How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

Why won’t she use public transport?

Because if it takes 10 hours to drive a round trip, it's probably a long journey and over-80s may be able to get a cab to their local station, but having to change several times, with luggage and up and down stairs to different platforms, and possibly having to get the tube if changing through London, is likely to much on your own?

A taxi all the way would cost a fortune.

My Mum is nearly 90, is still pretty healthy, mobile and with it. But she would find this exhausting, and would get anxious about the changes. She would definitely panic if a train was delayed or cancelled and worry about making connections.

Edit to add: This in no way means that the OP shouldn't go away for Christmas!

This!

Go ahead and book and then let her know. I personally wouldn't message it but only you can make that decision as you know her and your relationship. If I was on the phone I'd get to the end of a call and say breezily (you don't have e to feel breezy) " just to let you know we're going away at Christmas. Wanted you to know now so you've got lots of time to make a plan for your Christmas. Right, speak soon. " Phone down. Then stiff drink.

If I was sure that she’d be able to spend Christmas Day with someone else then I’d definitely book the holiday! I’d feel a bit guilty if she didn’t but I’m not saying that you should feel that way.
I absolutely would not be doing ten hours of driving though! She can get on a plane or train or a coach for goodness sake!

I like this way of telling her. Don't try and plan alternatives for her. Don't apologise. That suggests that you SHOULD be hosting her and and she's entitled to be mad at you. Just tell her like it's a good thing. When she says "well what about me" just say "I don't know what you mean, it's just me and DH going"

She clearly doesn't concern herself with how her decisions impact you. She does what she wants for Christmas, always has, so why should you treat her any different than she's treated you?

This, but you could also ask for a social care assessment via her LA as this may facilitate getting her out locally to day care centres and then mean she can take part in a local community Christmas dinner that she can attend, and if she has made friends, she may be happy to go. You absolutely need to put your needs closer to the top of the list now that your children are growing up. It is fine to have offered her a lifeline for the first year or so, but a 10 hour trip is ridiculous.

If it causes fall out, then an option would be for her to move closer to you into a flat an assisted/supported community/block specifically for older people. Then she could still have Xmas with you and regular visits.

Of course you feel better. Your OP shows that you don't like her and now you've been validated.

Do go while you can - the window between your mum still being relatively independent and needing increasing support is a narrow one, and you sound a good person who doesn’t shirk responsibility. It’s time for your mum to give you back a bit of unselfish consideration!

The op doesn't show she doesn't like her mum, if anything it shows the mum is disengaged with her dd and family always has been, and now just wants company around her.

Present your holiday as a fait accompli. Your partner knew you were longing to try Xmas away, checked with kids and booked it as a surprise for you. Act absolutely delighted. He wanted to give you notice so your mum could change her plans, how thoughtful he is! Kids are so excited, how good is that mum?
I always say to my grown up kids in similar situation blame me!
Christmas is one day, much like any other really so why your mum acts so entitled idk. But I think you should do what you want and enjoy.💕

You (rightly) sound very resentful and bitter so honestly it will do you both good in the long run. People always say they hate that people sit on their phones or iPads or at the kitchen table but that’s easy to fall into when you’re away, it’s supposed to be a holiday and you forget yourself🙈I’d say go for it and recommend relatives your mum can stay with instead or tell her you’ll see her before/ just after for Christmas fun

My Mum was like this. We couldn’t have her and my in laws together at Christmas because she had been unspeakably rude to them in the past. DH said that one year, he would like to have his parents over for Christmas. I arranged for her to go to my cousin (whom she described as “the daughter she never had”), but she still had a screaming fit at me for being selfish and “being a shit daughter, the shittest ever.” Brace yourself and do it. Your Mum sounds exactly like mine - never any interaction with the grandchildren, nose stuck in a book, never helped with anything, just said “you’d think someone would offer me a cup of tea/a drink/a snack”, only interested in going out to dinner, if we were paying. Since she died, it’s been a bit of a relief.

There is usually assistance at stations, if needed*, and a lot of them do have lifts nowadays. And some taxi drivers, if asked and agreed beforehand, would give any unnecessary help.

