How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

[Cleverchops]

My mum is widowed and lives the other end of the country to us and since my dad passed away she expects for us to pick her up (won’t use public transport) this entails an overnight stay and 10 hours of driving - she stays two weeks then one of us has to do the hideous return journey.
My children are older still at home one at uni - they have their own things going on; my mum just sits on her iPad with the volume up not lifting a finger and not wanting to join in anything unless involves going out for a meal.
I have never enjoyed Xmas mostly because my needs were put last, I always made a huge effort for my own children. I was looking forward to this point when the kids were older to ring the changes and go abroad - now my mum thinks her coming to us is happening every year. (They didn’t come to us when the kids were little when I actually wanted them to)
i feel depressed and guilty but I can’t stand it!
The thought of going away fills me with joy and the kids would come with us this year!
My mum could maybe go to another relative but this will cause so much resentment from my mum who has never put herself out for us.
I am so over Xmas and want to do my own thing whilst fit and healthy.
i know I need a conversation how do I go about it?
There are a lot of back issues but I won’t go into them.
Any advice welcome - I am a kind and supportive person but I had an epiphany and want to do what I want for a change.
Also hosting someone for Xmas day is a whole different ball game to serving someone’s needs for over two weeks, the whole break with added hideous driving!

Where are you planning to go? Would it work as a week long trip - say you go away for Chrstmas and go and visit her for New Year. Then even if she is on her own, its only for a few days, and she can be proactive and go to a church lunch or something. It she of an age where she is still independently mobile, has friends etc? It might start to change the dynamic a bit at least.

This is a good way of doing it. Focus on your excitement.

I love my mum and do like her on some level - it’s just very awkward and the distance makes it worse. I am an only child so everything falls on me and with other life commitments it just feels like too much at the moment.

Please book the holiday !!!!
your desperation to do this oozes from your post
a joyless 2 weeks of hard graft with an ungrateful mum ??
Just do it

Been there got the T-shirt OP - we ended up the de facto Xmas host for both my mum, an ageing great aunt and my PILs despite both DH and I having siblings. We had one Christmas where my DH and I were run ragged and his parents stayed for 10 days. On Xmas day all the older people sat at my dining table waited on hand and foot whilst they pontificated about the lazy youth of today. The following year we went to New York.

I didn’t ask or apologise. In the October I just said “ooohh guess what I’ve just booked, we’re going to New York for Christmas”. I felt horrendous before hand, but not one of them had the balls to complain. They all managed to find alternative places to go as you would expect of fully grown adults. Book the holiday, squash the guilt and do not apologise or ask what she is going to do. Good Luck!

Just tell her straightforwardly that you are going away this year. Maybe offer to stay at hers/nearby for a weekend in early December to go out for a nice meal or theatre trip or take her to a Christmas market or concert.

This, book your holiday what will happen is she might grump and moan you will say you will be fine mum., and she will be.

OMG that’s awful! Glad you broke the chain!

If you're absolutely sure that she would never travel abroad, I would invite her to come. She will decline, she can't say you didn't offer?

@Cleverchops Do you have any relatives who live near to your dm that you could talk to and see if they could have your dm on Christmas Day or at least visit?

It’s hard being an only dc, having said that I’m one of 6 and have had my dm more than my siblings but I do warn them if I can’t do a Christmas and one of them will invite her.

Book the holiday! Its August so she has plenty of time to prepare for other Xmas plans, if you were my daughter I’d tell you to go.

Expect her to feel sad at first. No-one likes a sudden change of routine at that age - but give her plenty of notice and she will make other arrangements. She's allowed to feel sad for a while, but she will cope, and will then have discovered that she has a good back up in case you can't host again, another year. It's not good to have all of your eggs in one basket - and not fair on you, too.

Your mum has (probably all of your life) been putting unreasonable demands on you. Feel some anger about that, get rid of the guilt. So what if she’s resentful of your plans? A good mother would just want her child to be happy and she doesn’t give a shit about that does she?

Stop the pick ups.. ‘mum, DH and I haven’t the time or energy to come and pick you up. Here is your best route on public transport’

book the holiday and tell her soon .. but after it is a done deal ‘ mum, DH and I have booked to go to X with the kids for Christmas this year. Letting you know early so you can make alternative arrangements. Let’s have our traditional Christmas in January instead’

Just seen your update. I’d try and see her for a few days before Christmas if she wouldn’t be up for going abroad.

Bloody hell you've done your duty and then some. I wouldn't be driving 10+ hours to spend Christmas with someone on their terms when they never bothered when the children were small. Not even once. And then she doesn't even make the most of the time with the family after all that effort you make to have her there!
Book the tickets, guilt free.

I agree - book it so that it's a done deal with dates and location. Do this soon, because a lot of people start making their Christmas plans in Sept and if you want someone else to host your DM you need to give her time to sort it out with them. Are there relatives that live closer to her who could host her for the day?

I can totally see why you find the usual arrangement so draining and inconvenient - an unhelpful, lazy and entitled houseguest who stays for two weeks is most people's idea of hell! I would use this Christmas as an opportunity to reset the arrangement going forward - let her know that you will sometimes go away and break her expectation that she will always be coming to you. ATM you're making a rod for your back, so if you want some flexibility in future years you're going to have to have the difficult conversation. If you want some scripts, ask, I'm sure MNers will be happy to help!

This - invite her abroad for Christmas, you say she won't go, but you are going. That should sort it out. No lies - you are going abroad and she won't want to.

Why on earth won’t she use public transport? With taxis to and from stations if needed?

It’s downright selfish to expect anyone to do a 10 hour return trip.

A relative of mine is over 80 with an extremely frail OH, but she didn’t think twice about ordering a cab to take them to the port for their short cruise recently.

Put yourself first. If your mum doesn't like it, let her sulk. Life is too short to spend it keeping others happy

It’s the 6th of august - book it and tell her. Ample time for her to make other arrangements if she wants - it’s not like you are dropping this on her on 15th December!
Then arrange a date to go up there, lovely hotel for a couple of nights and take her out for “Christmas dinner” at a restaurant or whatever suits. You can’t live your life to suit someone else OP and unless you are very religious, is Christmas really that different to any other holiday.
Don’t invite her on the holiday, she might say yes and that’ll be worse than Christmas at home!

Hi Op - so at the heart of learning to be assertive is accepting that other peoples reaction is not within your control.

You decide what you want to do - you then be as clear, kind and calm as possible - but you can't control that your mum may be upset.

You will have spent a lifetime fretting/worrying/ trying to control your mothers reactions - for whatever reason - probably based in your own childhood.

Your mother will be using that as a tool to control you.

You need to let go of her reaction. Yes, she will be unhappy. Once you accept that you can move on and do what you want to do.