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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
BigBadPotato · 22/10/2026 19:44

I guess I get it for day to day but you made a right meal (har har) of this by going on like you did to his mother on a visit. It wasn’t worth it, imo.

Mumtotornadoes · 22/10/2026 19:44

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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Yeah I think she's out of order there. It's not just choosing to give him a specific seat, it's moving the seats to put him in some kind of "higher" position.

Does she have enough sense of humour that you can all start acting like 1950s housewives and ask him for permission for everything and giving him all the meat and calling him sir and just absolutely mocking the shit out of it?

PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:48

Obligatory diagram, for those who are asking what the head of the table means. Sorry for the crappy drawing.

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?
OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:49

The drawing is under review but will show shortly. Nothing to get excited about though, I draw like a 3 year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:52

BigBadPotato · 22/10/2026 19:44

I guess I get it for day to day but you made a right meal (har har) of this by going on like you did to his mother on a visit. It wasn’t worth it, imo.

I didn’t go on about it, just said we don’t do that here and moved the setting. I am not someone who conforms just so I don’t offend someone. DH said he liked that about me, lol. Bet he regrets saying that now.

OP posts:
Justusethebloodyphone · 22/10/2026 19:52

PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Exactly the same in our house! 15 year old baby at the head of the table.

my own mum would also automatically put DH at the head of the table if she didn’t know better than to try that in my house.

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:52

Yes its the end of the table

(good drawing by the way, nice and neat)

Its not like she's sitting him on a raised dais or anything

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:52

I didn’t go on about it, just said we don’t do that here and moved the setting. I am not someone who conforms just so I don’t offend someone. DH said he liked that about me, lol. Bet he regrets saying that now.

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That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:54

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:52

Yes its the end of the table

(good drawing by the way, nice and neat)

Its not like she's sitting him on a raised dais or anything

She would put a bloody crown on him if she could.

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 22/10/2026 19:54

PoliteSquid · 22/10/2026 19:46

In our house the end of the table is where the baby sat - more room for a high chair! DD is our last baby and still sits there aged 14 🤣

Not something I’d get offended about really!

Same here, with a parent sitting on each side of them so they can equally help. Youngest is 7.
I wouldn't be offended over it but to me it makes no sense to put the tallest member at the head of the table, it impedes the table space and everyone's leg room, surely?

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 19:55

When my family come for dinner, I always sit at the head of the table. It’s more about being closer to the action end of the kitchen than anything else. No man in my family ever sits at the head of the table.

Justusethebloodyphone · 22/10/2026 19:55

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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Well that’s just weird anyway as she left the table all unbalanced just to elevate the man. Ugh.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:55

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:53

That’s not all you said. You insulted her by saying she can do it in her own house but not at yours, like she was doing something bad.

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Yes sorry I did say that, but I don’t see that as offensive, everyone had their own rules and boundaries.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:55

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:55

Yes sorry I did say that, but I don’t see that as offensive, everyone had their own rules and boundaries.

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Then why is it ‘awkward as fuck’ if you didn’t offend her?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:56

Booomerrranger · 22/10/2026 19:55

When my family come for dinner, I always sit at the head of the table. It’s more about being closer to the action end of the kitchen than anything else. No man in my family ever sits at the head of the table.

So by this logic, no man in your family ever cooks? Very modern.

Timeforachange26 · 22/10/2026 19:57

It's really not a big deal

Actually the last time I remember anyone sitting at the headboard the table was my DD when she was 9 months pregnant as she was in and outdoors the loo plenty and it gave her room

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:55

Then why is it ‘awkward as fuck’ if you didn’t offend her?

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It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

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SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:01

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

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So you did insult her. Even if you think you are right, it was a fuss about nothing and she ended up feeling offended. In my home we don’t offend guests over minor details, your husband was right.

SpecialShark · 22/10/2026 20:01

I would always seat my husband at the head of the table, just like I always give him the best and biggest portion of the meals I serve. So far nothing bad has happened.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:01

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

I honestly can’t work out if you are taking the piss? I can open a door!

OP posts:
sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:02

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

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It’s traditionally where the head of the household sits, so the man in a sexist house

Coconutter24 · 22/10/2026 20:04

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:58

It offended her I think. I think she thinks I undermined her. Well I did I suppose, but I feel I have every right to set the rules in my own home.

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YABU to have a rule that your DH can’t sit in a particular spot even if he wants to.

Rosie8880 · 22/10/2026 20:04

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

Sometimes there is cause for letting things slide esp with MIL… but I do feel there are boundaries too. Especially in front of kids. It isn’t just about a place setting - it is what it represents too and I do feel it that’s at odds with your values which you have shared I do feel it’s reasonable to hold your ground, gently as you have.