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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:46

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

YANBU but not very smart to tell her it was your house. Too confrontational. Absolutely right to move the place setting. But you could simply have said it was sexist and outdated to put DH at head.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

ByTipsyShark · 22/10/2026 21:27

Your life sounds really interesting

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The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

🤢🤮

.

bigboykitty · 22/10/2026 21:48

It's a ridiculously outdated way of going about things. I'm with you. It's embarrassing and MIL shouldn't be doing this in your home.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

NeverDropYourMooncup · 22/10/2026 21:34

The only men I've ever known that went on about being at the Head of the Table or being the Head of the Family were useless fucking dickheads. I suppose they were attached to the idea because they were so inadequate by their own measures in everything else.

This. ^ It's all a bit Handmaids Tale isn't it?

If my DH said he wants to sit at the head of the table, I would piss myself laughing and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is! 😆

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:50

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:48

This. ^ It's all a bit Handmaids Tale isn't it?

If my DH said he wants to sit at the head of the table, I would piss myself laughing and ask him who the fuck he thinks he is! 😆

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Yeah, he’ll definitely leave soon with that level of disrespect and foul language 🤮

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:50

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:46

The beauty of homemaking is you can focus on the parts that interest you more. So my friend is definitely the better cook, and puts a lot of effort into that. Her family are very lucky, I would love to eat her dinners. However, I am more interested in home organisation (Stacey Solomon, Dilly Carter and Mrs Hinch are exceptional modern day inspirations who are much revered by traditional housewives), and love cleaning, organising and decluttering every inch of our home. You can also build in time to pursue your own hobbies and interests, which are personal to each housewife.

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@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Arrgh please don't type complimentary when you mean complementary. It's irritating. People in the 50s knew the difference.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:50

Yeah, he’ll definitely leave soon with that level of disrespect and foul language 🤮

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Well he's been with me over 35 years darling, and he knows which side his bread is buttered. He ain't going ANYwhere. He is also not a sexist dickhead, who thinks women are beneath him, and would never insist on sitting at the head of the table.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:50

@SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal Arrgh please don't type complimentary when you mean complementary. It's irritating. People in the 50s knew the difference.

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😆

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 21:53

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:46

YANBU but not very smart to tell her it was your house. Too confrontational. Absolutely right to move the place setting. But you could simply have said it was sexist and outdated to put DH at head.

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I said ‘you are welcome to do that in your house, but not here ‘, I can’t think of a more polite way to say that tbh. If I had said it was sexist, she would have taken greater offence I’m sure of it.

I wanted to make sure it was clear the first time so it didn’t have to be brought up again.

OP posts:
Deadringer · 22/10/2026 21:53

If my mil did that i would just laugh. We don't have a head of the table seat, its such an out dated concept. Our table seats 6, 2 seats on each side, and a seat at each end. None of them are the head of the table unless you make it it so. My dh and i sit on the outside, the two smallest/youngest sit on the inside, ds sits at one end and dd at the other.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 21:52

😆

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Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:56

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 21:53

I said ‘you are welcome to do that in your house, but not here ‘, I can’t think of a more polite way to say that tbh. If I had said it was sexist, she would have taken greater offence I’m sure of it.

I wanted to make sure it was clear the first time so it didn’t have to be brought up again.

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Reminding someone they're in your home is unwelcoming. If you didn't want to mention sexism, you could simply have moved it back and said you preferred it that way.

Idontpostmuch · 22/10/2026 21:58

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

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But you don't know that it should be sitting, not sat. Tbh you were funny to begin with but you're stretching the joke too far now.

Awkwardisfunny · 22/10/2026 22:02

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

It's always okay to enforce your rules in your home. It's weird af to dictate anything to someone in their own house. She should have piped down as soon as you stated your preference.

It is definitely outdated and sexist to assume the man is the head of the house. We create children together. We're two sides of the same coin. When are we going to realise we are supposed to be co-heads. Co-governing and working together. Not constantly working against each other.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:08

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 21:56

Ha, I know the difference thanks, unfortunately typos are common on iPhones, would definitely prefer a time before them!

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A poor tradesman always blames the tools ... 😆

lottiegarbanzo · 22/10/2026 22:08

How are your table settings personalised? Surely he could just sit in another seat?

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 22:14

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:08

A poor tradesman always blames the tools ... 😆

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At least I don’t rely on bad language to get my point across 😂

AnneShirleyBlythe · 22/10/2026 22:17

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

Sexist wallpaper! Love it! Describes everyday sexism so well.

PrettyLittleRose · 22/10/2026 22:18

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 22:14

At least I don’t rely on bad language to get my point across 😂

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And.......?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 22:20

Thanks everyone for your comments so far, it’s been really interesting to hear how peoples views differ. I have no issue with what people do in their own home, each to their own. The world would be a boring place if we all thought the same. MIL seems fine again now, no harm done and hopefully I have made myself clear enough to not see a repeat of this in the future.

OP posts:
Dollymylove · 22/10/2026 22:25

As a kid we were a family of six. We all had our own places that we sat at every day. Dad at one end, mum at the other and us kids on each side. Nobody thought it was weird.
I think the head of the table was from the days when the father was the breadwinner and yes he did probably did have the best slice of meat because he had probably been toiling all day in some shitty job to provide for his family

lottiegarbanzo · 22/10/2026 22:39

Oh I see. Well interfering in your household like that is so rude.

SylvanMoon · 22/10/2026 22:39

How do you determine which place setting is the "head" of the table???? And does sitting there confer some extra privileges?

Pinkissmart · 22/10/2026 22:43

Hate it too, but I’m confused- is his plate different? Wouldn’t he just sit where he normally does?

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