I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

There is 6 adults in my family, me, my sister, our OH’s and our parents, we only buy the kids, we got to the point where we were buying each other and OH’s because it was Christmas but we really didn’t need anything, so we decided to stop and just buy the kids and we each get our parents too.

our parents buy the kids (4 total) and us adults all get a bottle of something we enjoy, I wish my parents would stop buying us as they are pensioners living month to month.

could you suggest that you, Your OH, SL & BIL only buy the kids and parents as an alternative?

I don't care if you find irony in my comment, I stand by it. We have too much stuff already. We're filling up landfill with things we don't want or need.

At least I could pass the wood burning engraving kit I received to someone who would use it.

You keep saying "suck the joy out..."

It sucks the joy out for YOU.

What about how other people feel? What if feeling obliged to buying pointless things for virtual strangers sucks the joy out for them?

Why should the feelings of one third of your party be dismissed? What makes your opinion on gift-giving more important?

The problem is that by insisting on Secret Santa, the SIL is doing exactly that - expanding energy on something the OP doesn’t want to do….

Secret Santa still needs to be bought, wrapped etc…
And it’s much harder to do when you’re finding it joyless and you’ve been put in a position where you have to do it…..

I think its much fairer to do secret santa every other year and not one person ie you to dictate what presents are brought for the whole family. Christmas isn't about gifts its about time spent together . Too much pressure on everyone is unnecessary

YANBU! I loathe Secret Santa's! I pulled out of it when I worked! Some of the gifts had zero thought put into them . I actually got one so recently wrapped that the glitter glue the 'gifter' had slopped on it was still wet!! Not for me . Fortunately my family are not into Secret Santa's either!
Just tell your DSIL it's not your thing but you understand if she maybe just wants to buy for the children. Good luck with it!

We do secret Santa at work, we write a list of ideas of what we would like, it means those who participate get a gift they want , we have a few people at work who live alone and have no family so this is the only gift they get at Christmas so it’s nice to get something they like.

i always put a certain beauty product on mine, I wouldn’t spend that money on one item and it means I get a nice treat at Christmas as I think it’s far too expensive for what it is, so I wouldn’t buy myself it.

We just don’t buy adult gifts in either side of the family apart from for our parents and for each other, we buy for all the nieces and nephews instead of our siblings.

Ah yes, like my aunt who rescued cats and had 8 at one point.

Forever doomed to receive cat-based gifts.

I'm her 80s, she admitted she hated the gifts!

Tbh I think it’s a good idea.

No one has ever said everyone should do things exactly the same way.
That way you smooth things over with her. You could even agree on the list.
And still do Christmas your way with your PIL.

Your PIL might jump at the opportunity to say they like the idea and do the same.

Also if she is doing SS with her family, she might simply find thinking of gifts, knowing what’s appropriate etc….more difficult. She might find it strange and long fir the easy way of her family.
The answer could be that her dh handles the Christmas present for his side of the family. And so could your dh (includimg negotiating/compromising on how to do Christmas)

Same here.

Really?

The people who bought the gifts for her obviously thought she would love them.

My sister buys me personalised stuff that she thinks I'll love and are very thoughtful, but they're not my taste at all.

Why dont you say that.. I dont want to do secret santa - i really enjoy buying gifts for everyone and dont want to be restricted by the rules of secret santa. But if you wanted to cut down on presents please dont feel obliged to buy for us.

Or if for them it isnt the money but the "fun" why not suggest a "white elephant game" where everyone gets a £10 gift for it in addition to normal presents

Ah yes, I'm sure you are so incredibly wise and have an almost otherworldly skill in knowing exactly what people like. You're not like other people, you truly understand the nuances of your loved ones and buy them exactly what they wanted, without them even knowing they wanted it! I'm sure this is the case and everyone else is wrong.

It's also says a lot that you resort to personal insults.

So just ignore her or say no.

When I’ve been participating in Secret Santa, there was a monetary limit, but no one ASKED for anything. That takes the fun out of gift giving, you’re just running an errand for the person buying for.

I totally get it OP, buying something from a list is pointless as the receiver could just buy it themselves. However, after so many years of buying gifts for my dad and him never really liking anything, and his love of buying random crap from amazon slowly growing, as well as my brothers obscure kind of gift giving in the mix I'm also kind of over trying to buy anything. I like buying gifts for kids, and I like buying ironic gifts for DH (who also never really likes the serious stuff I get him, this year I'm getting him a car vacuum cleaner as he is always complaining about the kids getting crumbs in his car 😂).

But it’s only for ONE gift, right? So, saving money by not spending on anyone else.

I sympathise OP, last year my sister said the same thing but I do find it a bit joyless especially as last year we used elfster and people just put one thing on their list with a link so yes easy and yes cheaper and yes zero thought involved but like you I rather enjoy choosing and buying gifts and wrapping, I must be strange lol.
And why does SIL get to decide YOUR family traditions. DB should be having the conversation.
Just say in group chat what you said here and you enjoy choosing xmas presents for everyone and you are happy to agree a budget per person but rather not do SS. What does the other couple think?

I doubt that they see it as sucking the joy out of Christmas.

I cannot believe you don’t want to do secret Santa! You are not 5 years old, why do you need to buy presents for everyone individually and why do you want to receive a present from everyone individually from your family? Christmas is so commercialised and a waste of money, I happily welcome secret santa as it reduces spending and time spent buying crap nobody wants or they can get themselves.

It has been acknowledged. Still, people have also acknowledged that it’s not all about what OP wants or doesn’t want. There are other people involved. What’s also clear, is that OP dislikes SIL to start with.