I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

I don't think you will need to tell her. Once you tell your husband I think he will want to hurt the other guy by telling his wife. Is he likely to punch him or anything? Weigh everything up before taking the plunge. I know someone who saved their marriage by moving away. Never told OH about affair. Least said, soonest mended, etc.

On the other hand, if you were considering telling her out of sisterhood/solidarity, you'd have a point.

I think most of us on here would want to be told. Her life isn't what she thinks it is.

I say this without any judgement, as I don't know you, your circumstances or how the affair came about, but in my opinion, there are a few things you might need to consider:

1. Much like any type of romantic relationship, once it has ended, it has ended. Whoever that person ends up with is no longer anything to do with you. Whilst they may look happy on the outside, you are fully aware that he has cheated on his wife. Your affair may not have even been the first, and I suspect it likely won't be the last. He got some excitement, but he went back to what is safe and secure. He is not a good partner to his wife, and unless your only intentions and basis to be honest with the wife was purely and only to make her aware of what he has been up to because she deserves to know, then that is not fair on the wife & their children to set into motion events that would inevitably cause a ripple of pain to those who are actually the one that were wronged by this affair. From your post, it sounds more like you are hurt so you want to lash out. The wife didn't do anything wrong here. Also, if the kids all go to the same school and it gets out, then they will probably get some of the fallout should it all be exposed. Everyone's children and the potential impact on them should be everyone's first priority and consideration.
2. It really does read that you are hurting from the affair ending, which suggests that you have quite deep feelings for this man. If this is the case, then I would honestly ask the question why do you want to try to save your marriage? If you had perhaps had a one off incident, a lapse in judgement and was so overwhelmed with guilt you needed to confess immediately to be honest and try to work through to save your marriage, that might be different, but affairs are long term and intentional. Perhaps instead you need to think about why you had an affair in the first place? Marriage dynamics change over time. Sometimes, and through no ones fault, feelings can leave for a partner, and you can just fall out of love. At that point, I personally believe that it shows more love and respect for the other person and your relationship you have had to be honest, discuss whether there are any ways to try to work through, or agree amicably to end it and figure out a way to co-parent, allowing you each to go your own separate ways and to hopefully find happiness, and even that missing 'something' that made you go elsewhere in the first place.

If you need to tell your DH, do that see what happens.

If she finds out then she will need to deal with it and so will he, but to tell her to punish him now before you've even told your own DH, a big No from me. That's just bitchy behaviour - I assuming you're not one of those, right.

This is a you problem. If I was his wife I would want to know. But for someone wanting to tell me for the right reasons. Who has my best interests at heart. You would want to tell her out of spite. Which is quite disgusting. But to be honest it makes sense assuming the type of person you are, you did an awful immoral thing and now you want to hurt her.

If I were in your shoes, and I'm so glad I'm not, I would not do anything until I'd spoken to a therapist. You said yourself, you're a mess. You need help to untangle this mess before making any rash decisions.

I think you are telling yourself that tbh-

you aren’t thinking about anyone but yourself- not even your own children and not hers either not that it seems like you care about his family. Can you imagine the life at the same school for them all? Edited to add the fact you want to do it anonymously seems more about you protecting yourself than her.

You need to keep your nose out and perhaps focus on how you rebuild your life after your divorce. Its very hypocritical for you to want to tell her about her husbands deceit when you haven't told yours !
If she finds out through the grapevine then that will ease your conscience that she knows

Are you okay, OP? Can you really not make the link? Do you believe this excuse of a husband and father is a model parent at home whilst sleeping with you?

She needs to know. I can understand why you want her to hear it.

As someone who has been, very recently, in your husband’s position, I’m going to put a slightly different take on things.
Firstly, you are not necessarily a bad person, just someone who did a bad thing.
Secondly, ask yourself why you want to do this. It would seem some kind of guilt is driving this, in which case;
Thirdly, you need to come clean with your husband OR your resentment to your AF will spill out into your relationship with him.

