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AMA

I have Dissociative Identity Disorder - AMA.

171 replies

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 16:34

As the title says...

OP posts:
BlancheM · 07/07/2018 18:00

Do any of your identities have polar opposite ideologies, like veganism or politically for example?
Have you ever had someone talk to you who you haven't recognised because you met them as a different identity?
(Sorry if I've termed anything here offensively).

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 18:23

Do your alters know each other are there?

Yes, definitely - particularly noticeable with the younger ones. I would say that they don't know when another one is in control though.

Do you remember what your alters have been up to?

No. This is the most terrifying aspect of this illness. Sometimes I get an out of body experience, but other times there is just a blank gap.

Are you aware of them when you are in charge of your body?

Currently working on this in therapy, at the moment I am only aware afterwards.

How do you find out about the other identities?

I thought I had psychosis, actually everyone thought I had psychosis but several aspects didn't fit - namely my voices are inside, rather than outside, my head and when they were mapped out they related to specific parts of my life, or have specific things about their personalities that relate to specific parts of my life.

Is having DID really like how it is portrayed in Split?

I haven't watched Split - I started watching it and realised I was going to scare myself shitless. I have been told by other people that it's not a good portrayal. I intend to watch it when I am in a better place mentally.
I have seen a documentary recently and I definitely thought the person it was about had DID.

Do you think any of your other alters are on here?

Honestly, I don't know. I am good at forgetting passwords so this is my second account, however, sometimes in the past different preferences have come out in my posts, so I think that yes, probably one of the adult ones is on here.

Do the alters talk to each other or only to you?

I would say usually only to me, however there are times when it gets very "heated" inside my head and I have no idea who is talking to who. We also journal and so they can communicate that way.

How do you feel about your alters? Do you like some more than others?

Yes, definitely! At first it was terrifying, it still is, but I have learnt to accept it and they are ultimately there to protect me from my own memories - so for me they are a positive thing, but there are definitely some I like more than others.

Do any of your identities have polar opposite ideologies, like veganism or politically for example?

Yes - smoking. One smokes, I cannot stand the smell of smoke and it really pisses me off. One is also a healthy living guru so a complete change in the identity.

Have you ever had someone talk to you who you haven't recognised because you met them as a different identity?

Yes - I actually have this a bit, although less so now as I am currently hiding myself away. The most recent example would have been with a GP - they thankfully understood exactly what was happening and were very reassuring.

Someone asked about names - they all have very separate names apart from the first one that I had (the one I have known about the longest).

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 18:27

Do you think it was a safety net for you when you were traumatised as a child, so that you didn't have to cope with what was happening?

Thanks so much for talking to us here, OP, on such an interesting topic for us but such a difficult thing for you.

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 18:35

Do you think it was a safety net for you when you were traumatised as a child, so that you didn't have to cope with what was happening?

Absolutely, I disassociated to cope with the trauma. There is some really good information on Mind (the mental health charity) which explains the full range of dissociative disorders and how they come about. PODS (Positive Outcomes for Dissociative Survivors) also have some really good information on their website too.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 07/07/2018 18:43

I really hope you have a positive outcome, too, OP.

fuzzyfozzy · 07/07/2018 18:48

I have no knowledge of this, so hoping I don't offend! The identities that your mind has created, do they relate to your life in any way? Ie could they be people you've met or read about?

BlancheM · 07/07/2018 18:48

Thank you for answering my questions :)

NotMaryWhitehouse · 07/07/2018 18:59

When you do the shopping, do you take into account the tastes of your alters? Silly cereals for the children etc?

Do you ever feel like you've taken on a parenting role to the younger ones, or are they more like siblings. Or neither/something else?

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:06

@fuzzyfozzy - not at all offensive, actually I asked a similar question to the professionals. My identities don't reflect people around me necessarily, but they do have some traits of people who I thought would not be going through the abuse I was at various stages of my life. Other traits are just completely random.

@NotMaryWhitehouse Food shopping is one of the hardest things I have to do. Menu planning is a life saver and I try to do that and then stick to the budget and the shopping list. It always causes an argument. I don't necessarily buy brands though specifically for the younger ones, no.

I am protective of the younger ones but I wouldn't say that I attempt to parent them (seriously, I struggle to look after myself some days let alone several young alters). I do look out for them though when I am myself. I can soothe them as well (just learning).

OP posts:
Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:07

@HollowTalk Thank you Flowers

@BlancheM You are very welcome, thank you for asking them Flowers

OP posts:
fuzzyfozzy · 07/07/2018 19:34

Is there a reason you have younger identities? My thoughts might be to give you another chance at childhood?
Thanks for doing this!

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 07/07/2018 19:37

This is absolutely fascinating!!

Do you get any signs that one of your alters is about to take over? Is that the right term? Take over? Or is it more that they emerge?

Are they all the same sex/gender? Do they have names?

How long a time between alters? Days/weeks or sometimes more than once a day?

Does anything specific trigger an emergence of a particular alter? Maybe when you're tired the same one emerges. Or a particular situation does a specific one emerge?

So many questions!

yawning801 · 07/07/2018 19:37

Personal question, sorry...
Do the identities have different sexualities? Feel free to not answer if it's too personal.

yawning801 · 07/07/2018 19:38

Another one! Sorry!

Would you consider yourself to be the dominant identity?

NotMaryWhitehouse · 07/07/2018 19:42

Thanks for sharing with us, it's very interesting (although probably quite 'boring' to you!)

I hope life treats you well, you sound like a lovely person and I wish you all the best.

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:47

Is there a reason you have younger identities? My thoughts might be to give you another chance at childhood?

From @FuzzyFozzy

I used to think the same way, however, I now know that some of my alters were formed to protect me and take be into a subconscious fantasy that was a world away from what I was going through. I think alter ages for the younger ones are formed to be roughly the same ages as I should have been making developmental leaps but wasn't due to the abuse as well.

OP posts:
Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:51

Do you get any signs that one of your alters is about to take over? Is that the right term? Take over? Or is it more that they emerge?

No signs that I can recognise, although one of the things we are currently working on in therapy is whether there are any signs. Some people say when I switch I look a bit dazed.

Are they all the same sex/gender? Do they have names?

Not all the same sex/gender, and yes, they all have names.

How long a time between alters? Days/weeks or sometimes more than once a day?

It depends. Right now I am super switchy, but I think I had a good run of about four months when I was only switching between myself and adult identities which is much easier than switching between myself and child identities in terms of living normal adult life.

Does anything specific trigger an emergence of a particular alter? Maybe when you're tired the same one emerges. Or a particular situation does a specific one emerge?

At the moment it feels random, when I am stressed or anxious or tired or unwell I am more likely to be switching more rapidly.

I am really unsure how to answer questions so people can follow easily, any ideas?

These were asked by @IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed

OP posts:
Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:56

Asked by @yawning801

Do the identities have different sexualities?

Yes. So different genders and different sexualities, although the younger ones are only different genders.

Would you consider yourself to be the dominant identity?

This is where I get a bit confused with the Me plus 8 thing as Me and an Identity are so similar that it is hard to tell the difference and with that identity I get the out of body experience where I can see things so whilst it's like having really bad brain fog I am more aware afterwards when I've switched to that identity about what I have been up to.

OP posts:
Hawkie · 07/07/2018 19:56

Thank you very much @NotMaryWhitehouse

OP posts:
imstartingtogetfitnow · 07/07/2018 19:58

Hi, thinking back to your childhood, is there something that anyone could have done to help you feel more connected on a day to day basis? I just wondered as I am helping dissociative children to process their trauma and it's difficult to know what to do sometimes. Thank you, I admire your strength.

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 07/07/2018 20:02

Thanks for answering my questions @Hawkie Much appreciated as I can't imagine any of this being easy to deal with. Have a drink you deserve it! Wine

IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 07/07/2018 20:03

How do your friends deal with it all? Are they kind of jokey as in "who do we have today then?" or do you find that offensive or disrespectful?

Hawkie · 07/07/2018 20:04

Really awesome question @imstartingtogetfitnow . Thank you for doing what you are doing.

I wish people hadn't shouted at me for "daydreaming" so much. Dissociation wasn't known about where/when I grew up so I was always in a lot of trouble for it - the shouting actually made it worse.

One of the best things anyone did for me was a teacher who encouraged me to be creative to express my emotions and what was happening (she's died now so I can never ask her what she knew but I think she knew that there was something awful happening in my life). We also had another teacher who was great and who taught me yoga. Both are things that helped then and are still helping today.

OP posts:
Hawkie · 07/07/2018 20:08

@IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed Thank you for the drink (I don't actually drink as that does make me more switchy, but I will have a juice!).

Most of my friends don't know about it - I've lost a lot of friends as most thought I was just really odd. Those that did know something had happened have either been amazing (no jokeyness) or walked away due to the fact they believe that I should have said as a child what was happening (as much as I did not like what was happening I did not know anything different and so thought it was just part of my life; or, I thought it was so horrific I wanted to be someone that did not have to go through it). I would say ten people know outside of medical professionals; they know a range of things with probably two knowing a lot and others just knowing I have a dissociative illness rather than DID. DID hasn't been portrayed well in media, films etc. which is why I usually say i have a dissociative illness to most people if I need to say anything.

OP posts:
imstartingtogetfitnow · 07/07/2018 20:15

Thank you for giving me this insight Smile I hope therapy continues and provides you with some peace.