I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

Who is it you are buying for? We don't buy any gifts for siblings at all.

Everyone choose what they want.

So...nothing is wasted.....nothing goes to charity on Jan 3rd......no one is disappointed. ....no one gets something they don't want/ already have/ is a colour they'll never wear/ wrong size.
How bizarre that you think that's a sad thing to do

I think you need to talk to them in person about this rather than in a group chat.

I don't see why it has to be all or nothing - those who want a Secret Santa can do one amongst themselves, surely? As long as those not in it don't place an expectation of receiving gifts on those who are partaking - because presumably the idea of this is to reduce the number of gifts people have to buy, which is perfectly reasonable - there's no reason why it shouldn't work.

Given that your BIL is very quiet in these discussions, makes me wonder if he really participates on gift buying. Maybe he sits back and lets SIL do it for his family and she is fed up of the effort? Does she do secret Santa with her own family?

I think you're right to stand your ground. Secret Santa is understandable in huge families or for work places, groups of adult friends (where presents might not otherwise be in budget). But not in your family situation as it is at the moment.

Yes, although this can make people feel more awkward and upset than they can tolerate, so someone in real financial difficulty might still choose to do reciprocal presents despite their circumstances rather than feel they aren’t doing their part. Are they in difficult financial circumstances?

I have a similar situation with a family member and we have agreed we won’t do presents for adults. Much as I’d like to buy them something, respecting their situation on this is much more important.

It’s not OP’s ways, it’s how tens of thousands of people do.
SIL is the one wanting to do something out of the norm. It’s SIL who is dictating her way for last 3 years. Why her way is the right way?

We do secret Santa among the adults, but we are also a mixed family (on mine and DH) so not everyone is Christian our grew up celebrating Christmas.

I like it. I only have to buy for one person and can put proper thought and care into the gift. But, the people taking part who grew up with Christmas general break the rules tbh! They’ll do things like, “oh we need stockings!” And produce a whole load more presents 🤦‍♀️

I suspect it means they are short of money and it is ABSOLUTELY SHIT to be the person recieving presents when you struggle to reciprocate. However much people say “Oh darling, it really couldn’t matter less! I just LOVE buying presents!”

It seems from your posts it'd all about you, with no thought about the reasons why at all. You say she doesnt have to buy you a present, but maybe she likes buying presents and being involved in the gift giving just cant aford all the presents. Even token ones. And your 'cut out the middle man and just buy the thing i wamt myself' speaks volumes. Gift buying and recieving is all about you. You say you like to give gifts because it brings YOU joy. But you only want gifts that you WANT. Gift giving to me is about the person recieving. And if i get a gift, i am happy the person cared enough to think of me. I still have the statue of a cat in fishing boots my nana bought me years ago. Even though it's a bit hideous because she bought it me. In glad i dont go to your house for Christmas.

Because the point is that you put things that youd like but wouldnt necessarily buy for yourself, then you get something you want rather than useless tat that someone thinks might make a good present for you, or even worse has just grabbed as part of a 3 for 2. I think if no one else really wants to do it then obviously someone needs to tell SiL firmly but if others do and its just you that doesnt then I think you have to suck it up or not do it but not buy the others presents either. You may say they dont have to buy you presents back but it will gilt them into doing it, they'd probably feel bad receiving and not reciprocating.

I much prefer making a list and having something I want. Nothing miserable about that. It's what we do for birthdays in our family and it's great.

I suspect she doesn't like the gifts she receives and just finds it a tad annoying to then have to deal with them. Unless you know someone really well buying a good gift is quite hard.

I do understand what you mean about buying from an approved list though it is quite joyless but if for example all she wants is a diptyque candle and instead gets 4 yankee candles - I do understand her point.

I find that a bit much. I'd be happy with only buying one gift to a set (ish) budget but not to be told what to buy as well.

Many for environmental reasons we have stopped gifts for adults (apart from MIL who won't get on board). I think most people are just sick of the endless tat. I know you think your gifts are thoughtful but I am doubtful.

Have you considered spending Christmas apart?

there is a fun way to do this. everybody agrees on a minimum amount to be spent on a present. They buy something and wrap it up. if there are seven people taking part for example, seven numbered pieces of paper are put in a hat and everybody picks out a piece of paper which shows their number.
The wrapped presents are in a pile in the middle of the floor. The person who has number 1 on their piece of paper is first and chooses any one of the presents to open. They have to open it in front of everybody and place it on the floor in front of them. Then it's number 2's turn. they follow same procedure as number 1. However if number 2 prefers the present that number 1 got, then number 1 HAS to swap. so the the following numbers can request a swap from any of the presents that have gone before. It's enormous fun and we have to do it every Christmas afternoon.

People are too materialistic and everyone in the western world has way too much stuff. Christmas is full of tacky plastic. Landfills everywhere are full. Why can't you pull back and do secret Santa? It'll be a lot better for planet earth.

Exactly. I wanted to follow the Martin Lewis plan of scaling down Xmas and spending less (for example, by doing a secret Santa for all the adults) but like the OP, my family just won't do it. How do I not get them a present when they each spend approx £50/100 on me? People say the joy is on giving and not receiving but not to give a gift back when someone gives you a £100 hamper or a £50 voucher for a local restaurant is just rude.

I just CBA spending time and money on frivolous presents that no one really wants or needs. It's not that I'm poor and can't afford it, I just think it's a materialistic waste of money. Different for the kiddies though.

ETA - I also have three family birthdays to gift for in December and two late Nov. I'm just plain out of ideas by the time Xmas comes and some family members are soooo difficult to buy for as they have no interests/ hobbies, fussy with food, on a diet.....
It actually gives me anxiety and has taken the joy out of Xmas for me.

There was a group a few years ago that decided to end this and replace it with a charity donation. Suggest that.

But maybe she just doesn't like what you buy her - it doesn't mean it is rubbish but just maybe she would rather have something else. Clearly she doesn't want all the gifts and is telling you all that.

Maybe ask her what she would like precisely and just buy her what she actually wants.