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Original poster

I had an affair and I want my affair partner to be discovered

680 replies

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:47

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:03

BoulevardOfBrokenSleep · 30/08/2026 16:00

Agree with this

What do you mean when you say your marriage has suffered, you've been snappy and run out on your family a lot?
Do you actually want to stay in your marriage, or do you feel like the affair was your way out (even subconsciously)?

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My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together. That means that in all likelihood my husband will leave me, and (selfishly) I can’t bear the thought of my AP being allowed to carry on happily with his phoney life while mine implodes.

OP posts:
Baldrapunzel · 30/08/2026 16:03

Bet you wouldn't be considering telling her if the affair was ongoing - you're just miffed he ended it with you, and you want revenge. Don't be that person.

TomatoGlut · 30/08/2026 16:03

"It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good"

Since when did you care about what was 'good' for the woman whose husband you've been fucking?

Original poster
Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:04

ShitHoleDweller · 30/08/2026 16:03

Your marriage will fall apart and his won’t, even if you tell her. Find a way to save your marriage and focus on that.

Why won’t his marriage fall apart but mine will?

OP posts:
NearlyNewNonny · 30/08/2026 16:04

HRTFT, but where was you conscience when you decided to shag someone else's DH? especially when you knew he had a DW young DC.

TomatoGlut · 30/08/2026 16:04

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:03

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together. That means that in all likelihood my husband will leave me, and (selfishly) I can’t bear the thought of my AP being allowed to carry on happily with his phoney life while mine implodes.

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Now is the time to stop being selfish.

Dumbledora8 · 30/08/2026 16:05

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:03

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together. That means that in all likelihood my husband will leave me, and (selfishly) I can’t bear the thought of my AP being allowed to carry on happily with his phoney life while mine implodes.

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I don't think you could be any more selfish if you tried

Uricon2 · 30/08/2026 16:05

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:58

I know it’s selfish and vindictive of me to be thinking this way. That’s why I haven’t acted on it. I agree I’m a terrible and nasty person.

It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told. Is there a way I can let her know anonymously, without any horrible face to face confrontation? I don’t know.

If the affair were ongoing, the last thing you'd want is for her to find out, you couldn't care less about her wellbeing. Are you hoping that she'll dump him and he'll return to you? Own it and deal with your own marriage.

pearlsclutchedhard · 30/08/2026 16:05

Can I ask, why and what led you to have an affair? How did you think it would end?

Original poster
Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:05

Baldrapunzel · 30/08/2026 16:03

Bet you wouldn't be considering telling her if the affair was ongoing - you're just miffed he ended it with you, and you want revenge. Don't be that person.

Maybe you’re right. I want revenge. Badly. And I know that’s a vindictive, unhealthy way to feel. I feel it though and it’s destroying me.

OP posts:
ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2026 16:06

Such a massive hypocrite to be thinking of telling his wife before your own husband. It’s literally all about you you you isn’t it. At least the AP has the decency to mind his own business now it’s over

MyManinCaracas · 30/08/2026 16:07

Then being destroyed is your medicine; take it like a grown up and don’t destroy everyone else’s life.

Marycontrarygarden · 30/08/2026 16:07

Absolutely not!

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2026 16:07

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:05

Maybe you’re right. I want revenge. Badly. And I know that’s a vindictive, unhealthy way to feel. I feel it though and it’s destroying me.

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Revenge for what? You are as bad as him, arguably worse for your vindictive attitude despite your actions being your own fault.

Marycontrarygarden · 30/08/2026 16:07

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:58

I know it’s selfish and vindictive of me to be thinking this way. That’s why I haven’t acted on it. I agree I’m a terrible and nasty person.

It isn’t entirely selfish, though. I do want her to know the truth for her own good too - I know that if I were in her position, I would want to be told. Is there a way I can let her know anonymously, without any horrible face to face confrontation? I don’t know.

No. You want to tell her for selfish reasons. Stop.

TomatoGlut · 30/08/2026 16:08

"I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions."

Haven't you also 'got away with it' and not taken any accountability for your actions?

