How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

[Cleverchops]

My mum is widowed and lives the other end of the country to us and since my dad passed away she expects for us to pick her up (won’t use public transport) this entails an overnight stay and 10 hours of driving - she stays two weeks then one of us has to do the hideous return journey.
My children are older still at home one at uni - they have their own things going on; my mum just sits on her iPad with the volume up not lifting a finger and not wanting to join in anything unless involves going out for a meal.
I have never enjoyed Xmas mostly because my needs were put last, I always made a huge effort for my own children. I was looking forward to this point when the kids were older to ring the changes and go abroad - now my mum thinks her coming to us is happening every year. (They didn’t come to us when the kids were little when I actually wanted them to)
i feel depressed and guilty but I can’t stand it!
The thought of going away fills me with joy and the kids would come with us this year!
My mum could maybe go to another relative but this will cause so much resentment from my mum who has never put herself out for us.
I am so over Xmas and want to do my own thing whilst fit and healthy.
i know I need a conversation how do I go about it?
There are a lot of back issues but I won’t go into them.
Any advice welcome - I am a kind and supportive person but I had an epiphany and want to do what I want for a change.
Also hosting someone for Xmas day is a whole different ball game to serving someone’s needs for over two weeks, the whole break with added hideous driving!

Just accept she will be upset and put out and there will be fall out. Once you accept this will happen, it will be easier. - I think the OP actually cares about whether her mum is upset, for sound and humane reasons that reflect well on her. Hence the OP's dilemma - if she did not care then there would be no problem; most people would care and be looking for a way to reduce the upset.

OPS mother will never get on a train. She is far too important and entitled to do that and simply expects her long suffering daughter to do it. Daughter to her mind should not have a life of her own; she has been trained by her mother to put her own needs dead last with mother's needs first. ..... well that's a bit of an extrapolation from a sensible OP reflecting how she might deal with her wish to go away for Christmas whilst also recognising that this might be difficult for her mum. As others have pointed out, the train system in the UK is not exactly a walk in the park for someone in their 80s and there are sound reasons why she might feel reluctant to do this that do not involve psychopathology or feeling she is "important and entitled" and wishes her DD to have no life of her own. A 5 hour drive is likely to be much longer on the train with changes and waiting times.

There will be a compromise to be found and I am sure the OP is working on that now.

No-one thinks OP is unreasonable to wish to go away for Christmas; nor is she unreasonable to consider how this might impact on her mum - this is simply how any decent human being would feel. We all have to consider those around us and our families.

OP, you need to put yourselves first while you have a chance.

I have noticed that the most people pleasing people are often surrounded by the most selfish.

Your mother has chosen herself for decades and you have tolerated it.

You need to put this precious time with your young adult children first.

My friend didn't. She allowed herself to be guilted by both parents for years and did the whole full Christmas thing because she felt she had no choice.
Both sets of parents dominated the whole holiday.
Her children never brought friends back and went to the houses of friends when living at home.

Then when they went to university they started accepting invitations to go to the houses of friends.

Now they have careers they go on holidays.
All the parents are in nursing homes and she and her husband had a very quiet Christmas on their own last year, as their kids were all off with friends.
She confided in me last January her regret.
They have no happy connection with home for Christmas as it was dominated by demanding grandparents.

These years fly by and as adult children built their own lives, being all together can become a logistical challenge.

Its really ok to say this is my time with them and prioritise it above everything and everyone.

Please go away with you family - they grow up too soon and this opportunity might not come often. And most of all - don't feel guilty, as that will spoil your joy!! I hope you have a wonderful time. Go and don't look back.
P.S. My adoptive siblings (I was the adopted one) both wanted to go away at Christmas when their father was 72, but turned down the chance 'in case it was his last'. This went on for 27 years till he was 99. They never went away and he never appreciated their sacrifice! He was a selfish miserable man!!

op wants to go away and she should do so regardless of how her mother will kick off. I do not know the mother but know the type and my mil behaves similarly ie entitled, has an exaggerated sense of importance and won’t put herself out for anyone.Why do you think the op had people pleasing behaviour?. That’s due to her mother.

Op has stated that her mother will never use public transport . That point was in her initial post.

Put yourself first for once and try to do it without guilt - life can’t all be about pleasing other people and a 10 hour drive sound’s horrendous! No way would I expect my adult kids to travel that far to see me at Christmas.

would you consider inviting her on the holiday?

God no. Don't do this.

Great, that's completely normal! I grew up with grandparents who lived 3-4 hours away and we only ever did Christmas at our own home but would go to visit these relatives earlier in December for "fake Christmas" complete with crackers, silly party games, a big roast meal, carols etc. Enjoy your Christmas away with your children.

inviting ops mother on the holiday?!.

