been married at that point and had a child so I suppose it was different.

But I do think that the need or desire not being there is a valid point. I know someone who wasn’t a virgin but his dw was and wanted to wait (for religious reasons,) but after the wedding that urge essentially never happened even after they’d had sex. They were totally incompatible and it was ultimately one of the reasons for the breakdown of the marriage. Had they slept together prior to marrying each other they would have known that and could have walked away with more dignity iyswim, but once you’re married it’s not that easy is it...