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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable about being offended when people think men should sit at the head of the table?

311 replies

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:19

I grew up in a family of 4, my mum always sat me next to her, my brother opposite me and my dad opposite her at dinner time.

I grew up and got married, became a blended family of 5. DH started to set his dinner place at the head of the table, I asked why, he couldn’t say.

I told him it made me uncomfortable, that we are not in the 1950’s and that I would prefer he didn’t, so he stopped.

DH mum has now come to visit, she was laying the table and said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, I replied that we don’t do that here, she said I was being over sensitive and scoffed, and continued to set his place at the head of the table, so I moved it and told her she was welcome to do that in her house, but not here.

Now it’s awkward as fuck, and I can’t work out if I’m being a dick or am right to enforce my own rules in my own home. DH says I should have left it.

Was I being unreasonable, bracing myself for your answers?

OP posts:
Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:39

I really don’t mind what people do in their own homes, whatever makes you happy. I assume we all have our own little quirks and preferences and I wouldn’t say anything if we were in MIL’s house if she did this with DH and FIL, it’s her home.

However, I had clearly stayed that we don’t do this in our house, it didnt need to turn into anything more in my opinion. But yes, my DD’s would have noticed, genuinely they would have. I don’t want them growing up thinking their mum let something so sexiest slide just so I didn’t offend, that would have been worse tbh. I want them to know that they don’t have to fade into little wall flowers or conform to something they don’t agree with if it goes against their beliefs.

OP posts:
FunkyFringe · 22/10/2026 20:39

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 19:40

We have a rectangle table that has 3 seats on each side. She pulled a chair to the end (that’s what I mean by head) to set his place.

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But how would your OH know that that was 'his place'? Do you have place settings or cards or something to indicate that?

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:40

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:39

Why? If she put a white person as head of the table for being white you wouldn’t be arguing to let her get on with it.

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This isn’t worth debating, it’s not the same and if you use any rational thinking you can see that. If you can’t see it then I can’t help you.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

BillyDidIt · 22/10/2026 20:31

Ah I see. There's enough seating to people without anybody needing to sit at the head of the table - is that right?

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Yes that’s right, it’s a big table with lots of room around it.

OP posts:
DiscourteousDiana · 22/10/2026 20:40

Tortephant · 22/10/2026 20:05

OP, if this has caused you so much of an issue, and that you can't accept your MIL, your marriage won't be lasting long. Get over yourself, respect different eras and traditions and that you have family around you.

No, fuck that. It was only in our lifetimes that it was once legal for a husband to rape his wife. It was only in our lifetime that pervy fat old bosses in work were able to sexually assault and make disgusting remarks to young female employees. Sexism is rife in the present day and even more recently there is a greater air of menace.

There is no world where my MIL would be allowed to drag a chair to the head of my table for my DH to sit to signify that he is worthier than me and our children. I can’t believe how many women on this thread are defending this and telling you to get over it, let it go, show respect for everyone else but yourself. Fuck that.

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:35

that is unnecessary. Did she pull another chair to the other end or was it going to be uneven down the sides?

Edited
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No, just one for DH

OP posts:
LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:41

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:12

He had likely been working flat out all week providing for his wife, and she likely was an excellent cook who enjoyed it and felt equally proud to provide for her husband through food. Completely up to them, their marriage is their business.

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1950s are that way ➡️
And a fresh coat of lipstick💄
And greet him warmly at the door
On his return home from his days labour.

Mulledjuice · 22/10/2026 20:42

TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:40

No, just one for DH

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ooh that would have irked me.

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 20:42

sittingonabeach · 22/10/2026 20:19

OP’s table has 3 seats either side, so no need to have anyone at the ends

And the MIL moved seats and said she was putting OP’s DH at the head of the table. She was very much saying he was the important person in the house

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OK... but some people are saying that the end is somehow very much the best, so it seems odd for nobody to get to sit in these premium seats?!

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 20:42

MrsClatterbuck · 22/10/2026 19:33

Reminds me of the time dh and I along with 2 other couples were invited to new friends for an evening meal. The wives were instructed by the wife of this couple to plate their husbands meal and serve them. I did it as a politeness but was a bit annoyed at the sexism. Dh is perfectly capable of plating his own meal.
Also at my first wedding of one of dh's family my place card said Mrs dh's Christian name followed by our surname. That also annoyed me.

Maybe get a new table like a round one like we had growing up where everyone is the same.
When my parents came for Christmas we sat two on one side and two on the other.

Wow. This was a dinner party in the 1950s, I'm assuming?

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:43

Bridgertonisbest · 22/10/2026 20:35

Each to their own but don't expect the majority of us to be the same. There's a reason that the rest of us prefer to have our own check books.

1950's housewives were fucking miserable and took tranquillisers to get themselves through the day. I can just imagine telling my grandmother that her time as a housewife and mother was enviable!

1950s housewives were fucking trapped.

The naiveté is bad enough but actually expecting the OP to have similar views is laughable.

