How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

Time to put yourself first 💐

Book it. Book the holiday you want. And then let her know with plenty of time to make other plans. If she wants to meet up can she get a train? Or you go for a short visit in Dec?

Good for you for putting yourself first. I'd ask relatives if she can come to them so this can be included in the conversation. Just tell her you have other plans and what her options are, perhaps invite her for a week at Easter but tell her she will have to use public transport for one leg of the journey as its not doable.

Book the holiday then tell your mum.

quite soon so she has chance to make alternative arrangements.

you never know, she might only be coming out if duty

You can change the dynamic of your familial relationships at any age, you have that power. Tell her very simply and matter of factly. Don’t be guilted or accept unpleasantness.

I reckon give her plenty of notice and prepare yourself to weather the strop. She will definitely be put out. By the sounds of it she'll not be shy about making you feel bad. Water off a duck's back.

Enjoy your Christmas.

I'd feel too guilty to not offer to see her at all, but two weeks, and door to door service? No.
How old/capable is she?
This affects how much I'd be prepared to do, as does the fact that she doesn't seem to have done much for you when she could.

Can you book a few days in a hotel near to her for a few days either before Christmas or for the New Year so that she knows that you will be seeing her and you can have a couple of days between driving there and back?

I was always made to feel responsible for my widowed mum, and there was many a Christmas/New Year etc etc that I felt I couldn't do what I really wanted to do. I say go, and accept that your mum will have to go somewhere else this year.

Explain that you want to go away this year and offer to help her find an alternative. Say you're sorry she's upset but she can visit say at Easter.

She might be sad and upset and put out that you’re not hosting her. But you’ll be sad and upset and put out of you do host her.

Why do you think her feelings are more important than yours?

Definitely book the holiday.

You are important too, and you are allowed to make choices that work for you and your family.

I agree with posters above, give her plenty of notice but be ready in case she wants to invite herself on the holiday with you - don't be too precise about dates and location!!!

Book the holiday and just tell her.

Your other relatives are going to be cursing you but hopefully they can make other plans too. 😉

Be prepared for her to have a dramatic illness so you have to cancel your plans. Don’t!

Just tell her you are having a no drove Christmas .
I actually have done ot several times. No ferrying dc and partners around. It's bliss.

Dont let anyone come on here and guilt trip you because she's elderly and widowed
People who dont put effort into relationships but expect to reap all the rewards are unreasonable. And everyone has to deal with not always getting their own way in life. Even elderly widowed people (who are still people, and not lost puppies as some people would have you treat them as...)

Book the holiday and tell her by text/on the phone. And then hammer home the fact this was always your plan via grey rock. 'Sorry you are disappointed, but i've always wanted to spend some Christmases abroad and im really looking forward to it. You'll have a lovely time whatever you do. Anyway [subject change]'

How old is your mum @Cleverchops, and is she infirm?

Obviously shes never put herself out tor you, never considered things from your side.

Id book the holiday and tell her. And dont let her come.

Let her know sooner rather than later

and then next year tell her you would come to visit for a few days but won’t be doing the double trip -

my mother is fast approaching 90 and she would be on the train and feeling guilty if we picked her up at a reasonable station . I know everyone is different but people also make themselves incapable by not trying

Book it OP, and tell your mum that unfortunately you can't host her this year. Honestly just do it.

Would she go abroad ? Or do you not want her to come ? Ie is it just the drive ?

Book the holiday ring your mum and be excited and tell her !!
If she is negative in anyway u know u have done the correct thing because she is just being selfish !!
Most parents would prefer their kids to do as they please and enjoy themselves !!
Just do it u don't have anything to lose at this point , and u don't have to feel guilty she didn't when she didn't come at Xmas when your children were little ?? It's time for u now x

Get that holiday booked and tell her now giving her plenty time to organise her Christmas.

Keep it very light and in passing, "oh guess what, we've just booked Lanzarote for next Christmas, I cannot wait, I've been wanting to do this for years. How is Marjorie keeping"

Book it then tell her. She has somewhere else she can go.

And I would tell her she has to get over her public transport issues. No more long drive for you.