I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

" I was given a name and what they wanted. I bought it and gifted it! He may as well have bought it himself! "

This is how some families do 'normal' Christmas presents though. I remember someone saying he had 'ordered' something from his parents for Christmas as if it was Amazon.

Yes to this.

When we went to the "no gifts for anyone over 18 policy," this did not include parents. It was mainly for siblings, their partners, and their assorted offspring when they reached the age of 18. Between us, DH and I have 7 siblings. We still exchanged presents with our parents and of course, with our children, and now, our grandchildren.

There are quite a few variations on efforts to make gift giving more manageable. As for sucking the joy out of Christmas, limiting gift giving is what gave me back some measure of joy.

Plus we were (and are) still giving presents for other occasions: graduations, weddings, confirmations (we are godparents to several nieces and nephews), etc.

Because she’s been to boots in the January sales and bought everyone the left over gift sets for 70% off that’s why! I’ve read most of this thread now and she’s actively avoiding the questions about what she is actually buying people, which says to me it’s a lot of shite no one actually wants and probably part of the reason SIL has suggested secret santa!

You just say 'my answer hasn't changed since you last asked. I don't want to do it. I buy for everyone. If you don't want to buy for us that's absolutely fine but I'm not doing secret santa' Then you stop entertaining anything about it. Just say 'i said no' if she tries to engage you further.

If multiple people aren't comprehending, perhaps the issue could be with the explanation rather than the reading?

You’re still assuming your definition of a nice gift is everyone else’s definition too.

I’d love a book, a shiny hardback from something in the book charts. Or would I prefer some scruffy secondhand copies of a couple of things that have been on my list for a year or two?

I’d love some exquisite Belgian chocolate. Or would I prefer my body weight in Maltesers?

I’d love some jewellery, maybe a discreet diamond necklace? Or those silver earrings on Etsy that look like they’ve been bashed with a hammer by an angry toddler?

I prefer the second option for all of those. And I’ve not told anyone. It’s not a secret, it’s just things that haven’t made it from my interior monologue to be voiced out loud while anyone is in the same room as me.

OP has been perfectly clear - you can actually read for yourself what she has written; it's a wonderful feature of online forums.

Give us an example of a present you’ve purchased with £25 then.

Well she wasn’t clear about who suggested £50 per person until it was queried.

Yes of course I can. I never buy gift sets, I hate them. But from experience the people who insist on buying presents for everyone and refusing to entertain other people suggestions, do so because they pop off to places like boots and use the 3 for 2 offer! The OP said earlier that she was objecting to the £50 limit per person for secret santa because she could buy 2 people presents for that amount. Let’s be honest, there’s not a huge amount of decent gifts you can buy for an adult for £25 or less. Kids absolutely, but adults unless it’s a bottle of alcohol (which I also think is a cop out unless it’s specifically asked for) is more tricky. Not impossible, but tricky. I just think considering the OP refuses to answer any questions about what she is actually buying, just proves she’s buying absolute shite no one wants but her SIL is too kind just to tell her.

I dont recall saying it was sad. But it's boring. May aswell just give the money.

I actually know my family well enough to get them something they'd like, shame you don't!

I have - but if you have had to say “no one understands me” this many times, there’s a chance the issue is with the one, not the many.

We do secret Santa with my family, we just spend around £20 on a token gift (from a wish list as we use an app to do it). So everyone has something to open Christmas Day but no one has to spend time and effort buying for everyone when no one really needs anything. For my husband’s family they still do presents but everyone just buys each other stuff they don’t want or need, if it was up to me I’d stop presents all together. I’d rather people spent the money on themselves and we just spent some time together over the festive period. Gift giving has got out of hand and is just an obligation and chore for a lot of people.

Of course you can get a nice gift for £25, doesn’t mean it’s anything people want. You are buying for adults, who as you’ve suggested multiple times aren’t hard up, go on nice holidays and replace their cars. What exactly would they need or want that would cost £25 or less? Nothing. They can literally buy it themselves. £50 is a budget that most people would think twice about spending on themselves (I know I certainly would with 2 young kids) but would be enough money to buy them something they really loved and wanted to use all year round.

You do realise you’ve just basically said ‘but I don’t want to buy them things they like, I want to buy them something I want to buy’.

The list can still give you plenty of scope. It doesn’t have to be ‘this specific item from this specific shop - here’s the link’. The list could be ‘something nice to eat’, ‘a new costume jewellery necklace’ ‘a fancy notebook and stationery’ or whatever. You then choose, buy and wrap (in your carefully coordinated wrapping paper) something that fits the theme.

Who else doesn’t like SS idea in the family? Did all those say out loud to her they didn’t want it? And she’s pushing it a 3rd time? Just don’t respond to her question then as it is in group chat and if no one responds then she’ll know the collective or majority answer.

Or is this a stand off between you and her?

Just say no thanks. It really doesn’t have to be a whole thing. I did it for 2 years with my partners family. I found that everyone stuck to budget with in laws but went way over with brothers and sisters. So I’ve just said no thanks for 3 years now.

But you are deciding what is happening. If there are 3 couples maybe in turn, everyone gets a go at doing it their way. That is the fairest.
I really don’t like buying or receiving presents. I only buy birthday and Christmas presents for people under 21.
Lets face it who wants one of those horrible toiletry sets, a candle or a perfume they don’t like that much.

I can't believe what a hot topic this is
So with the in laws we have always done secret Santa, but even more restricted there is a budget and the person writes down exactly what they want. Over the years we also started buying extra little gifts and eventually me and the other Dil just said we arent doing it any more. We buy for each other's kids and each get a small gift for the oils, then obviously do our own families.

Perhaps they can do an opt in secret Santa, and even if you join in with that you can still say you will get a few extra things anyway just because you like choosing gifts for people, you don't have to get anything extra for her.

My brother and his new girlfriend also had the idea of doing secret Santa last year, my dad didn't want to so instead we chose a low budget, but in the end when my brother and his girlfriend turned up that had spent way over the budget themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is just agree to whatever and then do what you want and feel happy with. Worst case scenario someone gets extra gifts, maybe just don't buy anything too big for her so she doesn't feel awkward.

I understand people saying she can't be forced to buy gifts but as you say equally you can't be forced not to when it's something that gives you joy.