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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 22/10/2026 20:16

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:13

But why did she need to put him there. There were seats in the sides of the table that fitted everyone and in fact no seat at the end

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That’s just weird - unless the table is absolutely massive! If people sit 3 each side, the person in the middle is squashed between people on each side. For 6 people, I would set the table with one person at each end and two on either side. Plenty of elbow room for everyone then!

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:17

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:13

I don't personally get aroused over any man believing he's superior to me. I find a lack of critical thinking skills incredibly unattractive.

Also, surely even if this is your bag, you want a man to actually act in a protective or commanding way? Not just cosplay a dominant man by sitting on a special seat? It has real "five year old" vibes that any man would want to!

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When was the last time your husband took you out? A husband needs to understand how to date and woo his wife.

Ponderingwindow · 22/10/2026 20:17

we sit on the sides and only use the ends if needed. The hosts would typically go to the ends of the table, not guests. Sometimes seating the hosts at the end isn’t practical so it gets shifted. Sometimes it’s a baby that makes the most sense.

so no, we don’t subscribe to man at the head of the table.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:17

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:15

So how would you have explained it to the daughters, when I assume there is probably less space for the person sitting at right angles to them and an empty space opposite that person?

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Explained what? Do you really think the daughters would have needed explanation for a chair moving round the table? OP could have explained it’s an outdated tradition that they don’t follow as times have changed, but ultimately it’s just a chair round a table so it’s not worth insulting grandma over.

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 20:18

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:13

But why did she need to put him there. There were seats in the sides of the table that fitted everyone and in fact no seat at the end

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Maybe she assumed he would manspread, so he'd get in the way less if there's nobody sitting next to him?!

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:18

MrsClatterbuck · 22/10/2026 19:33

Reminds me of the time dh and I along with 2 other couples were invited to new friends for an evening meal. The wives were instructed by the wife of this couple to plate their husbands meal and serve them. I did it as a politeness but was a bit annoyed at the sexism. Dh is perfectly capable of plating his own meal.
Also at my first wedding of one of dh's family my place card said Mrs dh's Christian name followed by our surname. That also annoyed me.

Maybe get a new table like a round one like we had growing up where everyone is the same.
When my parents came for Christmas we sat two on one side and two on the other.

The wives were instructed to plate their husbands meal and to serve them!!

I'd have pissed myself laughing. It would be the last time I socialised with them

cuckoolodger · 22/10/2026 20:18

When I do the Xmas/Easter dinner every year at my daughter’s house I put myself at the head of the table because I cooked the meal. Whoever is doing the dishes can sit at the other end. I can’t abide men thinking they are entitled to the seat because they own the oldest penis in the house.

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:19

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 20:15

So the head of the table is where a man sits; ergo wherever a man sits becomes the head of the table? Does that mean then that he couldn't possibly not sit at the head of the table unless 'identifying' as not a man?

Unless you're in McDonald's and you insist on sitting in the throne in the kiddies' area (do they still have those?), is it not just the end of the table? Most family households will only have a table that seats 4 or 6 anyway, so it's not like it's somehow special, is it? If it only seats 4, then every seat is the head/end/side. I'd understand if you were at Buckingham Palace and on a massively long table with 50 seats either side and then Charles at the top on a golden banquette; but a standard household table?

Also, if we're assuming a 6-seater table - two seats along each side and one at each end - doesn't that basically mean that there are two 'heads of the table'? Or do you have to do something to the other end to deliberately make it noticeably inferior as the the 'bottom of the table'? Isn't this just like the old joke about confusing a fool by taking them into a round room and telling them to stand in the corner?!

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OP’s table has 3 seats either side, so no need to have anyone at the ends

And the MIL moved seats and said she was putting OP’s DH at the head of the table. She was very much saying he was the important person in the house

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:19

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:17

When was the last time your husband took you out? A husband needs to understand how to date and woo his wife.

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Ok, I think you're just winding me up! If so, it's actually funny, and a fell for it!

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 20:20

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:33

Not really, we just tend to sit anywhere. Depends what child emerges from upstairs first.

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Then how do you know MIL was 'setting his place' at the head?

