How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

[Cleverchops]

My mum is widowed and lives the other end of the country to us and since my dad passed away she expects for us to pick her up (won’t use public transport) this entails an overnight stay and 10 hours of driving - she stays two weeks then one of us has to do the hideous return journey.
My children are older still at home one at uni - they have their own things going on; my mum just sits on her iPad with the volume up not lifting a finger and not wanting to join in anything unless involves going out for a meal.
I have never enjoyed Xmas mostly because my needs were put last, I always made a huge effort for my own children. I was looking forward to this point when the kids were older to ring the changes and go abroad - now my mum thinks her coming to us is happening every year. (They didn’t come to us when the kids were little when I actually wanted them to)
i feel depressed and guilty but I can’t stand it!
The thought of going away fills me with joy and the kids would come with us this year!
My mum could maybe go to another relative but this will cause so much resentment from my mum who has never put herself out for us.
I am so over Xmas and want to do my own thing whilst fit and healthy.
i know I need a conversation how do I go about it?
There are a lot of back issues but I won’t go into them.
Any advice welcome - I am a kind and supportive person but I had an epiphany and want to do what I want for a change.
Also hosting someone for Xmas day is a whole different ball game to serving someone’s needs for over two weeks, the whole break with added hideous driving!

My mother is in her mid 80s and travels by train to go to my brother's house at the other end of the country. She is capable as is the OPs mother. Train times to this city from London can vary between 3.5 and 5 hours (as the faster trains make fewer stops).

I would present the holiday as a done deal then she can rage all she wants. Another relative may not want to host her either if that particular person has been on the sharp end of OPs mother's tongue. OP - do not be guilt tripped into driving the length of Britain this Christmas for your mother. Do not set yourself on fire yet again to keep her warm.

I'm finding Xmas more & more unbearable as the years go by. DM is on her own, and I live in another country to her. She won't travel, but is happy to be on her own on Xmas day. She has other options, but chooses to stay at home. Maybe your DM would think differently if she spent this Xmas differently.

Your idea to go away for Xmas is brilliant and I might just do the same!

Good luck.

If it were me… I’d book the holiday and present it as a done deal, “we’ve booked to go away and see really excited, so we’ll come see you before/after”. That way you won’t risk convincing yourself to back out, and she won’t expel energy trying to guilt you into changing your mind. She either accepts it and is happy for you or moans about something she cannot change. Good luck op x

Just do whatever works for you, and tell her clearly. Then refuse to discuss further. If necessary, don't answer the phone to her. She has brought this upon herself, and you are not responsible for her happiness.

I won’t go abroad until my DM and my DMIL pass away. Christmas is a family time, even if they do drive us mad !

I would however tell her she needs to get public transport at least part of the way

Been there got the t-shirt - I think I wrote a post about this- this feeling of wanting to put yourself first - mine was dementia caring - all Christmases had to be factored round mums needs and wants - from when I was single - It was insisted I came ' home', when the kids were tiny - share Christmases with ils, keep everyone happy- mum did guilt trips etc - so made more sense ( less grief ??)to do the rounds ( two hour round trips overnight stays with kids paraphernalia ) - then she was widowed - younger ils kindly hosted too- then we had the carer stage - we didn't do the last Christmas with her - it could have been the 4th of July for all she knew. No quiet family Christmas for us . Ils are now getting frailer , have pets etc and DH's sibling is estranged ( conveniently the minute my mum died and the low contact is practically NC now ) and has since suffered from their own troubles in circumstances so the onus will be now forever on us I guess to host or pack up and head up that motorway. DH will not hear of anything else and supported me so i just have to get on with it . But you just don't know what will happen in life To get round it I book other breaks in the year or around Christmas and look forward to that as well. Last year I went to a magical european city just before Christmas Eve - 3 days made all the difference and a twixmas break too . I think I'd knock the length on the head - a week at most if you're forced in to that compromise - Or Is flying an option for her with assistance to the gate etc ? We have other relatives come from North to South of the UK doing that. If there's another sibling she can go to, I'd do a fait accompli and say its booked.

100% And I wish more people would really think on this.

Exactly this. I might feel different if you said your mother added to some joy to the Christmas experience but she clearly doesn’t.

Going forward I would also refuse to do the pick up and drop offs. If she really wants to come she can get the train even if you end up picking her up from a train station much closer to you. You could cite the reason being down to your own health issues and partners (I’m sure you can contour up a bad back out of somewhere).