*a BiL of mine, very frail with Parkinson’s, does take trains on his own, including very recently, and has found staff to be very helpful.

Lomonald

The op doesn't show she doesn't like her mum, if anything it shows the mum is disengaged with her dd and family always has been, and now just wants company around her.

Both of these things can be true though, if she ‘liked/ was happy with her mum’ she wouldn’t have made the comments about her mum sitting on her iPad doing nothing to help, when we have visitors I say it’s your holiday and chat to them as they sit with a cuppa!

I think there is always this assumption that someone's Christmas could be their last and ultimately at some stage that will be true for all of us. What a lot of people don't consider is that it applies to all ages, teens, young children, mid twenties. Many people focus on the older generation but I have known too many tragedies of friends in their 30s dying unexpectedly plus known of children dying before they even reached 21.

You need to put yourself and your immediate family first. Book the holiday and enjoy the process and then let her know you will be going away. Yes she will probably be very pissy about it but she has come first for years, you have endured unhappy Christmases now you need to enjoy one.

This.

We bit the bullet a few years ago. After decades of cooking and clearing up after everyone every Christmas, I got sick of always putting everyone else first. I was cooking what they insisted on because it was traditional, watching what they wanted on the TV because they beat us to the remote etc, missed out on my own children because someone always wanted another cup of tea or another sandwich. I had enough and said no more. We were having Christmas Day to ourselves and would see each set of parents on a different day.

In laws were completely surprised that they would have to fend for themselves, Dad was disappointed but made a good show of trying to keep it hidden but Mum’s nose is still out of joint now. Every year we now have the same conversation intending to guilt us- She supposes we will be doing our own thing again and how we shouldn’t worry about her and dad. She just hopes she will get to see the grandchildren at some point…… It really pisses me off to be honest as we always have them over for either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day it’s just not exactly what she wants.

It is entirely worth it though. You can’t keep doing everything to suit everyone else all the time.

@Cleverchops I'm on the fence.
From 1995 to Covid I made a rod for my own back and we had the ILs every Christmas. They always came.for a week and had to be hosted three meals a day. I used to joke.that by our silver wedding anniversary MIL still didn't know where the fucking kettle was.

However, they always came by train. When we lived in London the tube bit was easier but once she was widowed I started dropping her at South Ken so straight on the Piccadilly line to Kings X. Once she turned 80, the train journey worried us more when she was on her own.

In her very late 70s, we moved out of London and until Covid, DH and DS met her from Kings X to help with bags.

Whilst I think previously your mum should have caught the train, if she never has, now might be too difficult.

MIL (and my mum) are 90 now and increasingly frail. Post Covid neither have been able to make the journey and step stopped driving except locally about then.

For the last few years, DH has spent Christmas in the North with his mum. I spend it in the South with mine. We have felt that Christmas might be their last for a few years now and that is getting closer.

We have our family lunch a week or two before.

I think if your mum's generally well, you should go on holiday, providing she won't be alone. Ours would if it weren't for us, but there will be limited Christmas's moving forward and if I were you I'd keep your guilt minimised.

Have you thought about renting a cottage for Christmas, not too far from your mum's? We did that for a few years until I had to start going to mine.

Do you have any siblings ? Could they have mum ?

You can love someone but be upset with them at the same time, if someone came to visit me but sat on their device the whole time ignoring everyone yet expect waited on, i probably would vent too.

Tell her the date of "family Christmas" has moved - to before or after.

She is taking the piss, honestly.

Mine is similar, and also sits on the sofa staring at her ipad and slagging off everything she sees on Facebook. Worse than teens.

😂

Ah, sorry OP, I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I don’t think I could leave my widowed mother alone at Christmas. You say you don’t have siblings. The whole event does sound too much and I’d try to make changes, but just going abroad then is a step too far for me. Could you go after Christmas instead?

I went to my parents for years throughout my adulthood, saying no to friends plans abroad, being with my other half and other fun things and it was tiresome every year, was also a long journey to get there. I wish more than anything it wasn't expected so much by them and that I'd made it more casual, ie, going some years and not others.

Time to change her expectations and create a new normal for you. You've your own family too to think of and I say go for it! I wish I had done, don't be me!!