I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

You need to make some decisions, OP.
Do you want the affair to resume? If not, block the man's number so you can get away from his mind games. They're not bringing anything positive to your life.
Do you want your husband to know for your benefit or for his? Would you be able to look him in the eye and say quite truthfully that it's over and you don't have feelings for the other man?

Whatever you do, do not tell his wife. That would be a very cruel thing to do and you know she doesn't deserve that. It's up to him to come clean, although of course it looks like he won't unless his hand is forced.

Ultimately, happiness is the best revenge so if you can find a way of working with your husband to fix your marriage and regain your husband's trust, that's an outcome to aspire to. But if you no longer love your husband then draw a line under the marriage now and set him free.

I wonder if some sessions with a marriage counsellor (alone) would help you think more clearly.

@Gemitf block him and book some therapy sessions before you blow two lots of children’s lives apart.
Where do you find the time for an affair ?
put your energy into something else. .
If your marriage is lacking as your husband to talk and think of a way to work on things. .
You aren’t thinking clearly.

That’s Mumsnet for you
woman has affair and whilst the comments seem to condemn it on the surface there’s always an underlying sympathy and support that would not be there for a man in the same situation.

You sound bitter. I could understand wanting the wife to know because you felt she deserves to know her husband is a cheat.

But you just seem to be bitter that your marriage has been impacted and his has not. Leave them alone.

Also how has your marriage suffered if your husband does not know? Did you end the affair or did he?

Yup men don’t like to share their woman but see no irony in expecting their woman to share them.

Woman put on a brave face and continue on most of the woman who leave are either super high earners or minimum wage/benefits. If you’re in the middle they seem to stay as it’s easier with two incomes they just move him down to room mate emotionally.

Ignore my question. You answer it here. Really this all goes back to you wanting revenge because he ended things with you.

Stop. Seek therapy. Work on your own marriage. Block this man and move on. Don’t blow up two sets of children’s lives because you are angry you were dumped

It’s highly unlikely imo that given OP’s emotional state she is likely to be able to cover up a year long affair to her DH indefinitely.

Realistically if it were a ONS it might just be possible that the guilt wouldn’t eat away at her. But in these circs I think the chances are low.

Moreover, every woman on this thread would want to know if their DP was cheating, DH does have the right to know.

The damage to the children has already been done. The shit just hasn’t hit the fan yet.

The two sets of children's lives were already trashed when op and her affair partner decided to hop into bed together.
It's grim to not let the spouses know they need STD tests.

It’s highly unlikely that your DH won’t find out, or OM’s DW won’t find out and tell him, but even if they don’t you will get drunk and confess everything to your DH at some point. The die is already cast it’s just the reckoning hasn’t hit yet.

If she wanted to ensure all spouses know for that reason I would support it. But it’s not. She is simply bitter at being dumped.

The children’s lives aren’t trashed.

@Gemitf you sound like a scorned woman. A woman who has been dumped by another man and wants to retaliate in the most awful way possible. And once you have retaliate it and told the other woman then what do you do?
Be careful what you hope for because it can turn out quite differently than you have intended. Your children may decide to reject you and others may judge you very negatively by your retaliation.
There is a saying’ ‘Act in haste repent at leisure’.
You made a mistake, you are an adult and your own your mistake.
I have a feeling that you still want this man and you think that you’re retaliation by telling his wife will achieve that, the answer is no.

OP don't make the mistake of thinking the ''deep, meaningful connection'' and sexting is ok. You could still be caught and lives can still be destroyed.

Get rid of him. If he wanted you, he'd be with you. Don't lower yourself further by allowing him to still benefit from you on his terms. You're being downgraded to wank fodder and confidant. If he wants to sext, let him pay a chat line instead of you servicing that need for free. If he needs emotional support, let him pay for therapy.

If you get caught, no one and I mean no one, will believe it's just texting and coffee dates. Would you believe that? Is he really worth the risk? You say you were never going to leave your husband, well if you get caught that decision will be out of your hands.

Why don’t you tell your husband first instead of worrying about the other woman.Let him make a choice if he wants to be with you .

