How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

Sorry to be miserable but you never know what is round the corner. I had a client devastated she didn’t take a dream trip with her partner due to her elderly mother he then died unexpectedly.

Also now you have the idea and the impetus you will be so resentful if you don’t go and host yet again that you may blow up and that would really damage the relationship.

You are not responsible for your mother’s Christmas arrangements or happiness . It’s your time now to break the routine of her coming otherwise you could end up having her for years to come . Tbh very few people would fetch and return someone that distance anyway never mind for a two week stay .

@Cleverchops please come back after Christmas and update us. It’s liberating making people realise you aren’t a bloody doormat.

Just out of interest, how often do you see her during the year if you live 5 hours away?

Id probably consider a different option this year ( to break the pattern) and then abroad next year.

Given the distance, you could consider driving up a couple of days before Xmas, pick up mum, stay all together in a nice hotel near her. Hotel Xmas dinner, drop back the day after Boxing Day.

Shed have had Xmas with you, but none of the hosting issues. And then think about going away for new years!

Yes I think that would be a good compromise… you could then fly to your holiday destination from an airport nearer your mother

Going abroad this year will break the pattern! That's what OP and her family want to do, they should do it.

Two weeks is about ten days too long for a house guest, even if it were the Christ Child Himself.

Tell her soon so she can make other plans.

How old is your mum. It sounds a horrendous journey by car but could another relative take her to local airport or train station and you meet her at the other end? You need to involve other family members and narrow the stay to a long weekend at your with perhaps another family member collecting her for a further stay with them . 2 weeks is too much..

My mum has been on her own for over 30 years and largely managed on public transport until about age 85 but now won't use it. I'm only 1.5 drive hours away and my sister is 2 hours away but still still find it time consuming to do a same day trip.

I have recently started take her to see my sister once year but we only stay a weekend in the summer as I don't like driving in the dark. A week would be too much for everyone.

Our wider family Christmases has been wound down over last 20 years and 25th December is a non event in her calendar . Her grandchildren are all grown up and she never had much time for them when they were little. She has great grandchildren now but when I took my grandchildren ( her 3 great grandchildren) to visit she looked annoyed rather than delighted to see them . She is also difficult to entertain and often refuses to wear her hearing aid which is frustrating for us all.

You can only do what you can reasonably fit it with the entirety of your family and friendships. You rmum is expecting too much. I visit mum on Christmas eve and take a nice food hamper and some wine. My brother sees her boxing day. My sister never comes. My mum sometimes spends christmas day itself with a friend of hers but sometimes on her own and I feel guilty about that but I just can't do it all. She has a big Christmas lunch in the week before Christmas day at her local church women's group which she enjoys more than family gatherings.

Start making changes over the whole year , and involve the wider family and her own friends in her transport issues if she can't use public transport with assistance at either end of the journey..

I agree with many pp: book the holiday, tell her as a fait accompli. I think the key is to do it soon, because you said the guilt and the thought of telling her is making you ill. Also key is not apologising. You are doing nothing wrong.

I’m appalled that she stays for 2 weeks, that’s horrific. I’d kill my ‘d’m after a couple of days. Mine also lives at the other end of the country and refused to get on a direct train. She would be placed in her seat by my uncle and taken off the train by me at the other end and can afford First class. Apparently, she lacks confidence and being taken by car (5 hours) would work.

I’m team @Cleverchops

My mother is trying to negotiate herself into a similar situation except l have 2 toddlers and it’s 12-14 hours of driving. She also just wants to sit there being hosted and entertained. It’s a hard no and doesn’t have the same expectations of my brothers 🙄. Go for the holiday. It’s only august and she can make her own plans

Hmm how convenient that it would work and she would have to make no effort!

Don't engage with the idiot minority, OP and don't be chased off by them either.

If you can get support and help dealing with this from the majority here, don't let the few run you off.

you have every right to post and I do think people could help you prepare the best way to broach this with Mum and be ready with measured responses to push back.

People don't owe you agreement, obviously, but there are always a few wanting to provoke at the moment and they are best ignored.

really hope you manage to sort this early so you can book something lovely and actually look forward to it.x.

Yes this! I have 3 brothers but it was always on me for parental Xmasses. They got sent good wishes.

Is she well enough to travel with you, with her own friend so you don't have to be with her all the time? One option.
Another is to get your adult kids to help more, so not everything is on you.
I get it's hard, because much as we want to do our own thing, if anything happened to them we'd feel guilty. But it doesn't have to just be you doing everything constantly, compromise is possible.

My apologies Cleverchops. It was a knee jerk reaction.

Reflecting as you have asked me to do, I suppose my reaction was a very personal one. I have lost both my parents. My mother could certainly be annoying and difficult. But we organised Christmas for her as best we could.
I suppose we felt responsible for her. And also on behalf of my father. Who, if she had been left alone would, I know would have been ashamed of us. He was old fashioned in that way.
We knew we would also inherit from her and felt it was the least we could do.

So I reacted from a personal angle. I am not an only sibling as you are. The circumstances are different .
I should recognise things which press my button in future. And any suggestion should have mentioned seeing her either side of Xmas, and the conclusion you have come to.
I am sorry for any hurt caused. And wish you the best.

It's not very often we see this kind of open and measured response to push back on here @Monty36

Fair play for your honesty and vulnerability there.x.

I think OP will appreciate that.x.

Well, you just tell her that you're going to try a different approach to Christmas this year, because the usual way is stressing you out and making you not enjoy Christmas at all. You let her know that you plan a trip abroad, and that you're mentioning this to her so she has time to make alternative plans for Christmas this year.

Or, if you can stand it, maybe lay down your idea for what kind of Christmas your family is having this year and say she's welcome to join you in X country for Christmas if she's okay with your plans.

@Cleverchops The exhausting thing about being a people pleaser is that in prioritising the wants or expectations of one person, you may simultaneously be de-prioritising those of other loved ones, which in turn can result in you making additional efforts to please them in other ways. And that all leaves precious little space for your own needs.

As your dc grow into adults there may be fewer opportunities for you all to spend time on a wonderful Christmas holiday. This is a chance to prioritise their wishes and preferences, and possibly those of your dp. Please do it.

We have a similar but different situation with FIL (97) in a nursing home with advanced dementia. He is safe, he is well cared for but dh's siblings exert a lot of emotional pressure for dh to mark every occasion just in case it's FIL's last! However, this also impacts on our time and my time with other people - our dc, dgc, my dsis and her family. Last year we put our foot down and spent extended family time in Spain - 15 of us having a great time.

dh has been told in no uncertain terms that he was missing from last year's 'family' photo. No he wasn't he was in a different family photo! And tbh FIL had no idea it was Christmas.

If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, please do not guilt trip other family members into doing what you think is 'the right thing to do'. They are probably making some difficult decisions.

Ah the Tyranny of Christmas!

So many people don't do what they want to do at that time of year because of other people's expectations or because they feel obliged to continue doing it the way it's always been done.... it's so stifling.

Book your holiday OP and enjoy yourself - your mum will be OK

Enjoy Christmas your way @Cleverchops and do it guilt free.

YANBU.

Just make sure you have the conversation sooner rather that later, giving her plenty of time to sort something.

Realistically she needs to move nearer you.

Nooooo, why suggest the usual in January? If her mum asks, she can find a slot for her, but just delaying the problem doesn't help.

As other PP suggest, bright and breezy and nudge in the direction of other family.