I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

I don't buy gifts at christmas. However the way you have describe dit in your OP sounds perfectly reasonable. I would send her a message saying exactly that plus you have made up your mind and are not going to discuss it further. Secret Santas are usually a way to exchange tat.

It's meant to be a fun thing rather than a serious present giving. However there are the usual high runners that everybody wants and the carp stuff.
I worked in a dept of engineers and we did it one Christmas. One of the guys had gone to a well known sex shop and bought a 'toy'. They all wanted it.

What's the point of that though? It's a waste of money and it's not very eco-friendly to buy people things for the sake of it which will end up in the charity shop (and going by the other thread about charity shops, may just end up in the bin).

And so what if she can't be bothered to choose presents? If you have a larger family it is a massive chore.

Just tell her you'll be buying presents because you like it and it's up to the rest of the family if they do a secret santa. Your money, your choice. But do think about the sustainability of things.

You really are supremely confident in your gift choosing, aren't you 🤣🤣🤣

It could be a priceless piece of art, or a vintage silk scarf, and they may not still like it. My brother always bought me stuff that he thought I would love, but they were not things I liked or would choose.

The other poster who said it was all about you was right, it's a shame that you don't have the emotional intelligence to see that.

We started doing secret Santa a few years ago. It's a much better idea than trying to think of presents for everyone. You put a list of suggestions and the buyer can either go with it or choose their own. It means you can spend more and get one decent gift rather than 8 or 9 small shitty things that nobody really wants.

I think she dreads the whole faff and keeps trying to come up with a compromise as you like presents so much.

honestly I’d just talk to her directly and say ‘I really love exchanging gifts with my in-laws but maybe you’d prefer to skip this bit? Instead we could chip in together for the wine / chocolates / whatever special thing you like to have for Christmas and be done with it’. If she won’t be awkward watching others open gifts and she doesn’t want anything herself and doesn’t want to buy anything for anyone else this seems like a total non issue.

or just suggest a minimum secret Santa - £10 or something for a bit of fun and carry on as you like with everyone else. Totally appreciate she might not want loads of random belongings though.

out of interest is it your baby or hers? Kids make things a bit trickier but no reason people can’t buy for kids regardless.

(I like loads of the 3/2 at boots so feel free to do that for me lol. I am seriously not picky and yet often end up with crap I never wanted from my in-laws. Then I have to deal with it or store it or feel badly about it. After years of dreading finding something to get them we did handmade or thrifted gifts last year as a theme and it was lovely - my kids got really into the challenge)

Fellow secret Santa hater here. I would just ignore her. Secret Santa is forced corporate office fun and I refuse to do it at work as well.

I get it OP. I would absolutely hate to do a family secret santa. Agree that its joyless and no way would tolerate my brothers wife saying I cant buy gifts for my mum and dad and siblings. Id send a very firm message just completely shutting it down. Something like, SIL we have already told you multiple times we do NOT want to do a fanily secret santa. Please stop bringing this up. Understand if you want to stop buying presents but we want to continue as we always have. Is she normally a pain in the arse? If not maybe speak to her and ask why she keeps suggesting it when you have all already said no. The idea upthread that you do SS just for her and everyone else carries on as normal might work.

I feel sorry for SIL... i would find buying all my relatives gifts every year a torture.. such wastage .

I read directly from your posts.

This is one reason i find buying christmas presents for adults absolutely pointless. Adults have their own money to buy things we need and want. Why put pressure on each other and take the constant risk of wasting money buying something the other person doesnt want. We only buy children christmas presents

OP enjoys buying presents.
I'm baffled because I find it almost impossible to buy for someone over ten years old and not very useful.

@YouMustBeTheWeasleys But your sil hasn't "stopped" you from doing what you want to do has she? Presumably she has never physically prevented you from buying your own gifts nor handing them out to your family members.

So she might pull a face or throw a tantrum but that's not the end of the world, particularly as you are adamant that nobody else wants to do it either. I genuinely can't understand what power a grown woman has over two other grown adults that stops them buying gifts against their will.

Exactly, the elderly in care or nursing homes or someone who can't easily get to shops/online being an exception.
Also certain people who'll never buy something nice for themselves.

Incorrectly.

Op has been very clear that she doesn't want to buy off a list that someone has made of things they are happy to receive and she doesn't want to make such a list for herself either.

Honestly more than finances it sounds like she just want the Christmas traditions she grew up with to be the same across the board. However she really should have taken the hint by now. If it's becoming an eye roll worthy topic in your family maybe just ignore her pleas from here on out, eventually provide her with some wish lists so she doesn't have to think up ideas on her own.

I hate it too op. We used do colleagues birthdays but not now too many of us. If the santa price too high could you set a limit on it?

Or you can enjoy picking out gifts for those you love and that you know they'd like (doesn't need to be £££, just thoughtful) and enjoy receiving gifts from those who care for you.
I guess if you come from a family who has a history of people giving shitty gifts then SS seems wise, though it all seems like going through the motions tbh.

Or practical, helpful and saving people wasting money on things others don't want.

I always understood it to be a list of suggestions. The same way dc might write a letter to Santa, I pick some things off their list, but also might see a lovely book or game i know they’ll love so I grab that instead of something else on the list. The ones I’ve done have always been vague too, eg I would love some stationary or I love coffee. Then you get to pick beautiful stationary, or whatever, but the receiver is also happy.

Actually many adults don't buy nice things for themselves ie. I think it's more than "certain people".
I'm not talking about being clothed, fed and warm, but the treat things, like a nice hand cream, or a new book, or a jigsaw. Something that makes you feel that someone else has thought about you. That can make you feel loved.

Oh so many unintentionally ironic comments on MN today….

@CandyCrushLevel14809 , I'm not talking about being clothed, fed and warm, but the treat things, like a nice hand cream, or a new book, or a jigsaw.
Those aren't treats. I hate hand cream and would give it away, I borrow books from the library or buy from charity shops and prefer to choose what I read, and I don't do jigsaws.