How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

[Cleverchops]

My mum is widowed and lives the other end of the country to us and since my dad passed away she expects for us to pick her up (won’t use public transport) this entails an overnight stay and 10 hours of driving - she stays two weeks then one of us has to do the hideous return journey.
My children are older still at home one at uni - they have their own things going on; my mum just sits on her iPad with the volume up not lifting a finger and not wanting to join in anything unless involves going out for a meal.
I have never enjoyed Xmas mostly because my needs were put last, I always made a huge effort for my own children. I was looking forward to this point when the kids were older to ring the changes and go abroad - now my mum thinks her coming to us is happening every year. (They didn’t come to us when the kids were little when I actually wanted them to)
i feel depressed and guilty but I can’t stand it!
The thought of going away fills me with joy and the kids would come with us this year!
My mum could maybe go to another relative but this will cause so much resentment from my mum who has never put herself out for us.
I am so over Xmas and want to do my own thing whilst fit and healthy.
i know I need a conversation how do I go about it?
There are a lot of back issues but I won’t go into them.
Any advice welcome - I am a kind and supportive person but I had an epiphany and want to do what I want for a change.
Also hosting someone for Xmas day is a whole different ball game to serving someone’s needs for over two weeks, the whole break with added hideous driving!

Thank you for taking the time to reply and I'm genuinely sorry that OP's post upset you. I'd hate for my mum to be alone on Christmas day too. I think that OP's post suggests total exhaustion. I'm guessing she's in her fifties and has reached the utterly fed up point. OP may be juggling a stressful job and does have other calls on her time and may be longing for a pause. From her post her mum sounds like a terrible guest who does nothing for a fortnight. My own mum picks up a tea towel, turns the roast potatoes etc and generally pitches in but OP's mum has done none of that for years. And when she could have travelled independently refused to. To a degree OP's mother is reaping what she's sown sadly.

No! Dont guiltily explain it away as if you're doing something wrong, you're not. Just present it as am exciting thing for you that you've long put off.
You are not responsible for her.

If all this is true then it's a very fair point, but it may well not be! My mother is 67, won't get a train to see me (a direct 4 hour train) because "she doesn't understand trains".

To be fair, I am mid/late 60s with grown up children. I have DH and a little fantasy about spending Christmas in bed with a bottle of champagne, a sude of smoked salmon and Netflicks. When I am 80+ I shall be very happy to spend a quiet Christmas with my own bed upstairs. Might get up and dressed for Mass.

Whilst we spend Xmas separately with our own mum's now, the little buggers will insist on coming to stay for birthdays.amd other festivals.

Op can you be honest with her ?
Say the drive is horrendous and when she is there she doesn't seem to want to be and you would like to go away for Xmas ?

I've been there. If you don't make a stand now, it will get more difficult as time passes. My mother was similar to yours and I quickly realised that I was going to have to accept this, or make other arrangements. Having spent one miserable Christmas with her when she planned nothing, even expecting me to take decisions on whether or not other people were invited over for coffee, I went abroad every year.

I agree book the holiday. Your mum has had her whole life to plan for Xmas. She chooses to live 10 hours from you. I have one child and fully accept that once she gets to a young adult she will probably want to do her own thing at Xmas. I hope I’ll see her some years though. I’m already thinking of spending Xmas in the Caribbean on the years she has plans….

can you speak to the relatives you think she might be able to join? Otherwise I’d be straight with her, agree to meet up before or after, get her some nice Xmas bits and if she can’t cook I’m sure there are many charities in the local area (there is in mine) that offer free Xmas meals for the elderly.

Well yes, there is an assumption that mum wants to be there. Indeed, she may find it overwhelming and might prefer an early Xmas visit to her for a day or two then being left to her own devices.

Have your Christmas holiday abroad, you've earned it!

Her feelings are not your responsibility, don’t treat them as if they are. You should be supportive and respectful if you want a close relationship but you don’t have to change your plans to accommodate her. Could it be that she’s on her iPad because she doesn’t know how to engage/operate within your family environment, as she’s not been in it much? It doesn’t come naturally to everyone

I'd put the warnings out now. "Mum, we're taking a break from the normal Christmas this year and doing a holiday with the DC before their lives change too much to want to do things like this with us. Do you want to ask X or Y about going to them instead this time?"

I'm having a lot of conflict with DH over Christmas already as he's just sick of us hosting every year and being more and more worn out with it as time goes on.

• on the note of trains I can't cope with them now as a relatively fit 50 year old. @girljulian recent experinces train cancelled ,no one knows what's going on, packed heaving platforms because people flooding in and not going anywhere. All told to go over bridge for another train , dangeous rush /.many elderly couldn't make it then that train didn't go anywhere etc . People told to come back over to our side of was utterly horrendous Second time again trains cancelled we had to get a train 20 miles from where we live and get a taxi . My Df used to get the train to see me and again the lack of care and help for elderly man was awful and again thrown off trains with.no lifts and expected to get to platforms fast He couldn't. Lastly at the moment the lack of air con /breaking down and no loos.