Goodness me no no and no again!.

Book it
Tell her.

Exactly.
Dominating selfish people often raise people pleasers, from birth.

Menopause is sometimes the catalyst for an awakening.
But if you put your children last because of a domineering parent, you cannot be surprised if they put you last too.

Be very wary of making that mistake.
Your children will see your mother clearly and they will realise that she came ahead of them.

OP

You are too good for her and I dare say that your mother has never apologised nor has accepted any responsibility for her actions. I readily assume you have never and would never even consider testing your adult children in the ways your mother has with you.

It is ok to put yourself and your own children first and foremost now . However your mother has indeed taught you to believe differently.

Do what you want for Xmas. It’s your turn now. Please dont feel guilty.

You never get this time back OP. You never know how long someone has got left.

I would tell her 'if you'd like to visit let me know dates you're free and we'll see what works for us', if you're happy to host her for a couple of days with her travelling to you. Only if you're genuinely fine with that though. Don't put yourself out if that wouldn't suit you.

I wouldn't even bother with the faff of making it a huge deal by making a point of telling her. Just wait until nearer the time and if she brings it up say the above. You need to drop the rope and let go of the idea that the default is now your mum coming to yours for ages every Christmas, at your expense and hours spent driving.

Keep it light and airy, and be a boring grey rock if she starts trying to guilt trip. 'Oh no, nothing's wrong, we just fancied doing our own thing this year!'

I'm a Mum of adult children . I. would never expect my kids to drive all that way to pick me up , let alone stay with them for 2 weeks ! I'm 75 and have cancer but I'd never be that selfish . Book your holiday , tell her in time for her to sort herself out .

If you've definitely decided to go, but your only concern is breaking it to your mum, could you get your DH and DC on board with telling her a white lie? Tell her you are so excited to tell her that you entered a competition/bought some raffle tickets and were amazed to be told you have won a holiday for 4 you to go to Paris/Milan/Miami over Christmas.

Then when you get back, you could say you enjoyed it so much, you will be going away for Christmas every year, but perhaps the following year, you could holiday an hour or so from where she lives, so you can pop to see her on Christmas day.

I think you will find you should be ashamed of yourself!
some very bitter people here take a good look at yourself and ask why you would say what you did!

I’m going to leave the thread now - thank you to everyone who understands and had some good advice xx

Cleverchops · Today 10:52
There are some slightly passive aggressive replies 😳
As I have stated I love and like my mum that dosent alter the Xmas situation!
Thank you everyone for your replies and insights - I have decided I am going to go and will see mum before or after for mini Xmas xx

That sounds like a good compromise - well done for sorting something out. These situations are never easy where interests conflict.

I am quite shocked by some of the replies that seem to assume that your mum is a selfish controlling old mare rather than an elderly person dealing with the limitations that this brings. You are right to have taken her feelings into consideration - this does not make you a passive people pleaser as many have suggested, but simply a kind and thoughtful human being.

Have a lovely holiday. Does mum do whatsapp? - you could perhaps send lots of lovely pics and a greeting on the day. If she is not on Whatsapp yet, you have a few months to set it up for her and get her used to it.

OP when you say your mum would never get on public transport is this a known fact, has it been tested? While you are providing the lifts she doesn't need to push herself to travel independently but is it possible she might come out of her comfort zone if you became a bit less accommodating? Or this might it even precipitate considering moving closer to you? How you'd feel about that might be complicated.

20 hours' travelling is crazy when there are other options. Train companies have Passenger Assist services, you can meet her off the train, a taxi driver could see her safely to the station, she could get a taxi between London termini etc. There is a lot that can be done. None of which she will be motivated to do as long as you are doing this mammoth double trip.

psych out the other relative and ensure mum’s Christmas is secured with them. Then say: we’ve got a one off chance to go away with DCs this year but xxxx can’t wait to to host you and we’ll all come and see you in new year before DCs go back to uni.

or something like that!

I agree with this one, sound out a few relatives or her close friends that she could stay with first - so when you tell her she knows there will be options.

Have a wonderful trip - sounds like you've earned it

I agree book it now then let her know. Hopefully a friend or family member will host her.

Tell her in plenty of time and brace yourself for the pushback. I have a very demanding mother and the first time we went away for Xmas it was like WW3. I am and always have been a huge people pleaser, generally to my own detriment and I had just had enough. It was a lovely holiday 🙂

Here for an update. Book a holiday every year
she will have to have her own Christmas at home