I too am utterly, utterly astounded by the number of people advising not to tell his wife. My guess is that most of these people haven’t been cheated on.
My husband had a long affair.
I had no idea despite our marriage suffering terribly during those years he was connected to her, I put it down to the stress of his job and his high blood pressure.
We are still together, he’s making tremendous efforts but I am still regularly tormented by the length of time it carried on, if only somebody had told me sooner.
I did tell OW’s husband, but I was more shocked than he, apparently he had found out 3 years earlier and his wife had assured him she had ended the affair.
If only I’d known sooner. I was robbed of a happy marriage for those years.

His wife absolutely deserves the truth and then she can make her choices.
All this crap about dropping a bomb into her ex affair partners family, the husband has been living a double life, he’s the one who detonated the bomb when he made his choice to lie everyday and cheat on his wife and family. That double life will have already affected his family and his marriage and his poor unsuspecting wife will no doubt be questioning where she is going wrong in the marriage.

This.

It's the OPs desire to hurt the woman rather than enable her to make an informed decision.

It's the total lack of regard she had for all the kids and the wife and her husband too. And the continued lack of consideration for even her own children in that shed like to have a full on drama with her at the centre getting revenge rather than really thinking and centring the wellbeing of any other party.

She is dressing up her desire for revenge as being in the woman's best interests when this isn't remotely her motivation.

We see the OPs motivation here before the arguments about what the wife should or shouldn't know. And that's what's really really ugly. It's a secondary desire not only to have had the affair and shit all over the wife but to then go back and deliberately hurt her to make the OP feel better for having an affair with a shit head.

The OP is selfish and self centred even now. She isn't thinking of the wife. Or the kids.

I would have laughed at that if it wasn't so absolutely tragic. You can't be so dense as to think that, after a whole twelve months of this going on, somebody doesn't know or at least think they know about it. You'll have been the subject of gossip and sniggering and knowing looks behind your back. Indiscreet talk is how children pick things up and they don't keep things to themselves. But if, by some miracle they haven't found out about it that way, kids pick up on atmosphere very easily and your kids will absolutely know there's something wrong at home. I suspect your husband has his suspicions too. You said "my marriage has suffered badly as a result [of the affair]". You said "my marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face". You mentioned that you can't look your husband in the face. All that unhappiness and tension going on around them every day for a year and you honestly believe that you haven't damaged your poor children already? Don't compound all the awful things you've done by sticking your head in the sand as well.

My friend thought her DD didn't know anything as well.

She was having an affair with an instructor at DD's hobby. The session was a couple of hours and she'd stay the whole time flirting and chatting to this bloke at every opportunity.

She tried to explain it by saying two hours was a long time to leave DD alone at the hobby. DD was 17 years old! She actually thought she could do that unnoticed. Unbelievable.

@RedToothBrush She is dressing up her desire for revenge as being in the woman's best interests when this isn't remotely her motivation.

No she’s not. OP said very clearly she wants to tell DW to expose and punish OM. Ie for revenge.

However, regardless of OP’s motivation, both his DW and her DH and deserve to know the truth.

I’d much rather be told by a vengeful OW than no-one at all.

Well we disagree then.

You disagree the innocent parties deserve to know?

Yeah, I can guarantee the kids as a minimum know something isn't right. And may well be dealing with playground rumours

Agreed, sad though it is. If a man was spouting the OPs story he’d be told he was practically a rapist for taking away the wife’s sexual safety and agency if he didn’t tell her.

It’s very sad that two families are going to have to work around custody thanks to a slapdash dick and the school gates bunny boiler but that’s life for you.

He is using you OP..he probaby just wanted sex on the side because it was exciting. He is now keeping you sweet by pretending their is an emotional connection so you won't tell anyone. Probably more BS. Please don't tell his wife nothing is her fault. Block him and take his power away

I actually agree you should tell her. I wish someone had told me about my husband’s 3 year affair and was actually grateful when it all eventually came out.
The truth hurt, of course it did, but it was better than ignorance.
And yes, we had young kids.