How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

She probably is frightened by it. When was the last time she caught a train, probably had to change to catch another connection etc? Trains at Christmas are packed too. She would have to pack all her luggage and presents and might worry she could not manage it all.
That, I suspect is why.

Blimey, this is unkind. Did you actually read all the OP has written?

Book the holiday, tell her, she has plenty of time to make other arrangements.

Why is she unable to take public transport to visit you and return home? Is she disabled or is the journey complicated for any reason? Could she start by making some of the journey independently to build her confidence? Very easy to fall into a trap of every Christmas, every visit travel becomes part of the expectation. You really need to be having a conversation about this.

Good luck.

Explain to her that you ARE going away this year and make suggestions about alternatives for Christmas. Don't solve this problem for her.

Book the trip, enjoy a Christmas break with your kids while they're still young enough not to have the pull of in-laws or a partner or their own kids, and like you say, while your health is good.

Your mum's expectation of a 10 hour round trip for a fortnight of not engaging with you all is a bit much and if she's upset or angry about your change of plan I'd say that she needs the shake up.

I agree. Is there any chance one of the kids could catch the train up and accompany her back?

Cleverchops

People pleasing often comes about from wanting to please such a difficult or emotionally absent parent. It can be addressed in therapy and I would urge you to look into this. people pleasing behaviour affects all aspects of your life to its detriment as you have slack boundaries and feel unable to say no. Your mother was once young and abusive and I doubt very much that your childhood was at all lovely; it was probably akin to hell on earth. She's also likely trained you from a young age to put her own needs first with your own dead last along with installing the fear, obligation and guilt buttons.

Go on holiday and start saying no that does not work for me to your mother. You already have physical distance on your side here; now it's time to put mental distance in. She will strop and you could well see her narcissistic rage but hold firm and keep on saying no this does not work for me.

Give yourself a complete break from her; reduce contact levels and do not reward bad behaviour. Someone will help her and it does not have to be you any longer. You owe her nothing anyway, let alone a relationship here.

How kind you are to volunteer to host the OPs mother.

Your comment made me laugh it's so entitled!
Are you the OP's mum by any chance?

Ooh, I’m with you.
Me and the two adult but single dc would love to go away for Xmas but DH doesn’t.
We always end up with my mum and step dad, his mum (all in their 80’s and relatively fit) his brother and last year his brothers partner too!
I have one brother who lives abroad and also likes to come over at Xmas every couple of years and one brother who has three dc all married and scattered around, 2 grandchildren so they like to all get together at Xmas with no thought as to anyone else.
i end up with all the mental load of hosting, even though DH does help a lot, it’s always with a “what can I do?” which annoys me no end.
Maybe me and dc should just leave him to it!

Good for you! I would never run myself ragged for any of them again! The absolute cheek to expect all that while bitching about younger generations!

Sorry if it was too strong.
But I felt the OP was being unkind. And the post upset me.

We don’t know if there are any other siblings. And I think her father would feel upset by it. If there are other siblings, they could have her ?

Leaving her on her own seems harsh.

OP is old enough to have young adults of her own; that kind of driving is exhausting for some people, especially those who aren't used to doing a lot of driving.

You sound quite unkind ... and probably quite like OP's entitled mother.

I would too feel guilty but it’s time to put yourself first and it’s not selfish! Can you take a trip to visit her and stay near by for a couple of days before you fly off for your trip? I would tell her soon so she can make other plans, she’s not your responsibility. Go with the direction in a positive manner and just tell her. Offer to come to her but tell her directly; don’t leave her with open questions. Say.. we are doing this. Don’t say, is that okay. She will likely be moody but just go about your normal business x

No advice on how to approach it with your mum, but please do get that holiday booked and have a lovely Christmas!

I am always horrified when people start defending older relatives being stubborn about Christmas plans. This could lead to a whole generation basically never having Christmas how they want to do it, because you spend your years whilst your parents are around catering to their whims; then the next stage is you deciding not to treat your own children the way your parents treated you, so you tell them to make arrangements that suit them and their young families, accepting it might not be what you want to do. And before you know it, you've had a lifetime of doing Christmas the way other people wanted it done and never getting your own say on things.

Glad I made you laugh. Hilarious isn’t it !

No. Not the OP’s mum. Sorry.

Great advice here. Nothing to add except you’ll probably be kicking yourself you didn’t speak up sooner!

We included grandparents every Christmas until one year I realised we were caterers for them and they didn’t add anything.Now we host every second Christmas it’s been great.
Should have done it years ago!

Perhaps one of the young adults can do it then.
It is a long drive, granted.

I am not unkind by the way. Far from it.

You've managed to guilt and threaten the OP.
You've a terrible attitude while having a go at someone for their own.

We do not have children in order to entertain us at Christmas. We don't have children to threaten them with no inheritance and guilt them as to what a dead man may think just because they'd like to go overseas one Christmas. That's appalling manipulative shit. I hope the OP pays absolutely no attention to it either.

A good parent would be please to see their child enjoy themselves, esp knowing that the OP has had her own struggles and it's one Christmas out of many they have already had together. That's true love, wanting to see your child happy.

I’m not sure if you have a husband or partner, if you have, could you tell your mum that he’s booked you a surprise trip as your Christmas present? To go one step further, let her know it’s in recognition of all the Christmases you’ve put everyone else (including her) first!

Why should they drive their ungrateful and otherwise difficult grandmother. If OPs mother is too difficult for her to deal with, it's the same deal for them also. They have seen at first hand how their mother is treated by her own mother. She can stay where she is for Christmas and if she was on her own there is good reason why. However, people like OPs mother often rope in flying monkeys to do their bidding for them.

A good suggestion. But they just don’t want her there.
I can understand people wanting their ‘own’ Christmas. Absolutely. I really do.
But if there are no siblings who she can go to, if she is on her own I think it very hard for her. Now she is a widow.
And if there is a household full of people, easier for her to be in the background anyway. Not as if it was just the OP, DH and mum.

I did not threaten anybody thankyou. Nor was I manipulative. I was open and completely transparent about what I thought.
You may dislike my opinion. I might dislike yours.
I don’t throw insults at you for it. Compare and contrast.

Lack of self-awareness is astounding.