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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 22/10/2026 19:20

You’re overthinking it

Shoobadadoo · 22/10/2026 19:20

I bloody hate that. Horribly sexist

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:24

Stupid hill to die on. If your DH is sexist then that’s one thing, if he’s just sitting in a seat that happens to also follow a tradition then it’s not worth making a fuss over is it. Some people love finding problems where there are none.

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 22/10/2026 19:26

I do love a round table

Widow90210 · 22/10/2026 19:27

You dont like it, you told him and he respected that.
MIL didnt agree, when you explained you didnt do that in your home she ignored you and did it anyway and its awkward because you then removed it.

No youre not being unreasonable. You are always allowed to maintain your boundaries in your own home.

Its awkward because she ignored when you corrected her and tried to belittle you in your own home and DH is likely bothered because you sucking it up is easier for him than his mother being put in her place for overstepping.

Not on you.

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:30

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 22/10/2026 19:26

I do love a round table

This made me giggle, thankyou

OP posts:
BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 19:30

I'm curious, do you all have your own individual place settings or little name cards?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:31

We have 3 daughters in the house. I don’t die on many hills and am a reasonably calm person, but this really annoyed me. Especially as I had made my feelings clear and she ignored me.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:31

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 19:28

It's sexist wallpaper, a habit that subtly encourages your dc to internalise that men are superior.

You're right to stop it, I would too!

Him sitting there on occasion would do no such thing. His mum setting his place there once is harmless, someone must sit at the end of the table, it’s weirder if it’s never allowed to be him on principle

MrsClatterbuck · 22/10/2026 19:33

Reminds me of the time dh and I along with 2 other couples were invited to new friends for an evening meal. The wives were instructed by the wife of this couple to plate their husbands meal and serve them. I did it as a politeness but was a bit annoyed at the sexism. Dh is perfectly capable of plating his own meal.
Also at my first wedding of one of dh's family my place card said Mrs dh's Christian name followed by our surname. That also annoyed me.

Maybe get a new table like a round one like we had growing up where everyone is the same.
When my parents came for Christmas we sat two on one side and two on the other.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:33

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:31

We have 3 daughters in the house. I don’t die on many hills and am a reasonably calm person, but this really annoyed me. Especially as I had made my feelings clear and she ignored me.

So everyone is allowed to sit there except him?

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:33

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 19:30

I'm curious, do you all have your own individual place settings or little name cards?

Not really, we just tend to sit anywhere. Depends what child emerges from upstairs first.

OP posts:
Vitrolinsanity · 22/10/2026 19:34

DewDropsAndCobWebs · 22/10/2026 19:26

I do love a round table

Nailed the problem and solved it. I’ll go a step further and say drop leaf table that’s a rectangle when out of use and a circle or semi as needed.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:34

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:33

So everyone is allowed to sit there except him?

Show quote history

No, no one sits at the ‘head’ of the table. We sit next to each other or opposite each other.

OP posts:
TheSmallAssassin · 22/10/2026 19:35

If anyone should feel awkward it's your MiL, not you. I think you did the right thing.

Love the term "sexist wallpaper" @Stompythedinosaur !

Vitrolinsanity · 22/10/2026 19:35

Alternatively, as I did, divorce DH and sit there myself. Or not if I wasn’t fast enough.

accidentalmillionaire · 22/10/2026 19:37

My MiL and FiL were strictly man-at-head-of-table people, and compounded it by always serving FiL first, and the best slices of meat. Weird.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:38

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:34

No, no one sits at the ‘head’ of the table. We sit next to each other or opposite each other.

Show quote history

So he’s allowed to sit at one end of someone else sits at the other end? Are your daughters allowed to sit at the end?

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

Fidgety31 · 22/10/2026 19:20

You’re overthinking it

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

NimbleTaupeTiger · 22/10/2026 19:38

I tend to sit at the head of our table when we have guests because it's closest to the kitchen. DH sits at the other end. If it's just two of us we sit on opposite sides. It's done for expediency that's all.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:38

This.

What is the head of the table anyway?

Show quote history

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

OP posts:
InterestedDad37 · 22/10/2026 19:40

As an automatic assumption, it has no place* in modern society.

*ooh, that's kind of a pun 😀

likelysuspect · 22/10/2026 19:40

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

Show quote history

So the end of the table. Whats the issue.

NewGoldFox · 22/10/2026 19:41

Think you’ve done the right thing standing up for yourself early doors.

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