Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
30 days only
Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/10/2026 22:45

To me the person who’s done the cooking should also sit at the top

User58291 · 22/10/2026 22:46

I think you did the right thing. Why don't you sit at one end, DH at the other and your DCs between you?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 22/10/2026 22:47

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

You’re insane.

seahorsessky · 22/10/2026 22:49

I don't see why either end is necessarily the head? It makes sense to sit the people who are going to be coming in and out nearest to the door/closest to the kitchen, in most cases. But I'd also think about any disabilities/if someone needed to be able to get out quickly, say SIL with morning sickness.
As for sexism, it surely depends more on how you deal with equality in everyday life? Most women I know chose to wear a white dress for weddings, which has sexist connotations, but if you make it clear to kids that it's ok to follow some traditions just for fun, and what matters is how you treat people on a regularly basis, it's no more serious than pulling a wishbone.

Everydayimhuffling · 22/10/2026 22:51

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

This genuinely made me laugh out loud. I can't imagine being such a horny fucker that where a man sat at the table could get me going! You need more in your life, my friend!

Treehorns · 22/10/2026 22:53

Yanbu.
It is your house and she can do this in her own house.
I think she was rude to do it.
I certainly wouldn't be moving chairs in someone else's house.

FunPartyIdeas · 22/10/2026 22:55

Eurgh - really not a fan of the "hierarchical" table. I don't like them at weddings either tbh!
I'd have sat myself at the head of the table with a paper crown on, just to prove a point 👑

SoVeryVeryBored · 22/10/2026 23:05

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:26

So, if you are genuinely interested, my friend/frenemy always does her weekly shop from Tesco on a Friday morning, and says that’s the best day so everything is fresh and ready for her husband and children at the start of the weekend. My day varies more, but she still turned her nose up at me going in a Thursday, which is only 1 day before hers! She also questions why I garden so much as my husband should be doing that, which I object to as gardening is integrative to homemaking, a really important part of our home to me…we regularly debate these things.

Show quote history

If you had a job and a life, rather than being a Stepford wife, you’d both have interesting things to ‘debate’.

Dollymylove · 22/10/2026 23:19

Its just a chair at a table. No need to get uptight about it.
Some people must have way too much time on their hands 🤣

thebabessavedme · 22/10/2026 23:21

We live in a very nice apartment with a dining table that seats 10 - the men in my family are all 'viking size' so, leg room is the main consideration, including the comfort of the smaller women and children.

we just work it out according to space avaliable. I do the cooking, I get a chair near the kitchen, all the long legs get some space and if anyone gets in the way they do the clearing up.

Bedlingtonwarrior · 22/10/2026 23:29

Unbelievable.
The head of the table can be N.E.S or West.
How you know which is head??

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 23:31

Bedlingtonwarrior · 22/10/2026 23:29

Unbelievable.
The head of the table can be N.E.S or West.
How you know which is head??

The MIL said it was the head of the table

MaIeficent · 22/10/2026 23:34

Why don't you just give him a side to himself?

Bedlingtonwarrior · 22/10/2026 23:34

And the head of the table is where ??
Semantics.......

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 23:53

Dollymylove · 22/10/2026 22:25

As a kid we were a family of six. We all had our own places that we sat at every day. Dad at one end, mum at the other and us kids on each side. Nobody thought it was weird.
I think the head of the table was from the days when the father was the breadwinner and yes he did probably did have the best slice of meat because he had probably been toiling all day in some shitty job to provide for his family

yes he did probably did have the best slice of meat because he had probably been toiling all day in some shitty job to provide for his family

Unlike the woman who had doubtless had her feet up all day with a box of chocolates and several glasses of fine wine...?

HaveANiceFuckingDay · 22/10/2026 23:54

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

^ this ^

Comtesse · 23/10/2026 00:14

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

Show quote history

R U ok hun?

wfhinpjs · 23/10/2026 02:03

The head of the table is only used when there’s no space along the sides and anyone can sit there.

Maybe she was just pulling your leg knowing she had to put someone there?

wfhinpjs · 23/10/2026 02:07

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

Show quote history

What has all this got to do with the OP and sitting the H at the head of the table?

Stompythedinosaur · 23/10/2026 02:46

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:21

I’m not joking. I would divorce my husband if he didn’t take me out on dates. I’m stunned at how many mums on the school run let their children dominate weekends and never have any alone time with their husbands, and I say that as a passionate SAHM, but husbands and wives need dates and alone time too! So many women really neglect their husbands these days. It’s not good.

Show quote history

Ok, well, that's quite different to my life. My dp and I aren't married by choice, and we're equal partners in everything. We spend plenty of time together, but twenty years into our relationship I can't say that "being wooed" is high on my list of priorities. It all seems a bit performative to me.

Our relationship seems to have survived fine, so it's possible your theory about dates and wooing being essential might not be correct in all cases.

It sounds like maybe your relationship isn't so stable if you'd jump to divorce so easily? Though, I would definitely end a relationship with anyone who wanted me to serve them their meal and sit them in a special situation to bolster their ego, so perhaps it isn't unreasonable.

Tamtim · 23/10/2026 03:30

Our youngest sits at the head of our table. She’s a girl so I’m all for it. MIL should have listened and DH should stop being so wet.

geoger · 23/10/2026 03:40

Surely both ends of a rectangular table are the ‘head of the table’?
Our kitchen table seats 6, as a family of 4 we sit in twos opposite each other. Our dining table seats 10 and when we host DH and I usually sit at the ends so we’re both ‘head of the table’ I suppose
OP maybe MIL was moving the chairs to also make more space? 3 chairs next to each on each side of the table is not as spacious as moving 2 of the chairs to either end?

Wallywobbles · 23/10/2026 03:52

I sit at the head of the table on principle if we are an odd number or just the 2 of us because my step mum thought men should.
At 90 she’s just starting to get with the equality of the sexes.

FriendlyMedusa · 23/10/2026 03:54

My father does this and it drives me insane.

People say it's no big deal but I've set a table for 4 people and had him move everything to one end when I wasn't looking because he thinks he should be the head. He also insists on having a special sharp knife to cut his dinner with that nobody else gets, has never cooked a meal in his life, and insists he is first served with gravy and wine and so on. It's repulsive behaviour, to me.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 23/10/2026 03:59

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:54

She would put a bloody crown on him if she could.

Show quote history

Well done for being assertive re this sexist crap... It's all thése small things that make girls think men are inherently superior in some way!

Swipe left for the next trending thread