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I would much rather live in the 1950s than in this materialistic, selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, anti-family, technology dominated society, that’s for sure!

Original poster
TablePlan26 · 22/10/2026 20:43

FunkyFringe · 22/10/2026 20:39

But how would your OH know that that was 'his place'? Do you have place settings or cards or something to indicate that?

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She said ‘I’ll put DH at the head of the table’, whilst dragging a chair around

OP posts:
JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:44

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:40

This isn’t worth debating, it’s not the same and if you use any rational thinking you can see that. If you can’t see it then I can’t help you.

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I always find it interesting when people choose to go down the “if you don’t know I’m not telling you” route. IME they’re either silly teenagers or adults who have very concrete opinions without serious thought behind them.

BrianAbsoluteWalloper · 22/10/2026 20:44

cuckoolodger · 22/10/2026 20:18

When I do the Xmas/Easter dinner every year at my daughter’s house I put myself at the head of the table because I cooked the meal. Whoever is doing the dishes can sit at the other end. I can’t abide men thinking they are entitled to the seat because they own the oldest penis in the house.

How is that place so much better than anywhere else around the table? Or do you have a luxury chair there that can't be physically moved to any other space?

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/10/2026 20:45

You did the right thing @XMissPlacedX and you don’t need to feel bad because she has been a bit of a tit. She tried to push you in your own house, and found out you don’t bend.

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:45

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:41

1950s are that way ➡️
And a fresh coat of lipstick💄
And greet him warmly at the door
On his return home from his days labour.

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I always have a fresh coat of lipstick on, and both myself and my children greet my husband from work, works beautifully for us 😘

MyAuntieHelenIsOneOfThem · 22/10/2026 20:46

Not in the least unreasonable, but it’s one for a laughing ‘It’s not 1850 any more, Angela — do keep up!’ and seat people where they normally sit, rather than festering.

Puffinsandcoffee · 22/10/2026 20:46

My dad always sat at the "head" of the table, my mum to his right, nearest the cooker, and my older brother to his left.

@XMissPlacedX from your (excellent) diagram it looks to me like your MIL set your husband's place at the "end" of the table. The place at the other end (unoccupied in your diagram) would be the "head", since it has a person immediately on either side.

The point of the head of the table is to have the clearest view of everyone at the table, which makes it easier to be involved in/ control all the conversations, which your husband's position in that diagram wouldn't enable.

Not endorsing this, btw, just describing my understanding of it - the head of the table is definitely a thing, and it definitely does facilitate control, but it's not just about the part of the table - it's about the position relative to everyone else.

No one sits at the head or end of our table in my own family (or, now I think of it, in my brother's family...) Would I care if my MIL decided it mattered? Probably not that much tbh. Definitely not enough to confront or bicker with her about it.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 22/10/2026 20:46

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:44

I always find it interesting when people choose to go down the “if you don’t know I’m not telling you” route. IME they’re either silly teenagers or adults who have very concrete opinions without serious thought behind them.

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Rich coming from you. Enjoy your evening.

JemimaTiggywinkles · 22/10/2026 20:47

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:43

I would much rather live in the 1950s than in this materialistic, selfish, self-centred, self-indulgent, anti-family, technology dominated society, that’s for sure!

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In the 50s where women had no rights? Could be raped by their husbands and had no means to escape even the most serious domestic violence situations? Where children were systematically raped and beaten in institutions (often schools) and racism was completely normal? You’re off your rocker if you think the 50s were better than today.

Notellinganyone · 22/10/2026 20:47

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 19:59

A man sat at the head of the table is incredibly attractive: an authoritative leader of his family commanding a sense of safety and trust. It is incredibly charismatic and sexually attractive, as is a man who understands the importance of opening a door and regularly buying his wife flowers and booking her a table for dinner. I adore a man who knows how to lead and command attention.

Is this a joke?

mondaytosunday · 22/10/2026 20:48

Who does sit at the head? Growing up we had an oval table - there wasn’t a head as such. When we moved and got a rectangular one it was my mother as it was closest to the kitchen. When I married I guess it was my DH as I took the chair closer to the kitchen which was down the long side at our house. He actually did the cooking when we entertained but I did more of the toing and froing. So it was a practical choice each time.

seasidemum83 · 22/10/2026 20:48

sorry pressed the wrong button
not unreasonable. I would have prob set one of kids there or myself and said nothing If I could. I actually tend to take table end if we are out at restaurant - as it’s easier to spoon feed baby at side and watch older ones

LindaJonesJustCantLiveMYLifeNSoul · 22/10/2026 20:48

SayItLikeItIsLetsKeepItReal · 22/10/2026 20:45

I always have a fresh coat of lipstick on, and both myself and my children greet my husband from work, works beautifully for us 😘

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🤣🤣🤣🤣You're 100% at it
10 out of 10 for trying.
Are you like the old irn bru add
Family singing round the piano
I used to be a man.

Tootsurly · 22/10/2026 20:49

I've been watching a documentary about Aberfan, and the way the men from the NCB treated the women from the village is really eye-opening.

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