Dealing with elderly difficult parents myself I’ve done a lot of reading on the subject and the advice is to encourage them to be more independent to improve their quality of life. If you do everything for them they stop engaging their brains and expect everyone to do things for them. It literally is a case of use it or lose it (their brains).

I think it's got to this point because the resentment has been building up over years, and you are just going to have to tell her and grey rock while she comes to terms with it.

In hindsight maybe you could have said no to the 20 hours' driving, and/or said no to the 2 weeks, much earlier to help keep your sanity. A softer approach might have been to say you're welcome here but you'd need to do one of the journeys yourself, by taxi or whatever as 20 hours is just beyond us alongside working FT etc. Or you're welcome here but let's just do one week. You can redraw the boundaries, you have a lot of power here. But we all have our limits and I get that it feels like time to force the issue.

OP how long ago was your mum widowed ? If this will not be her first Christmas without your dad then I don’t see a problem in doing your own thing. As for picking her up and collecting her. - could you not make it a pre-requisite for visiting that she use public transport and you would collect her for the train station or whatever ?

I was widowed several years ago and it took about 18 months to two years for me to start getting back to anything even approaching normal - grief can be an odd and very individual process but it doesn’t give the bereaved person the right to inconvenience others. At some point you have to reassess your life and get on with it. Could that be a problem for her do you think ? Possibly she needs to get out more and get used to making journeys on her own. From experience I know it’s hard to start with, but the alternative could prove to be very lonely.

There are some slightly passive aggressive replies 😳
As I have stated I love and like my mum that dosent alter the Xmas situation!
Thank you everyone for your replies and insights - I have decided I am going to go and will see mum before or after for mini Xmas xx

If she mostly just sits on iPad I reckon she wouldn't miss out on not doing Christmas
Just tell her we off on holidays for Christmas will visit you for free days before/after holidays which would suit you best.

Life is too short to live for other people. Book the holiday and enjoy a relaxing Christmas your way. Tell your mum when you've booked it, maybe with a suggestion that she asks x if she could go to them for Christmas. If she strops just try and zone out from it by picturing your lovely Christmas away.

What a snarky, mean-spirited post. OP has bent over backwards for her difficult mother from childhood up until now. Why on earth shouldn't OP enjoy one Christmas without her mum?

When you are telling her do mention that the long drive is one of the factors that made you, make this decision. Hopefully, it might make her rethink her demands the following year.

Enjoy the holiday,

Say-
Hi mum,
just to let you know we won’t be hosting this Christmas. We’ve booked to go away with the kids. I thought I’d let you know early so you can make some arrangements.
Maybe we can have a short visit early December or in the new year? I’ll drive up to visit. Take care, speak soon. X

Put yourself first this year OP. Hope you have a holiday to remember with your lovely children. Xxx

I would text her first and just plant the seed. Hi Mum, hope all ok. Will ring you tonight. I need to talk to you about Christmas.

And then I would ring her and explain you’ve booked the holiday. I would tell her what you have told us ‘Look Mum my recent health scare has made me really think. I want to grab life while I’m still well and young enough. The kids are now adults and a pleasure to be around so this is what we all want. We’ll see you before Christmas, but I’m going to start looking in to flights, because the driving is getting too much for me and DH.’

What I wouldn’t do is try and come to some solution about what she should do on Christmas Day. She needs to sort that.

But sending the text before will get her brain ticking so she’s not completely winded by the news.

JFC you sound horrible! If OP's punishment for going away for one Christmas is losing her inheritance after all those years of pandering to her mum (and we have no idea whether her mum has anything to leave), surely OP can then just abandon her mother completely with no guilt or qualms if their relationship is as transactional as the one that you are imagining?

Unnecessary and spiteful comment

You don't think that telling OP that her dad would be ashamed of her is manipulative?

You are a wife, mother as well as a daughter - maybe remind your mum of that. She will be put out but she won't die of neglect as a result of your decision. The danger is that you leave it too late because once your children are in full time work, getting the time off might prove harder for them and once they have partners, the dynamics change anyway. Go while you can!

Monty you ought to be ashamed of yourself.
Your judgement and criticism is abhorrent.
Your lack of emotional intelligence is astounding.
And you haven’t even read the posts properly to be asking about her siblings.

Yes book the holiday and then tell her.

Don't be like that other op who booked a holiday, gave her mother every last detail, and was then shocked when the mother joined her!

Is your mother the sort of person who would expect you to invite her on the overseas break? Or turn up as a "surprise"? You'll have to be clear that she isn't coming.

If read OP's posts she explains her mum would never go abroad - and she won't use public transport either, so doubt very much she'll rock up on holiday.