I have Dissociative Identity Disorder - AMA.

[Hawkie]

As the title says...

@Justtheonequestion I also have DID. Broadly speaking, it's like this: Everyone starts out with a somewhat "dissociated" personality- young children don't have a fully formed sense of "self". As the child grows and learns, all the parts of the child's mind coalesce to make a more coherent whole. If the child experiences abuse before their personality has formed (so about 7ish, usually) then, rather than becoming more coherent, the child begins to "fragment" themselves in order to minimise the damage, using different parts of their mind for different situations and allowing other parts to "go away" in their head, until the child's identity becomes more fractured, not less. People with DID have generally never formed a solid sense of self, rather than having a pre existing one shattered. That's why it's so tricky to treat-a lot of the work has to be with a frightened and hurt child rather than a frightened and hurt adult. I hope this makes sense.

Wow it sounds awful. Im so sorry. I heard its incredibly rare. I have had psychosis and when stressed have subconsciously chosen to go into psychosis as a defence against reality. Is the same true for alters?
I hope all of you find a way to live together- is that inappropriate to say? X

That's not inappropriate at all, @Justtheonequestion . In fact, that's what most therapy aims at in the long run. To what extent integration of alters is a positive thing, or even possible for some, varies, but everyone can agree that living together is a good outcome.
How rare DID is is an interesting question. Me personally, I've had a lot of input from secondary and tertiary MH services and the people I've worked with (psychiatrists, clinical psychologists) have generally had very little experience of working with people like me. There's only a handful of specialist centres in the country that specialise in working with people that have full blown DID rather than making it up as they go along and you need both out of area NHS CCG funding and the agreement from your local CMHT that they're out of their depth to access treatment there. In other words, the NHS treats it like a "rare disease". The other issue is that if someone develops DID or another severe dissociative condition then that usually means that that person was repeatedly abused as a very small child-that's horrible and, in that sense, most people would want DID to be rare. However, it's important to remember that MH services only really comes into contact with those people who have difficulty living a "functioning" life. We sadly now know that there are more people who suffered abuse as children than we thought, so maybe there are more people with dissociative coping mechanisms than we thought. It seems unlikely that there are many people with full blown DID unknown to MH services (the memory loss alone is normally distressing enough that people seek help) but maybe there are more people who dissociate?
As for whether dissociation is defence from reality, the answer is: sort of. For me, dissociation (ie "detaching" from reality) is more "derealisation" than anything else. All of me can kind of dampen down the outside world so stressful situations don't effect me so much-it feels a bit like being on diazepam. It can be useful, as I don't freak out, but also means that things sometimes don't "go in" and I don't always remember bad things happening. It also leaves me vulnerable. "Switching" between alters is a totally different ball game. It sounds like OP is further along on her treatment journey to me. For me, I'm still at the point where I have very little internal communication, some of my alters are self destructive and I have lots of child alters. They're less a "defence" from reality and more parts of "me" at different points of development or experience, represented through different people. I don't doubt that all my alters have a reason for existing but, tbh, bugger me if I know what they are. I would like to, like the OP has, get to the point where the most "appropriate" alter takes over a task as that's caused me problems in the past.
I hope you find this even vaguely interesting. It's nice to be able to talk about

Oops sorry about the essay-I got carried away

I am just grabbing a coffee and cake and then I will be back to answer more questions - lovely to read @unweavedrainbow views on things too - thank you!

I am insanely lucky that to date none of my identities are self destructive (other than cigarettes) we don't think - this is incredibly rare, and was one of the reasons my diagnosis took so long. No one is entirely sure why this is.

I still have a disbelief that people fake DID purely because I don't actually think it is possible to fake the chaos that it brings into your life, particularly the memory gaps. I also think this stems a little bit from medics claiming that dissociative disorders aren't real (which happens a lot!), and so I think that if it is a faked illness, it's faked at a much less proportion than is usually stated. But yes, a lot of medical professionals and others will tell you this is up there with one of the most faked illnesses. I think that's why they are so cautious with therapy offers, diagnoses, etc at the start.

My CMHT totally refused to touch me, which at the time was horrific but has been a blessing in disguise. I was outsourced to charitable agencies mostly. This really annoys me but ultimately I did get the treatment I need.