So as an elderly person i wouldn't be gerting trains but I wouldn't expect anyone to drive ten hours to me.
Maybe a comprise with a taxi or even a bus half way. Bus have loos at least !

The thing is these elderly people won't look for alternavites if they don't need to.

Bless.

I'd feel too guilty to not offer to see her at all, but two weeks, and door to door service? No.

Absolutely this. Please make sure she's not on her own on Christmas Day, if at all possible (you mentioned other relatives)?

I can see how difficult this feels for you when a precedent seems to have been set over the years and you are a kind enough person to recognise that it is hard to be on your own as a widow at Christmas.
The travel is a major factor here. That's a lot of driving.... and a long stay.
I am on the other end of this .... I am widowed and live alone which is not at all what I would have chosen. One of my DDs always hosts Xmas for the whole family because she has a large home. But I do worry that it is a big undertaking for them and do not want it to be a general expectation.

Could you entertain mum on another occasion instead and arrange for mum to stay with this other relative for Xmas? Or maybe for the future find a way of getting her onto a train or coach. Passenger Assist on the railways is highly efficient and free.

Christmas is a weird thing .... in the main most people are not practising Christians but set great store by it. So one option might be for you to have your holiday ... but maybe at another time when you would not be subject to ripoff prices! ... just a thought.

I think I’d look at a compromise, host DM for a shorter time at Christmas, return her (asking one of the DCs to accompany on the train as PP has suggested) and then go on holiday for the New Year. It is the 10 hour drive x 2 and two full weeks that would push me over the edge. 1 week and 1 drive, rewarded by a holiday at the end seems fair, and also means DM can’t guilt trip the OP and potentially ruin a holiday over Christmas with a real or imagined crisis. The other benefit of this is that flights can be cheaper between Christmas and New Year.

Just accept she will be upset and put out and there will be fall out. Once you accept this will happen, it will be easier.

My suggestion would be to look into booking a hotel near your Mum for a weekend before Christmas, maybe book a room for her too if funds allow. You get to spend "quality" time together for two days with meals served - exchange gifts, see if there are Carol services or a local theatre with a show. Make it an experience.

Book your Christmas holiday away. Yes, say it's something your DH has booked as a treat. Be excited for it - if she moans then it's clearly her being selfish and self absorbed. I love Christmas away -

As to others comments about the 80 year old Mum being selfish for not doing public transport at Christmas to her DD family for what must be a 5+ journey which may involve train / platform changes - without even thinking about train delays over Christmas due to weather or whatever - frankly, that's nuts. Luggage, loo breaks, food and drinks for a woman in her 80's - no, it's really unfair to suggest it. A five hour one-way drive in comfort with stops for lunch and loo is way more practical. Repeat two weeks later. Once a year for Christmas. OP - you would be very unreasonable to even consider this as an option for your Mum.

You are having a midlife awakening!

Book the holiday, and then tell her.

re Mischance's comment:
"Could you entertain mum on another occasion instead and arrange for mum to stay with this other relative for Xmas? Or maybe for the future find a way of getting her onto a train or coach. Passenger Assist on the railways is highly efficient and free".

OPS mother will never get on a train. She is far too important and entitled to do that and simply expects her long suffering daughter to do it. Daughter to her mind should not have a life of her own; she has been trained by her mother to put her own needs dead last with mother's needs first.

And as for she visiting OP at another time of year I would refer you to Mingou's reply which I have pasted:

"No! Dont guiltily explain it away as if you're doing something wrong, you're not. Just present it as an exciting thing for you that you've long put off.
You are not responsible for her."

Book it, then tell her (so she can’t change your mind.) “Mum, I wanted to let you know that we are going away for Christmas this year. I wanted to let you know in good time so you can make other plans.”

Then don’t say anything else beyond perhaps “We wanted to give the children the experience of Christmas abroad” even if she pushes you to.

Telling her in August gives her ample time to invite another relative to her house or make her own plan to go away. Her plan is not your responsibility. If she takes the path of martyrdom alone that is not your responsibility either.

Speak to a relative first that can host her. Then book

I fully empathise with you, OP - I have spent years of my life prioritising my mum, but have found that the more I do for her, the more I put her first - the more she wants and expects it, to the point where my life was meaningless, my sense of self was lost and my mental health was through the floor. I joined an online forum for adults with elderly parents and it has been a revelation. I've come to recognise that; my mother is more capable than she wants to let on. She is an adult with her own freewill and responsibility for her own life. I have to prioritise myself, as no-one else will. EVERYONE'S time on Earth is limited - prioritising someone else over yourself makes no sense.
As such, OP, my advice to you is this - book the holiday, then tell her all about it when you next speak. Nothing else. No - "sorry about Christmas", no attempts to rectify anything or plan anything else on her behalf. She is capable of doing that for herself. Do NOT let her make you feel guilty! And have a wonderful time on your Christmas abroad with your children :)

Any sympathy I may have had for your Mum disappeared when you said ‘she won’t use public transport’…….