Glittarain · 22/10/2026 20:21

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:12

He had likely been working flat out all week providing for his wife, and she likely was an excellent cook who enjoyed it and felt equally proud to provide for her husband through food. Completely up to them, their marriage is their business.

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It wasn't her husband it was my ex. And he hadn't been at work all day. She was in her mind 80s. But he did take his plate in the kitchen never scrapped his plate or put it in the dishwasher. I guess it was to much hard work.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:21

Stompythedinosaur · 22/10/2026 20:19

Ok, I think you're just winding me up! If so, it's actually funny, and a fell for it!

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I’m not joking. I would divorce my husband if he didn’t take me out on dates. I’m stunned at how many mums on the school run let their children dominate weekends and never have any alone time with their husbands, and I say that as a passionate SAHM, but husbands and wives need dates and alone time too! So many women really neglect their husbands these days. It’s not good.

LittlePlotTwist · 22/10/2026 20:22

I wouldn’t deep this at all.

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:23

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

The 1950's called they'd like you to return!

I find a man that treats me as an equal incredibly attractive. An authoritative leader is not needed in my household and would be shot down extremely quickly.

Yes, I'm married - for over 26 years.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:25

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:23

The 1950's called they'd like you to return!

I find a man that treats me as an equal incredibly attractive. An authoritative leader is not needed in my household and would be shot down extremely quickly.

Yes, I'm married - for over 26 years.

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I model myself on 1950s housewives, so thank you for your compliment. They were stunning!

Getmoveon14 · 22/10/2026 20:25

Are you sure that it was an act of chauvinism or could it just be an in-joke that he always wanted to sit at the head of the table? Maybe that's why his mum put him there.

As a child I looked forward to sitting at the head of the table. In my family my mum was at one end and my dad at the other. Now I'm an adult, I've decided that the head of the table spot is rubbish -when you're sitting there it's really hard to reach things in the middle of the table!

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:26

Ohhelpwhatnow · 22/10/2026 20:20

Then how do you know MIL was 'setting his place' at the head?

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Because MiL said she was

BoldnessReborn · 22/10/2026 20:28

It's all coming back to me how growing up in 80s and 90s my dad had a special chair with arms, and it would be placed at the head of the table. It was to show his status as the man of the house. Really at odds with what he would have claimed to believe, and the thought makes me uncomfortable.

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 20:31

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:33

Not really, we just tend to sit anywhere. Depends what child emerges from upstairs first.

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Ah I see. There's enough seating to people without anybody needing to sit at the head of the table - is that right?

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:35

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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that is unnecessary. Did she pull another chair to the other end or was it going to be uneven down the sides?

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:35

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 19:31

Him sitting there on occasion would do no such thing. His mum setting his place there once is harmless, someone must sit at the end of the table, it’s weirder if it’s never allowed to be him on principle

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Letting granny be a bit sexist on occasion is as “harmless” as letting granny be a bit racist or homophobic. Ie not at all harmless and the OP is right to stop it.

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:35

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:25

I model myself on 1950s housewives, so thank you for your compliment. They were stunning!

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Each to their own but don't expect the majority of us to be the same. There's a reason that the rest of us prefer to have our own check books.

1950's housewives were fucking miserable and took tranquillisers to get themselves through the day. I can just imagine telling my grandmother that her time as a housewife and mother was enviable!

1950s housewives were fucking trapped.

The naiveté is bad enough but actually expecting the OP to have similar views is laughable.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:36

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:35

Letting granny be a bit sexist on occasion is as “harmless” as letting granny be a bit racist or homophobic. Ie not at all harmless and the OP is right to stop it.

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This is not comparable to being racist.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:39

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:36

This is not comparable to being racist.

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Why? If she put a white person as head of the table for being white you wouldn’t be arguing to let her get on with it.

Vaguelyclassical · 22/10/2026 20:39

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

Whereas you couldn't possible admire a woman who "knows how to lead and command attention"? And what if the man who happens to be sitting at the head of the table is a cheating abuser; does he still automatically "command a sense and safety and trust"? And how can we send you back to 1865?

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