I had an arranged marriage - ask me anything

[ArrangedMarriage]

I met my DH through our parents and we were married 6 months later!

Would you be “allowed” to split up if it wasn’t working? Especially in the event of violence or abuse?

Of course, though there is a stigma about divorce in the Asian community esp for women even if it was due to abuse / not their "fault" so to speak. Because of this some women may not seek help and keep quiet. This was especially true for my parents generation. I know very very few couples my parents age that have divorced but I know loads and loads of unhappy couples! It's sad and things are changing but slowly.

Although you are happy is there any part of you that wishes you could have just found your own husband?

my exDH (muslim) married me out of choice when we were 20 but to be honest it wasn't a new thing or that much of a taboo even back then 10 years ago. Most of his friends even those from strict families 'found' there own spouses.

I think the whole arranged marriage thing really varies depending on the family, cultural background and level of religiousness.

In my experience more religious families tend to favour arranged marriages. I have quite a few Arab friends and arranged marriages isn't really what's done. It might be just the people I know but in the community I am from it is very much the norm.

Do you think arranged marriages work well?

I think arranged marriages are a bit like speed dating. You have an initial meeting if you think no, i really don't think he's on the same page as me then you just move onto the next one.

If it goes well then there's lots of talking and getting to know each other. You really need to understand the other person's hopes and dreams, aims and objectives of life etc. This can go on for a few months but can be just a few weeks or even a few times. Everyone is different.

If during this process you have unearthed something that doesn't fit well with you then you just walk away.

If all goes well and youre both on the same page, have similar outlook on life and you've discussed all the important things then I think you just have just as good a chance of your marriage as a couple who have dated.

It's when couples haven't really got to know each other or havent discussed the important stuff that things are more open to going wrong.

Do you have friends who have had an arranged marriage and are miserable?

Do you have friends who have had an arranged marriage and are miserable?

In my close circle of friends the ones who have had arranged marriages are happy, however one has in law problems such as expectations of cooking and cleaning for the ILS.

Pressed too soon. There are definitely lots of unhappy arranged marriages. Don't mean to sound sexist but it's usually the men who are giving shit to their wives or the in-laws expect to be waited on. This can be even more so if you end up living with them.

However, in the older generation there was no introduction or meetings. They literally just saw a photo or not and got married off by whoever their parents chose. So there was a higher probability of marriages being unhappy as unions weren't based on personalities/ life aims etc.

How come you chose to have an arranged marriage and not meet someone yourself? Or was an arranged marriage what was expected of you?

Thank you so much for doing this thread OP. I've already learned a lot from it.

You sound very resigned to all this, OP.

I'm an academic, and know that some of my female students from conservative religious backgrounds are doing a degree only to postpone arranged marriages they seem unenthusiastic about but also resigned to. I find it difficult to deal with, if I'm honest -- choosing a life partner is as much of a key decision as a career, where to live, whether or not to have children etc, and to relinquish that choice to someone else seems such an abnegation of your own freedom!

Ok a question. The months between the initial introduction and getting engaged you mention talking on the phone a lot, but were you also meeting in the flesh, even if you were chaperoned?

And another question -- if it's not too intrusive. You'd known one another for quite some time, and had been married a year before you first had sex. Did you worry about sexual incompatibility? I've always been of the belief that you should ideally sleep together fairly early on in a relationship, so you don't discover months or years down the line that you've invested heavily in someone you don't mesh with in bed...

How come you chose to have an arranged marriage and not meet someone yourself? Or was an arranged marriage what was expected of you?

I've been brought up with arranged marriages all around me all my life. It's not something I opposed or questioned which does sound naive. I saw it as additional means of meeting potential life partners. As long as it's not forced etc I don't think there is anything innately wrong with them. I went to uni, lived away and had lots of opportunities to find someone myself but I didn't find anyone and I always knew that if I didn't find my own I would go through the arranged marriage route.

After uni I wasn't interested in settling down and just concentrated on finding a job and working. After a few years I felt the time was right and spoke to my parents to get the ball rolling so to speak.

I know that it is a very alien concept and its difficult to understand why people would find life partners this way and there are alot of misconceptions around it and people understandably don't want to ask too many questions in rl.

Thanks OP for sharing

It's great to get the perspective of someone who's had such a positive experience of arranged marriage, I didn't realise that they could be this way

AdulterousMuse are the students getting a choice in who they marry or is it a case of the parents have chosen someone. If it's the latter then I don't blame them. This isn't how it should be though of course it still happens in more conservative families.