She should definitely tell her husband before telling his wife!

Although I do think it’s suggestive that doesn’t seem to have crossed her mind - this isn’t about coming clean, it’s entirely about revenge. That’s why many people (myself included) don’t think she should tell wife in her current state - she is likely to do it in a way to maximise pain.

Mind your own business as to the state of their marriage. Direct your energy to improving or ending your own.

leave his wife out of it too. If she finds out, she finds out but it doesn’t need to come from you bragging that you shagged her DH, because that’s exactly what you did.

You had no thought for her while in the middle of shagging, only now the physical side has stopped.

block him.

Go and see a professional to help you sort your own marriage/life aims. If you were unhappy to begin with you should have left Hubby before shagging someone else and certainly not someone you knew was married with young children.

Find your moral compass.

I was going to say the same thing.

Honestly (I'll get flak for this, I know), there are worse things than having an affair. In my opinion, a worse thing would be confessing now to your husband before you've thoroughly talked through the situation & your feelings with a qualified & experienced therapist. If you want to save your marriage - and the stability of family life of two children - you may have to process your own guilt and anger privately, but with help. In other words, eat it up.

I'm not a Catholic, but somehow the sacred confidentiality of the confessional, coupled with genuine personal contrition, and determined effort to do better from now on, is a plan of action which may well suit your situation much better than harmful retaliatory action.

Find a therapist. Tell your DH something-or-other, e.g. you've been feeling depressed/anxious/depleted as your reason for going. Talk it over. Keep quiet. It's your own burden of guilt you have to bear. As for "TOM", grey-rock him. He's probably a playground-gate menace. They do exist.

this

Hear me out. I had an affair with a dad from my kids school 15ish years ago. I say affair, he was married, I was single. Once I’d come to my senses I broke it off, because honestly, what the fuck was I thinking. Part of me wishes I’d told her once our kids finished year 6 (cowardly, yes). Only because she deserved to know her husband is a rat. But I’m quite glad I didn’t. She’s living in blissful ignorance and what good would it do to disrupt that. What is a better thing to do is go to counselling and work on yourself. That way your marriage might be saved (I wouldn’t tell your partner) and you can work on yourself a little.

How about you don't tell anyone.. end your marriage and say your unhappy but dont hurt innocent people his wife and children and your own.
Or try and make your marriage work you'd be doing this out of spite telling his wife.
There will be another he will get found out eventually.
Walk away get some self respect.

You will get over your hurt in time. Please don’t tell anyone else. Telling his wife and your husband will make things so much worse. Affairs happen all the time and usually end, and you have to carry on with a broken heart, perhaps. But I don’t think confessing is the answer personally.

His wife and kids are innocent. As your kids. Why would you even think of damaging their lives?

The reality is that he seems to value being with his wife more than you and do you still want to be his exploited bit of fun on WhatsApp in 6 months time? A years time? 5 years? How long do you want to be his cheap thrill for? It's going to keep punching you in the face to watch him play happy families because he has no interest in commiting to you!

And even if he had been interested in committing to you, you would never be able to relax because you know that he's a cold callous cheat who likes using other women for a cheap thrill, you could never have a relationship with him because you'd panic everytime his phone bings or he's not at home because you know what he's capable of.

Get him out of your life and see how things go after that - whatever happens, you would have to tell your husband first before telling his wife because either one of them is likely to say something to your husband.

I think you should tell your husband as the guilt is too much for you. But why tell the wife? Cut all ties from this man and try and save your marriage. I don't understand affairs but I do wish you luck.

Oooff the ego on you. 😂

Leave her alone, you’ve done enough damage. Poor, poor children.

This and they are little children involved
Keep your mouth shut.

Well, you are the ultimate selfish sod. "I had an affair, I want the AP to suffer, I am going to destroy my husband's life, I am going to implode my children's lives". Get a bloody grip, find a counsellor and keep your mouth shut. At least until you talk this through with someone. You only want to tell him because you want to make yourself feel better.

All of this.