They are dismissive enough of bpd as faking so it must be awful to be thought of as a did faker. I reckon its because you cant medicate dissociation. I should think its impossible to fake.

Thank you unweaved
I hope it gets easier for you.

The alter who speaks a different language - did they have to learn it somewhere? Have you verified that it is accurate and can you speak that language?

Asked by @TheBeastInMsRooneysRoom

So, it would have been learnt somewhere, I think - I just have no idea where / how. It's accurate (this has been checked). I will ask one of my therapists and come back to you with a more complete answer for this one. It's not a process I recall ever taking part in. In fact, I don't think I have ever heard this language being spoken.

do you think your alters are aware they are alters, or do you think they believe their own personality is the main one/Me?

Asked by @CatOwned

So, I think they are all aware of each other, however they all feel they are the main one. They do argue - and it's usually only when a decision has to be made. It gets incredibly loud inside my head at these times, I literally hate anything that requires a choice having to be made.

Good Afternoon @IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed

Question: In general, are you happy with your life and just want to find a way of living with your other identities? Or ideally would you rather they all went away?

This is really hard to answer as I am currently homeless and things aren't too great for me personally. However, I don't want them to go away (see below), and I am not suicidal; I am usually quite happy but chaotic but I have learnt to accept it now that this is how I am. When I don't have support though, that's when things get dark. With the support things are much improved for me and I do have a good quality of life (thank you NHS).

Question: If any of them disappeared for good, would this be considered positively by you and your therapists? As in there's a part of you which has been "healed"?

No, absolutely not - this would feel like you've ripped a huge part of me away to me. It's a horrible feeling to think they will disappear. The can be quieter and less chaotic but never disappear. I honestly cannot imagine what it would be like to not have it like this, it would be like losing my legs and eyesight all together I think.

Thank you for your thread. I have wondered for a while (after reading Kim Nobles book) and if you don’t mind answering about how every personality has a different name. How do you get your name and does anyone have “the body’s” name, or is that like a nickname you all would answer to? Thank you

Hi OP. Interesting thread. I have a dissociative disorder as well (although not an official DID diagnosis, as haven't been seeing a psychiatrist for ages, and I'm making it my mission to never see one again, or to have a single more assessment). I can definitely relate to most of the things you write about, although the specifics of my alters are different, of course.

I find it interesting you're having so much support from the MH services. I've been firmly put in the camp of "you're not suicidal, so you're not ill enough to see anyone". I have a lovely private therapist, though, who's helped me to make sense of my situation more than anyone else ever has in the past.

Funnily enough I can really relate to you health guru personality! Food, exercise and healthy/unhealthy habits are the biggest every day conflict between my parts. I think I must come across as extremely flakey often - all full of vegan foods and yoga one day, and well, definitely not always.

I haven't RTFT as I'm attempting to visit family atm and everything is stressing me out, but I'll get back to it.

I have yet another question, sorry What are the time ratios between you and your alters? Is it you 'in charge' or whatever the phrase is 90% of the time? 50%?
Are you aware when you're about to switch?
Do you switch randomly or always come back to 'you' (sorry not sure how to phrase it - the person writing the AMA) in between other alters?

You said earlier that all of your alters think they're the main personality, how do you know that you are the main one?

Hi, my best friend has recently been diagnosed with DID and she's just in the past 2 weeks told me about it. It was something I'd seen documentaries on before, but didn't really know much else about. She's kinda struggling at the moment, is there anything you can think of I can do to be a supportive friend? I'm a little outside my comfort zone if I'm honest, but I want to be there for her best I can. Tia :)

Sorry another, when you've been to therapy, have any other identities spoken?

Bad day today so back tomorrow to answer.

Hope you're feeling better soon, take care

Hugs hawkie x

Hug from me too, OP and unweavedrainbow

Just to say OP if this thread is harming you then there's no need to come back or you could have it deleted. Just a thought, hope you're ok xx

Thank you for my hugs.

It’s not this thread, I just made several really rubbish choices last night and am now paying the consequences of poor decisions.

I’ll be back tomorrow to keep answering.

Sleep tight everybody.

Just wanted to send you a hug OP. I hope your situation turns round soon and you are able to start a family and find happiness xx

You are so incredibly brave. I hope tomorrow is a better day

Thank you for answering these questions. I hope today goes well.

What do you wish you had known earlier about DID?