I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

You’re clearly not going to agree and both seem unwilling to compromise, but I have been in the other position previously and it made me feel like crap. I couldn’t afford gifts and felt upset and awkward at the “I’ll get you one anyway, no need to get me one!” Mentality. When it came to it, I politely and firmly turned down the gift, making it clear I was uncomfortable and had made this clear beforehand. You have different opinions, but it doesn’t make you right. The “but I love to give” mentality can be toxicity hiding behind so-called good intentions.

As an aside, I often find the “I love to give regardless of anyone else” brigade also buy the worst presents, but that’s probably a different debate.

I think SIL is sick of receiving your 'thoughtful gifts'. One persons thoughtful gift is someone else's idea of crap. You aren't taking the hint. She doesn't want a gift. Agree to stop buying her a gift and move on. If she keeps on I would be direct and ask why is secret Santa so important to you? Maybe it brings her joy as much as your gift buying brings you. Who is the gift for? You or them? Are you being just as selfish as her?

You could do a secret Santa amongst the siblings / in-laws and then still buy for parents?

Rather than laziness or money issues it might be that SIL just wants to limit the overconsumption / influx of tat that nobody really wants. My experience of buying presents for adults that otherwise have enough money to buy the things that they want/need for themselves throughout the year is that people get it wrong at least as often as they get it right. I also find that people sometimes convince themselves that they have bought something really thoughtful and appreciated, and don’t realise that they have actually missed the mark.

It’s no good just saying she doesn’t need to buy anything in return, most people will feel obliged to reciprocate. I think you at least need to meet her halfway, maybe a secret Santa between SIL/bil and the rest of the family, and then continue buying as normal amongst those that want to.

Do you all gather together to open gifts?

Judging by the response the op isn't a fan of sil Sonia doing anything and. Everything to cuas upset and create a gap between sil and the rest of the family

My first husbands mother refused to give cash for Christmas and birthdays and absolutely refused to do lists of things that might actually be wanted. She wanted to do beautifully wrapped presents that matched her tree and keep them as 'surprises' . By the time my children were teens ( and wanted cash so they could pool it and buy one big thing they really wanted) it was awful. She bought the ' build your own volcano', ' bettery powered solar system model' crap. It was £20 that could had been given in cash towards the computer/ bike etc they really wanted and was just donated to the charity shop afterwards. They had the stress of doing the delighted' face and we had the stress of trying to think of something she might like rather than her doing like my family and giving a selection of items you might like and an agreed budget. It takes up so much time and brain space ,most of which falls on the woman in the family. Christmas is so much more enjoyable when you give/ receive something that's actually wanted.

i don't like SS and would just say "stop asking the answer will always be no" and carry on.

But your idea that you just say one thing and you get that is batshit. You can make a list of things that you wouldn't normally buy for yourself at that price, but you would maybe like to have, then they pick from that. That way nobody wastes money and you get a slight surprise AND something you would like.

I kind of get that for you it’s enjoyable doing all the shopping, wrapping and choosing. For me it’s absolutely torture. I hate all of it. The pushing my way through crowds, the wracking my brains for what to buy, the stress of not being very good at wrapping presents however hard I try, the embarrassment when my carefully chosen present doesn’t hit the mark, the dread of having to pretend to like a lame present. It’s just awful.

It takes away from the bits that really are fun for me, the decoration, the cosiness, the spending time together. I get so stressed that I end up dreading it and now only buy for my adult children and often even then I get them experiences rather than stuff they don’t even want.

I’m not saying you’re wrong and I’m right OP but I wonder if your SIL is like me and just finds it all stressful. It’s difficult if you do because you feel like an absolute grinch to not buy presents when everyone else is. Could you maybe talk to her and see what she feels comfortable with and not judge her too harshly.

Okay, I've read all your posts, OP, and I have to say I still don't get it. I mean, really, who cares? Also, it's not like there's one correct or standard gift method. So if there are three couples and it's been done the way the rest of you prefer for the past two years (if the rest of them all really care anyway, which seems unlikely) then wouldn't it rightfully be her turn to have the gifts done her way this time?

Is there something more going on here, like you feel like SIL runs things too much in general or something else?

Especially since you're an in-law with this side of the family, it might be wiser to just go with the flow. Meaning, if others object to this gift method okay, but don't lead the objections. Good luck with it.

I agree OP. I don't like it, just because she wants to save money she gets to dictate that you can't buy, for example, your parents a present this year? Nope. Stay strong!

Our extended family went to do secret santa for the adults (g/parents and kids not included). This was because my mums sister in law always bought what (im sure) she thought were thoughtful presents. Nothing hinted at. Nothing really with insight. Earrings for me (I dont have pierced ears), slippers for my cousin ( he was size 11, she bought size 9). It got to the point where we needed her to stop as it made us all feel crap and uncared for. Buying us all presents that she liked but were just given to charity.
It did work quite well for a time but then we went to no presents aside from the kids and parents. Parents presents were given on Xmas day and the kids presents on the day we got together.
Im sure she thought that she had the best way.
Maybe your other half can find out why she wants to do it this way, because no matter what you say, buying for them does mean they feel they have to reciprocate and if they have financial issues then its an issue for them.
Pushing to do it your way every year could be seen as difficult....why not try and compromise? Alternate years, or selected people only.

Yes Op stay strong .....and buy everyone stuff they don't want cos its Christmas and the tat looks pretty under your tree.

I can’t imagine being like this with my partners family, I’d just do it their way and leave it to my partner to get gifts. Why make a big deal of it?

Personally I find the whole "I just love to give gifts" a bit annoying. The people in my life who do this and won't entertain a different way of doing things buy us things we have no need for and I could honestly do without then having to find new homes for them whilst feeling a bit guilty. Why is it so desperately important for you to choose gifts? Give them discreetly at another time of year if you're so committed to it.

What’s the current gifting set up across the family? A few years ago we all decided to only buy for the kids and it’s been brilliant. I do still get my parents a bottle of something but that’s it, it’s taken all the faff, stress, expense of buying for absolutely everyone in the family away.

We’ve stopped buying presents for adults in my husband’s family. Ultimately even though we didn’t spend small amounts of money everyone could buy what they wanted during the year and it was ultimately token gifts that people moved around. We now spend that money on a family experience or a meal out etc which everyone benefits from. My family we do secret Santa, it’s a token really about £20 each and we provide a list. We save the “spontaneous presents” for birthdays here

I hate presents. It’s just more crap for me to re-home. It’s a very rare occasion in the last 50yrs that I've actually received something I would have bought myself! Such a waste. A bottle of bubbly or a bunch of flowers my only acceptable presents - easily disposed of in a week!
It took a good 10yrs to talk DH out of birthday/Christmas presents for me, he came round to my way of thinking that I’d rather buy what I want when I want it rather than random stuff two days a year, or even worse issuing a “wish list” if I want something I’d rather buy it myself, that way you get the colour/make/model you want, not the nearly but not quite version.
You may like buying presents OP, but it’s not fair to impose them on an unwilling recipient!

We do something similar to secret Santa with my siblings and their partners. 6 adults, we all have kids we buy for too. Before we would budget £50 per adult so that was £200 on siblings and partners. What we do now is create gift lists, and then each of us pick a list (secret santa style) and buy up to the value of £100 from the list. Adults get a reasonable gift of something of their liking, we save £100 on siblings spending. Also saved buying bath sets and crap that no one is really bothered with to make a gift look better. It works really for us!

Okay, so didn't you say there are three couples involved? If you an DH, and one other couple got your way on the gift method for the past two years, then why is it not SIL and her husband's turn to choose the method this year?

I still don't see what the big deal is anyway. That's why I asked you if there's more to this story. Please note I'm not trying to be argumentative, I just wouldn't care, like, at all. So, I guess I just don't get it.

I just take gifts these days and take them to a charity shop because I realised that it’s not my job to be making room for stuff they have the arrogance to chose for me

but I know it’s arrogance mixed with love - which is why I don’t give them straight back to them

I just wish people could take the time to understand that people are so very different and occasionally adapt their behaviour as a result

Not sure why you felt the need to quote me there. I was saying stay strong in her opinion. She's entitled to it. I didn't say anything about buying tat or anything.
cheers love

Did you just say that someone giving you a gift is them "having the arrogance" to choose it for you!? 😂

Then just keep replying ‘no, it’s not our thing. Please stop suggesting it,’ on repeat.

It’s all you can do.