Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

You’re underthinking. Mil isn’t putting him there to do anything useful. She’s putting him there to symbolize his ownership of and control over the household, though I’m sure she wouldn’t say that out loud.

Also the old one of a man publicly taking the blame when a woman farts loudly, 'to spare her embarrassment'.

The head of table stuff is anachronistic, like men getting up at the table when a lady gets up or when she enters a room. Or men opening doors for ladies. Very Downton but not exactly a hanging offense.

And that’s fine. But moving chair and place setting just so he can be head of the table as he is the man and for no other reason is not good

Definitely overthinking it!

My husband sits there to stop the kids fighting 🤣🤣

Is all this driven mainly by handmaidens wanting to find a token way to make women subservient to men, or is it pathetic misogynistic men who expect or feel flattered by it... or both?

I can't imagine anybody older than about 6 or 7 remotely caring about being given a chair/place that's just the same as all of the others but which is nominally dubbed as 'the special one for a special boy/girl'.

Same as @accidentalmillionaire my MIL came to visit and I was just about start plating up the dinner when she said” serve the man of the house first”(her son my XH).

I remember replying to her”in this house children are served first then guests and the man of the house can wait his turn”.

She was shocked by my non-compliance but that’s the way she was brought up and she (probably like million others)never questioned it.

It’s not an issue unless it is designated the head of the table, but in this instance MIL made a show of the man being the head of the table by calling it that and moving his seat and place setting. If your DH hasn’t declared that he is head of the table and you have to do everything food (and household chore) related then it isn’t an issue

It’s your MIL who's the issue here , not so much the outdated tradition where men were sat at the head of the table .
You told her why you didn’t seat him there , your table is a rectangle with 3 chairs on each side but she chose to specifically move one chair and set him a place there .
In our house ( I have 3 daughters) we sit wherever is comfortable for us .
Eg I’m small and don’t have much padding on my derrière so I do prefer one particular seat.
DH has long legs so needs to sit wherever the table isn’t going to knock his legs and ankles ( we are considering getting a new dining set for our kitchen dining so need to take this into consideration )
Also I think whoever is getting up and down from their chair the most , for whatever reason ( checking on food cooking, getting extra portions ) needs to eg the one who has the seat that’s easier to move from and access the cooker etc

Perhaps suggest that your MIL sits at the "head" of the table as she is the guest. I have just realised that DH sits at one of the short ends of our long rectangular table when it is just the 2 of us....I sit to his left at one end of one of the longer sides - I have just realised he is at the "head" of the table - really it is of no issue.

No point being offended, I'd let it go, and just enforce on my girls, that they are valued and just as important, but as for the table thing, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

Omg, that's not insulting MIL, it's just explaining. It was very cheeky and rude of her MIL to overrule her in her own house. I'm presuming that culturally this is an English household where we are supposed to have sexual equality, though I'm aware of many other cultures where woman are considered subservient.

So she actually moved the place setting / chair as per your diagram, yeah that’s weird, I would have moved it straight back, purely because the symmetry would be all wrong in my head haha!

I couldn’t care less where anyone sat at my table (except for the stupid symmetry thing). When we have lots of family round I tend to be the last one seated because of bringing food in from the kitchen. I am often left a seat at the head of the table just because it’s nearer to the doorway.

Apparently I was trying to mangle my cardigan. Unfortunately was wearing it at the time

My Mum always used to give the 2 men turkey leg and the women turkey breast. It used to bug me and one year I mentioned it angrily. The following year she spent hours looking for a 3 legged turkey.

It's one of those traditions I wouldn't overthink as you won't be carrying them on forward. As modern working women we don't need to get into a heated debate, just let it go. My Dad sat at the head of the table and my Mum the other end/still a 'head of the table' simply for more room. Purely space orientated, nothing sexist or offensive.

The mil was rearranging chairs. She should not be doing that.
Also why should it be ok for OP to offended in her own home but not tell someone when they are over stepping?

I don’t really understand this either. I get it’s someone sitting at the short side of a rectangular table but what makes it the head rather than the foot?

Also, thinking about it, in our house that’s the worst seat because the short side will often have people moving behind it, bumping into it etc.

I was aware that this was a thing. I always thought the cook sat at the head of the table (how it worked when we grew up, at PiL's house and here, although now there's just 2 of us, its a small round table so n/a).

Sorry you lost your dad in such a terrible way. No wonder you like the idea now of being looked after a bit, and of course you have every right to advise your children on marriage or anything else as you see fit. I can totally relate to lots of what you've said, and fwiw I agree with you about divorce - mostly best avoided, in my view, once there are kids.

I think people are taking issue with your earlier posts, about the 1950s being great, 1950s housewives being stunning I think you said? (I think maybe people found the generalisation indicated a bit of rose tinting), and being sexually attracted to a man for his ability to "lead and command attention." But obviously your own husband isn't particularly like that, given he "supports whatever you decide to do," so your private sexual fantasies aren't necessarily having a major impact on your autonomy in your day to day life, which would be the concern I think. I do think you're romanticising a set up that makes women very vulnerable, and that your own set up is far further removed from this than you realise: You're advocating for something you haven't experienced.

I'm truly glad you seem to have found a supportive, stable family to marry in to, and that your husband is able to support you to stay at home, but some of your posts are misleading about the reality of being married to a controlling man who "knows how to lead" - this isn't your reality at all. In my experience, these can be very dangerous men, and the women they marry have very difficult lives, whatever the balance of financial/ domestic contributions.

You do what feels right in your own home. At our house, DSS somehow has found himself at the head of the table 😂 But that’s because DH and I like to sit opposite one another when we eat, nothing more than that really 🤷‍♀️

It's very Stepford and a bit creepy tbh

And if the exalted Husband can't be doing with children interfering with his life and wants them in Nursery fulltime from birth, looked after by an Au Pair evenings, nights and weekend from age 4 then shipped off to boarding school from age 7?

OK. So I married a man who wasn't physically violent as such (mostly). But... emotionally and financially he absolutely was. I was given curfews (if I was out past a specific time doors to the marital home would be locked), I wasn't allowed to see my friends and family (my mum wasn't welcome in the home), I couldn't make any decisions at all without having "permission", and I was put down constantly both in private and in public. Even got to the point where I was tracked without consent. Just the very tip of the iceberg.
What would your adivce be in that scenario?

Plenty of men are ‘good enough’ husbands, but women find fault with everything these days, usually women who have no idea what a shit husband is actually like!