I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

Well if she did secret Santa there would be less cost and less effort so no need to start as early.

I think it is just a polite question, Op.
Secret Santa is happening. Do you want to participate?

Answer honestly.... No thank you, DSIL, we are most happy not to participate.

Then get on and buy and receive as you please.

You are dwelling too much on the fact that the family will give you a choice each year, so not to be rude.

Well, she's from a generation where politeness and good manners top trumped all, so she never would have done that. It would have been crass to her.

Well, I would never dream to hurt her feelings by doing that. I guess we were brought up very differently.

How have you not understood that she doesn't WANT less cost and effort if it requires simply exchanging a single requested item?

OP wants to buy presents in the normal way.

When buying presents in the normal way, she would prefer to do so before December because it spreads the cost and effort, while still achieving the aim of 'buying presents in the normal way', compared to doing so in December.

How is this difficult to understand?!

It's like someone saying 'i buy my chicken from the butcher because it's cheaper than Waitrose' and you saying 'well if you bought chickpeas instead it'd be even cheaper'. It doesn't achieve what OP is aiming for.

I despair.

I suggested secret Santa last year and it got shot down I find it ridiculous to buy presents for all the adults in the family. I set a limit of £20 each but it still ends up costing me around £300 all in. Then I have to fly to see them which is around £200 at least and then a hotel is £400 on top of that. No one appreciates that my expenses are higher than others for Christmas. It’s always the same stuff we exchange too, mainly bath products and skincare stuff that we could all just buy ourselves that we know we will actually like and use.

As much as you say you don't expect anything back, she will feel obligated to reciprocate.

I have a friend who has loads of money - spends loada on me and DD and l keep trying to say to her oh let's just go out for dinner instead but she always gets me lovely gifts and l just can't afford it but feel l have to get her something too.

And another friend who never sees my dd but always buys for her so l have to buy for her 3 kids who l also never see - it's idiculous so l set a really small budget and hope eventually she'll realise l was serious when l said l'd rather not do gifts.
Plus it's just another job.

Can't you save it for birthdays op?

But why is it all about you and your 'joy'

I'd love to see SILs some of this

You need to do a poll in the group chat. Our family does just adults then everyone gets for the kids.

Why is it all about you and what you'd love to see?

Is it perhaps how people express a preference or opinion?

She asks a question once a year and you think it's pushy?

It sounds like you just don't like them.

And it's definitely all about you if you're not willing to compromise for a third of your group.

I mean, no one else in the group wants to do it so group wins. It is that simple

So I'm the person in my family who suggested secret santa - and did for a few years until we actually tried it. It was a little odd at first, but we've done it this way for a good few years now.

It wasn't financially motivated, but my mum just goes absolutely overboard with presents. And I know this is such a poor little rich girl (we're certainly not) problem. But it would end up that the entire day was spent just opening presents. One at a time, going round in a circle for hours and hours and hours. It used to be OK when we were kids
because there were less of us. But when our children arrived, my mum just started buying the same amount for then as she always had for us (as santa). I kid you not that one year, when my nieces and nephews were little, we had to hold some presents back for the next day as they got fed up opening presents.

We started to buy for the gifting trees and I tried to hint that perhaps my mum - who is clearly a generous person - could focus her energy on giving some of the stuff she buys to children for whom it would make a difference, but she didn't.

I understand that it comes from a place of love and wanting to provide what she didn't have. But Christmas has become such an unenjoyable consumer-fest. And I desperately wish we could change that and give our kids the same type of Christmas we had as kids - with playing games and eating food.

Anyway, back to the point - perhaps your sister-in-law just doesn't want more stuff?

I'd like to hear SIL's side of this too. She has had to go along with your way for years, she proposes a perfectly alternative and you just shut it down, three years in a row.

If everyone else in the group wants to do SS then you should. Only worry about your own family if you have kids

you missed this part.

So essentially, you don't care that there may be time or money pressures on your them, you just want to show off your gift giving prowess and if they don't like it they should just make themselves the odd ones out in the family.
Also curious if everyone else in the family is agaibst it or whether you' ve just told them you are and they can't face a tantrum about it.

My understanding is that there are 6 people involved in this situation - how do you know that your SIL is not speaking on behalf of the others as well?

I'd be so annoyed at my husband for going along with that, I'm so sorry.

Last year you deflected by claiming that you've already started shopping, so maybe she tried earlier this year. That's not rude.

I don't think her idea is really viable, not with the details you've provided later (extra couple). However, your usage of the word irritating is a bit rich. You enjoy insta-level packages waiting under your christmas tree, and everyone else is an accessory for your preference...

All the same, it seems mean to not let her have it her way once in a while, why don't you just agree to try it for a year and see how it goes.

We've done secret santa in various settings throughout the years and never had to choose from a list of gifts, just buy whatever we wanted for that person.