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AMA
Original poster

I had an affair with a married man when I was 19. Ask me anything.

115 replies

CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 15:40

Jumping on the band wagon.

I see lots of threads on here about OWs and affairs but I don't want to wade in. So, here I am - ask me anything.

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 04/07/2018 15:41

Have you grown up yet?

purpleviolets · 04/07/2018 15:41

How old are you now?

DesertSky · 04/07/2018 15:42

Truly, who cares.

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 15:43

Have you grown up yet?

Yes. I'm married. I regret what I did.

How old are you now

I'm 30.

OP posts:
ReasonableLlama · 04/07/2018 15:49

Did the wife ever find out? Are they still together?

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 15:56

Did the wife ever find out? Are they still together?

Yes, the wife found out. She kicked him out of the house for a while but they got back together.

I broke up with him in the intervening time.

From what I can tell they're still together but that's just what I can gather from FB stalking as I haven't been in touch for years.

OP posts:
Flyawaypeterflyawaypaul · 04/07/2018 15:57

Proud of it?

jumblefun2 · 04/07/2018 15:58

Why do you still stalk him/her on FB?

PianoThirty · 04/07/2018 16:01

Did he tell you he was married from the start, or did you only find out later?

What was his cover story (i.e. what did he tell his wife he was doing when he was actually with you)?

Did he tell you he would leave his wife for you, or did you always know it was just a bit of fun on the side?

How much older was he?

waterlego6064 · 04/07/2018 16:04

Were you a mature or immature 19 year-old? Would you say there was a power imbalance in the relationship?

GorgeousJaws · 04/07/2018 16:05

What wisdom could you possibly impart? I'd be ashamed personally, but there you are.

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:12

Proud of it?
No

Why do you still stalk him/her on FB?
Same reason anyone stalks their ex on FB- just to be nosy.

Did he tell you he was married from the start, or did you only find out later?
I knew he was married from the start

What was his cover story (i.e. what did he tell his wife he was doing when he was actually with you)?
He used to work shifts whereas she worked 9-5 so we'd meet up when he had an afternoon off. A couple of times, he told her he was out/away with work.

Did he tell you he would leave his wife for you, or did you always know it was just a bit of fun on the side?
He said he'd have loved to leave his wife but I was clear I didn't want any of that. It was just a bit of fun for me. I very much doubt he'd have ever actually left his wife for me even if I wanted that.

How much older was he?
He was 38, I was 19.

Were you a mature or immature 19 year-old?
I'd say I was actually quite mature. I had a job, I paid rent, I was saving for a house. I'd been in a relationship from 16-18 and I felt stifled. When that ended, I wanted to go out and have fun and this affair was part of that.

Would you say there was a power imbalance in the relationship?
Yes but I think it was in my favour.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:14

What wisdom could you possibly impart? I'd be ashamed personally, but there you are
Same as anyone on these AMA threads I guess. I regret doing it because of the hurt his wife suffered but I'm not "ashamed" as such.

OP posts:
firehousedog · 04/07/2018 16:17

How would you react if you found out a husband of a close friend was having an affair?

cricketmum84 · 04/07/2018 16:19

Serious question, not bitchy - how would you feel if you found out your husband was having an affair with a 19 year old?

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:20

How would you react if you found out a husband of a close friend was having an affair?
That's a really good question. I don't know, I guess it would depend on the circumstances but I think I would tell my friend about what I knew and let her deal with it in her own way while being there to support her if/when she needed it.

OP posts:
SandysMam · 04/07/2018 16:21

Works shifts eh? I bet he was a policeman!

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:22

Serious question, not bitchy - how would you feel if you found out your husband was having an affair with a 19 year old?
I would be completely gutted. I would be completely hurt and appalled. I hope I'd have the strength to divorce him but I don't think anyone can know what they'd do in such a horrible situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:23

Works shifts eh? I bet he was a policeman!
No, he wasn't

OP posts:
Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:24

Serious question, not bitchy - how would you feel if you found out your husband was having an affair with a 19 year old?
I should add, I would hope that I wouldn't blame the 19-year old woman. I believe the blame would lie squarely, 100% with my DH but I know that perspective isn't shared hugely on MN.

OP posts:
TequilaLlama · 04/07/2018 16:25

Do you think it was an abusive relationship in that he was taking advantage of you by reason of his seniority and maturity?

If you answer no, do you think the power abuse situation is just something that you don't want to or can't face up to?

How long did it last and how did it end?

TracyBeakerSoYeah · 04/07/2018 16:29

Who made a play for who & why didn't you think this is a married man so he is off limits?

BlancheM · 04/07/2018 16:33

Can't you see that he took advantage?

Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:35

Do you think it was an abusive relationship in that he was taking advantage of you by reason of his seniority and maturity?
No.

If you answer no, do you think the power abuse situation is just something that you don't want to or can't face up to?
No, I genuinely don't think it was abusive. I pursued him and I was in control the whole way through. I never did anything I didn't 100% want to do. He knew I could destroy his life in an instant which is where I got the control from.
Now I'm older, I do think "hmmm" and if I knew about a similar situation happening now I'd probably think "abuse" but at the time it genuinely didn't feel like that. Actually, my relationship that I had from 16-18 was probably more "abusive" that this one.

How long did it last and how did it end?
It lasted about six months. It ended a bit strangely - kind of two pronged break up.
His wife found out and kicked him out of the house. While he was staying at his parents he began to talk about not going back and about a life that we might have together. I was clear that while he could do what he liked in terms of going back/not going back, there was no future life for us. I suggested we took a breather, let the dust settle (i.e. him decide to leave permanently or not) and then we could see where we were and he agreed. So it hadn't ended but it was on the back-burner.
Meanwhile, I met a woman in a nightclub (that's a whole thread in itself!) and she told me her mate had dropped out of their trip across Europe which might then turn into a trip across Asia. I said I'd take her place and she agreed. Next day, we got everything sorted so I called the guy and told him I was off for three (possibly six) months and it was probably best we call it a day. A week later, I was on a train to France Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
CanYouFeelTheForce · 04/07/2018 16:37

Who made a play for who & why didn't you think this is a married man so he is off limits?
I made a play for him. I didn't see married men as being off-limits to be honest. I thought (and still think) it was up to the man to put himself off-limits by saying "no".

OP posts: