Don’t want my 16 year old here anymore.

Get in touch with who ever arranges the home tutor hours. Ask them for help or ask the tutor to refer your family to the LADO and let SS know that they have done so. None of you can live like this.

i have no advice but it seems like an awful situation. I'm sorry you are going through this.

Glad to see you’re keeping your sense of humour, OP, some people just love to pass judgement. Even more glad that it looks like you’ve got the ball rolling on getting the help you and your children need. I hope you get some good support out in place for all of you.

My stepson behaved like this when he actually had an addiction to gaming. He may need more help than anyone currently realises.

His behaviour is obviously completely unacceptable, however it might be worth going to a professional and asking the question of whether this could be an issue for him.

Well done black widow, that sounds very positive. Also please do call the police every time he is abusive or violent to you or his siblings. To keep you all safe, so everything is logged and also doing this should hopefully bump your case further up SS list of priorities as well.

sometimes our kids don’t turn out the way we’d hoped - despite our best parenting efforts. Hopefully your whole family can get the support they need and things improve for you all xx

My mums friend went through this 2 years ago.

he son was doing drugs, bringing randoms in to their home, crime, out of control, attacking her and his siblings, breaking everything

After many, many, many warnings, and trying everything, she kicked him out and he went into like one of those foster/care homes? For young people?

he was never diagnosed with ADHD tho. Though they are now considering possibility of him having this she said.

I am sorry you are going through this <3

So sorry to hear you are having a difficult time - as a parent of a 21yo AuDHD child still living at home and who has pretty much tyrannised us for years I truly feel for you. I have actually ended up asking for an adult social care assessment via the GP to access a MH team, social care and social service support to facilitate eventually moving her into supported living accommodation, or just to alternative accommodation with social services and MH support. I think for a 16yo you can do similar but it’s called a Transition assessment or child social care assessment. I contacted the GP to see them on my own behalf and explained that the family was in crisis and that I couldn’t go on anymore. On the day I saw her I explained that I wasn’t suicidal but that I truly wished I was dead and could not take any more). GP was amazing and got the ball rolling.

I’ve framed it with DD as ‘getting specialised support for her MH/ND issues in order to support her into independence’ but not mentioned that I’d pack her bag tomorrow if I could. Strangely her behaviour has improved since the MH team assessment and knowing I have the ear of the GP and there are services incoming has really helped.

Can recommend contacting them to explore your options. I would also recommend contacting ADHDUK and also the NAS.org (if autism is part of the picture and this applies) and either speaking to their team or ask to be put in touch with a parent peer mentor? It really helps to talk (cry) with a parent who gets it and has walked part of the same journey in similarly ill-fitting shoes.

I don’t have any practical advice and have seen others give really useful signposts for help but I did want to send you support and best wishes. My ADHD son changed dramatically during covid and it also coincided with hitting puberty. There are still holes in his walls where he threw a chair as he was so angry and disregulated. He also used my debit card for gaming without telling me etc. he does seem to have grown up and out of this but even for the short time it occurred I felt desperate and it was nowhere near the level of horror you are facing. I hope you can get the support you need for all in the family.

@Blackwidowsbite
It maybe worth contacting your EHCP caseworker to request a MDT meeting under safeguarding. The tuition company should also be completing a safeguarding referral to the LA. However, it does help to bring everyone together from all departments. I think a previous poster also provided advice on the wording for social care. The SEND team do have a safeguarding responsibility and it can prompt a quicker MDT meeting. The caseworker or their line manger will have greater access to internal LA staff. I do not like asking, this question and apologies if it makes you uncomfortable. Is there any sexualised behaviours that you are concerned about other than the homophobia you mentioned? If so, do feel you need to disclose here, I just wanted to make you aware there will be LA staff to support with this and it is another safeguarding matter that prompts action. You may also want to ask for a prevent referral. Speak with your younger children’s education placements also. The more pressure from different professionals, the sooner appropriate action for can take place.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My sister went through this 10 years ago, crying out for help and nobody did. In the end, after being attacked by my nephew, she rang the police and he was arrested. The police kept him in a cell overnight and my sister refused to have him back the next day. Cue hours of arguing over what to do with him - the NHS said that SS should take responsibility and SS wanted the NHS to look after him. He eventually got put into supported living and is now 25. My sister and two nieces are finally building a relationship with him and he is taking his meds and turning into a nice young man. He now has a job. Hormones and ADHD do not mix well and he has now settled. There is hope.

Having bothered to read all the thread, there's clearly plenty of people on it that either haven't read it all or have only accepted the bits that support their own views! Still seeing comments about "contact CAHMS" when you've already explained you have, or "talk to him about his plans for next year/college/long term" when he's already refused to engage.

@Blackwidowsbite I indirectly deal with Care Leavers in my job, so do have a bit of an idea how some teens can behave. Your son's behaviour isn't down to his ADHD, although that may exacerbate some of his behaviours it almost definitely isn't the cause of them.