Did you worry about sexual incompatibility?
You know that was one thing I never did think about! Fortunately, we didn't have any issues.

Ok a question. The months between the initial introduction and getting engaged you mention talking on the phone a lot, but were you also meeting in the flesh, even if you were chaperoned?

We did meet but only a handful of times and we met up in each others' homes. We didn't meet outside though some people will meet up in coffee shops etc . This may or may not be chaperoned.

When you were at Uni, did you ever want to have boyfriends like everybody else? Did guys ask you out? If so, did you turn them down? Did you ever feel left out?

Many years ago I had a lady work for me who had an arranged marriage. She was very well educated but quite young getting married, compared to Uk averages. She was however one of the most happily married people I know. She would beam talking about her husband and they would always meet to travel home from work together which I thought was quite nice - please don’t mis interpret as controlling husband anyone. You can tell when someone is genuinely happy.

I’m not from a culture that arranged marriages would be part of but I do see how they can work because you really work out the beliefs and expectations of marriage in advance. Obviously that doesn’t always work if people aren’t honest.

Lovely to hear from another person who it works for.

By the way it’s not only arranged marriages that don’t know about sexual compatibility before marriage - not everyone has sex before marriage.

Why did you marry so quickly but then wait a year to consummate?

OP, my impression has been that it varies from community to community and families within those communities. Some students seem as if they are being presented with a fait accompli, others have some limited input. I would say the majority appeared to just see it as the next life stage, and took it for granted — but at the same time, some had clearly chosen to study in order to have some limited freedom before marrying, even though there seemed no prospect of them using the degree. Their passivity bothered me. Much of my student life was very political, but these students get picked up after their last lecture by a brother, and mostly seemed to talk only to one another.

One girl said her older sister had a secret boyfriend, I remember.

Why did you marry so quickly but then wait a year to consummate?

When we were married, though we were attracted to each other, we didnt want to have sex straight away. We didn't want it to be something that felt expected or forced or planned. We also wanted to get to know each other more deeply and intimately before we did it. We didn't plan on waiting a year- that is how long it took. If we had felt ready sooner it would have happened then. I must admit it's not the norm but we had discussed this once we were engaged.

Would you want your children to have an arranged marriage?

Another question, if you're OK with it, OP. How did your parents select potential candidates? You mention that there were others before your now-DH? What's the norm in your community? Are there matchmakers, or do families just put the word about when someone's on the marriage market? Also, was your DH supposed to have zero sexual experience, just like you?

I honestly cannot imagine delegating my marriage partner choice to my parents -- our priorities are so different, and their choices would have reflected the kind of life they wanted for me, which was completely different to the one I wanted.

During your teenage years, 20s, Uni, even now. you must have come across men who you fancied and possibly even had a connection with, your personalities 'clicked'.
What did you do? Did you ignore it? Did you quash those feelings or act upon them?
If you ignored it, was it because you had the thought of AM in your head?
Or if you acted upon them, why did you then choose the AM route? Why not give 'love' a chance?
I'm happy you're happy and it worked out for you, and I believe you love your husband, however 'that guy' could be the love of your life, your soul mate. Does that ever cross your mind? (I know I sound a bit dramatic, but hopefully you know what I mean)

Would you want your children to have an arranged marriage?

In all honesty, I think they will find their own. I don't want to go down the arranged marriage route with them tbh. One drawback is that you aren't introduced to people of different cultures/ race as culturally you would marry in your own community. So for example as an Indian you wouldn't be introduced to a Pakistani. This union does obviously happen but it would be more likely when people have found their own.

Also you need to network, get yourself out there to put your kids on the "market". Get yourself known. My parents did that for me and they knew lots of people.
If you're like me and DH who keep ourselves to ourselves, thats our idea of hell and we would fail miserably!

Thank you, this is so interesting. I have friends in a happy arranged marriage, but I wouldn't want to ask them intrusive questions!

You say you were attracted to your DH. Was that the moment you met? Was it 'phwoar', or 'ok, you're nice looking'? Did the 'phwoar' thing ever happen, if so how long did it take, and was it when you started to fall for him emotionally, or something else triggered it?

I think it's so lovely you decided to wait for sex until it felt right. A lot of mutual respect and communication there, clearly.