Original poster
Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:08

ToKittyornottoKitty · 30/08/2026 16:07

Revenge for what? You are as bad as him, arguably worse for your vindictive attitude despite your actions being your own fault.

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Revenge that he doesn’t seem to have the same guilt that I do - that he can just go back to his wife and kids and live a happy life - while I can’t look mine in the eyes.

OP posts:
MargaretMeldrew · 30/08/2026 16:08

How would you feel if your affair partner told your husband and took the decision out of your hands? The only time I think it’s right to tell the spouse of an affair partner about the cheating is when you’re a victim yourself and didn’t know the other person was married. You knew he was married and you’re married yourself. Honestly, best sort out your own relationship and leave him to his. What a mess.

Boomer55 · 30/08/2026 16:08

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 15:47

Had an affair with a married man who has young children. I’m also married with young children.

Since it ended recently, he has gone back to his wife and kids and is living happily like nothing ever happened. I know his wife to say hi to as our kids are at the same school. Everytime I see her it kills me. I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions.

These feelings are made worse by the fact that my marriage has suffered so badly as a result. I haven’t yet told my husband, but I know I am going to have to if I want any chance of saving the marriage. I can’t continue living dishonestly for the rest of our lives. I assume he will (rightly) want to divorce me. Everything inside me wants to tell my affair partner’s wife what has happened so that he can experience the pain I am experiencing. The bitterness I am feeling is so strong. I want him to be exposed. Should I tell her?

You both chose to have an affair. Yours has ended badly, his hasn’t. Leave them be now, and sort out your life. Neither of you have any moral high ground.

Pinkchickenwine · 30/08/2026 16:09

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:03

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together. That means that in all likelihood my husband will leave me, and (selfishly) I can’t bear the thought of my AP being allowed to carry on happily with his phoney life while mine implodes.

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You’re almost trying to make it sound like you’ve got decent morals….

Which is clearly not the case!

KiwiFall · 30/08/2026 16:09

Haven’t you done enough damage? You should tell your husband. Your AP should tell his wife, but his marriage is none of your business. Sort your own house out.

Martymcfly24 · 30/08/2026 16:09

You obviously knew he was married when you started this affair and he did not deceive you. You have no right to feel angry or want revenge, the relationship is over what he does with his life is none of your business now. Anything that happens from here on out will make you look petty and pathetic and something that will follow you round for the rest of your life.
Hope your revenge will be worth that.

Alittlefrustrated · 30/08/2026 16:09

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:04

Why won’t his marriage fall apart but mine will?

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Because women are more likely to accept and try to make things work, and it seems he wants to be in the marriage.
Women also more likely to feel trapped in a marriage - financially etc
Women are more likely to put their children's stability and happiness before their own.
Cheated on men not so much.

TheJoyousHiker · 30/08/2026 16:09

Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:03

My marriage has suffered because I find it so difficult lying to his face. I’ve never cheated before and I don’t think I’m going to be able to live with the guilt if we stay together. That means that in all likelihood my husband will leave me, and (selfishly) I can’t bear the thought of my AP being allowed to carry on happily with his phoney life while mine implodes.

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You’ve been lying to your husband since you first slept with this man. It didn’t bother you too much then or it would have stopped. Did you feel guilty then or did the guilt just start after your affair partner ended it or he didn’t want to leave his wife for you.

How will you feel if you tell his wife and she stays in her marriage and your DH leaves you ? How do you know she doesn’t know already ?

Poor you, your marriage suffering because you’ve lied to your DH. You weren’t happy in your marriage or you wouldn’t have had an affair. The kindest thing you could do is leave your DH and leave the other man’s family alone.

Original poster
Gemitf · 30/08/2026 16:09

TomatoGlut · 30/08/2026 16:08

"I can’t bear knowing that he has ‘got away with it’ and hasn’t taken any accountability for his actions."

Haven't you also 'got away with it' and not taken any accountability for your actions?

If I tell my husband, I’ll be destroying both families, not just my own, as I don’t see him keeping the information to himself. I don’t know what to do.

OP posts: