I just don’t want to do secret Santa!

Well all I cam say is since my family started secret Santa for Christmas ( for anyone aged 21 to 75 as we have a couple of elderly people in the family with early stage dementia who love getting lots of presents) , it has made Christmas exponentially less stressful. It is the only thing that makes it almost bearable now

We do tend to have 12-15 adults at Christmas vaying in ages from 20s to 80ss. I also used to have to buy presents from me and from my elderly parent who wanted to give presnts but was unable to arrange buying and wrapping them all without my help . So that was at least 20 presents to choose and buy before I started on DH, DS and stockings etc.

I did that for about 10 years and was very grateful eh3n we started to do secret Santa which we have done for about 5-6 years now

Wow you and people you know must be very privileged to have too much stuff

After years of running about like a headless chicken trying to buy presents for hard to please people and getting things I didn't want or couldn't use, in return... I suggested lets just buy for the children and this was accepted with enthusiasm.
We still do presents within our own unit.. .and the DC bought GPs a token DC gift.. and everyone was happy. ( You could still quietly buy your DM/DF a present if you wanted)
If the reason was your SIL finds it very expensive and time consuming, she might be happy with that and can spend the money she would have spent on presents for everyone on her DC or treat herself.

I found it took one of the arduous things about Christmas out of the equation, for the better.

It is possible to have too much random gift-type stuff even if you don't have too much money and things you'd actually use.

So it’s all very transactional if everyone supplies a list. This “joy” you speak of doesn’t align with a transactional list. You can tell her that she doesn’t have to reciprocate until you’re blue in the face, but everybody with any form of emotional intelligence understands that the culture in this country is to reciprocate. She’s asked for several years, so this is important to her. Martin Lewis has a video about how it’s unfair to make people feel obligated to spend money that they don’t have on gifts. Christmas is expensive. He says in the video that the biggest gift you can give someone is the release of the financial obligation to give to you by not giving them unwanted gifts. It’s not your family, OP. Go balls out with your own family and allow SIL to have more of a say about her financial obligations with her own family.

Who are you to say that £100 per couple doesn’t affect them? Have they shared their monthly budget with you? Have they shared that their mortgage rate has gone up and they’re barely able to make the minimum monthly payments? Have they shared that they’re in credit card debt and struggling to make the payments? You have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors.

@U53rName i posted that Martin Lewis video yesterday and was quite surprised to see a few pushback comments!

The issue is that there is nothing like an universal treat.

Your nice hand cream is my "wtf why is someone giving me random toiletries".

Books and jigsaws are very preference based.

If you visit any shop, it is soo visible how many items are manufactured with the sole purpose of becoming a gift item, with the first priority being looking appealing to the giver.

The holidays and cars could all be on the never never. You have no idea, OP.

Or you can enjoy picking out gifts for those you love and that you know they'd like (doesn't need to be £££, just thoughtful) and enjoy receiving gifts from those who care for you.

The bit about ‘gifts you know they’d like’ doesn’t always ring true though!

You arent coming across in a very good light OP.

You care a lot about your pretty wrapped presents under YOUR tree, but you dont actually seem to care much about whether the receiver actually wants the gift, and resort to personal digs about how much money they have and call them lazy 🙄
Not wanting to spend time, money and effort on things that will just be thrown into landfill hardly makes somebody lazy, just means they have better things to spend their precious time on. Whether they can afford holidays or not with their own money that they earned, is irrelevant. From their perspective, you probably come across as a showoff who has made it clear that you dont like them.

Years ago, we agreed on both sides of the wider family (mine and DH's) to stop buying gifts for anyone over 18. It has made Christmas so much less stressful and more enjoyable.

Nah, I think PP was spot on. Everything in OP post screams that they want to post their pretty tree on social media for likes, they know some of the receivers dont want these gifts but dont care. OPs is the only 'joyful' way to do Christmas, and everyone else is wrong

This. It’s so very clear that she loathes SIL, yet desperately wants to give to her in the “spirit of Christmas.”

@Kate8889 , it's easy to have too much stuff and it's not a privilege.
The crap gifts only add to the piles of stuff I need to get rid of.

Why do people buy me books I have no interest in reading and inscribe them.

Why do they buy me hand cream I'll never use, or scented candles that make me sneeze? Or a dressing gown with the price tag ripped so I can't return it and exchange it for something that I need but can't afford?

Not wanting to spend time, money and effort on things that will just be thrown into landfill hardly makes somebody lazy, just means they have better things to spend their precious time on.

So true. For years DH and I both had jobs that had a lot of deadlines at the end of the calendar year. So we were definitely not lazy. I will admit that I don't like to shop, but that is a personal preference, not laziness. These situations need some type of compromise. In our family, it was to limit gift giving in the wider family to children; secret Santa is another type of compromise.

Maybe they would rather money spent on one quality thing thats actually wanted, rather than an equivalent amount on unwanted landfill?
I know you will trot out the same response about 'might as well cut out the middleman', but yes, thats exactly what people want. They want a present they actually want, and have obviously suggested this as a way to try to meet you half way.

We do secret Santa as a family, but I always exchange gifts separately with my sister and my daughter still gets gifts for family members. No reason not to do both.

Haven’t rtft but wondering maybe if it’s because she doesn’t want to accumulate more ‘stuff’, ie it’s not the buying or giving of gifts that’s an issue, but the receiving of things she then has to find a place for? I know I feel like this sometimes and often would prefer not to get gifts.

This thread is absolutely dripping with judgement for your SIL. we did read them.

But one third of your group DO want it to change clearly, or they wouldn't keep asking.

You sound quite controlling OP.

The decent thing to do would be to do SS alternating/ every third year as a compromise to everyone but it seems like you just want to 'win' this battle against your DSIS. Currently you're just insisting they compromise with what you want, which actually isn't what a compromise is at all!