The "sit him down and talk to him" suggestions are from people who just looked at the headlines of what you wrote & didn't read or ignored your comments about his refusal to do that. Same with the ones who suggest anything at all to do with him engaging with others, as you've tried that many times and tried to tell him it will help him, and he's refused multiple times. Same for the suggestions of Boxing clubs or the gym - apart from the fact those would make him even more dangerous to you and his siblings, there's no way he will go to anything like that as they aren't in his room on line.

I feel sorry for you for all the people here who have suggested it's your fault. There are many, many children who grow up in much more chaotic households that never show signs of violence to siblings and are happy to cooperate with professionals.

I agree with the suggestions about calling the Police every time he is violent, threatens you or the other children, or starts to damage the house. Keep on at Social Services; they are horrendously overworked and understaffed but will respond once it's very clear to them this isn't a one off or short term thing, and to do that you can't really leave them to do their thing without you following up. As suggested by others, emphasise the potential harm to the siblings.

Good luck!

‘the NHS said that SS should take responsibility and SS wanted the NHS to look after him’
this is far more common than people realise and leaves thousands of people, children, young people, families etc in an interminable bottle neck of cycling and escalating risk and behaviour.
increased pressure on frontline services, police, ambulance, emergency rooms, schools, GP surgeries, the public etc.
it’s absolutely shameful and all comes down to money.

i hope SS etc start moving soon for you OP.

Have you spoken to your other children’s school ? Your other children are witnessing some extreme DV here and school need to know this . School involvement may help your case along too . (Before a pile on, I work in school and we have got involved with similar cases).

Well done, OP. What you've done isn't easy - please be ready to repeat your story to multiple people, and don't downplay anything. Unfortunately, the system is so broken that you have to 'prove' you're at breaking point to get any help. Repeat to everyone that yourself and your younger children are at risk of physical abuse (this may trigger the younger children being put on a child protection plan, which may feel judgemental, but it should help in the long run). You are asking for professionals to help you safeguard your younger children, if he were an adult, or a partner doing this, you would have kicked him out a long time ago. Repeat that sentence to everyone you speak to.

He is a troubled young man who needs help - you, like most of us, can't do that alone, so you need professionals to step in. Hopefully this will mean you can rebuild a relationship with him in the future.

I really hope you get a call back within the next day or so, but if you don't, please call the duty line again.

Sending strength.

How is he able to spend on your card without your permission? Surely this is a control you can put in place.
Yoo need to set clear boundaries. You can control the wifi so he’s not gaming all night. You can control your bank account. I understand it’s challenging but you also sound a bit beaten which I can understand. Would he benefit from a mentor system? Look up befriend a child and see if that will help.

Be clear that you love him but unless he can meet your rules he has to move on.

@Blackwidowsbite he obviously has serious mental health issues, he’s acting erratically and aggressively, and refuses to take his meds. Could you get him sectioned?

Once might be the wake-up call he needs to know that you’ll not put up with his behaviour. And he may actually get the help he needs too.

The moment he laid hands on you and his siblings was the moment he should have been barred from the house.

Make it unequivocally clear that any further incident of this nature will result in him being required to leave the property.

He is a violent brat.

OP have you ever called the police when your son has been violent? If not I strongly suggest you do, do it every time and allow them to remove your son if required. Tell the police that due to your sons behavior your younger children are at risk. This will trigger a safeguarding referral at the least. It does sound like you have reached the the end of the road and he may need some form of supported placement.

I grew up with a violent and abusive older brother that was exactly like this. My mum, also a single mother could do nothing to stop him, he was too big and more powerful than her. He physically assaulted me, my mum and my sister on numerous occassions, not to mention the severe mental abuse that I still get therapy for to this day (11 years after I left).

Get him out. Put your other kids first as they are still salvageable. Protect them, as it is your duty to do so. His needs have gone beyond what you can do and he needs professional help at this point, he sounds way too far gone. You sound like you've done a brilliant job raising your kids and managing everything in the face of your circumstances and kudos to you for that. Sometimes no matter how hard we do or even if we do evrrything right, some circumstances are out of our hands and things can end up like this. Don't beat yourself up and feel bad about yourself. You recognise the problem which is why you are posting, that is a major step in itself and not an easy one when its about your own child, i know how hard that is. But the only thing you can do about this, that you have left in your power is to get him out.

Do what you have to, protect yourself, protect your kids. If you cant stop him from attacking your younger kids and yourself that is the biggest problem and biggest reason to get him out; you don't need more reasoning than that. Honour your duty of care to your younger children.

I know what its like to live like this. Dont carry it on. Do what you have to to rehouse him elsewhere and prioritise your other children. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Everything will be so much easier when its sorted. Big hugs 🫂

I really hope you ARE doing all of this today, OP, and not wasting time trying to argue your case with judgemental PPs who appear to have no concept of your horrible situation.

Wishing you the very best of luck in finding a solution ASAP.

Well done OP

On my banking app card I can block online payments associated with the debit card. You may want to check this

I don’t think you understand the first thing about the OPs situation .
Did you mean to be so rude?
The council happily spend £2k a fucking WEEK on keeping somone alive with dementia and looking after them 24/7.
But heaven forbid a worn down, terrified mother gets some help.