How do I tell my widowed mum Christmas plans are changing?

Well there is no chance I would be going with my brother! I hardly see him and have no real relationship with him. He goes away with his in-laws. I don't know them at all. I barely know his wife.

Christmas is so complicated. The trap of “we always do this” is a real one. And the “might be last Christmas” - this can be 12 or so years. That’s a lot of christmases.

Tell her you’re going with your brother! I repeat what I said to the OP, tell her asap, don’t ask, don’t apologise, just tell her. I’ve spent endless Christmas days on my own, no dc and an emergency worker DH who gets no choice re his shifts.

Aaah it’s always “very different” isn’t it. Your mum sounds rude, smug and insufferable

Honestly you just need to book it and serve it up as a done deal. So what if she resents it? What about how you feel? Just leave her to simmer in her resentment and ignore any reference to it!
I feel a bit responsible for my dad at Christmas as I’ve always hosted him, and this year the grown up dc are doing their own thing so we too will be going away. The difference is my dad will be fine about it.

My mum could maybe go to another relative but this will cause so much resentment from my mum who has never put herself out for us.

I think this sentence from your opening post gives you everything you need (if you are still reading).

I am of a similar age (dc all grown) as of course are many of my peers. My parents are dead, but I see many friends and cousins doing a lot for their parents or PiLs, which is tiring, but understandable and done out of love by those who come from a background where their parents / PiLs were supportive of them when the dc were little. However if the parents / PiLs didn't support their adult dc when they were in the thick of it, then there should be no automatic expectation that their dc should put their lives on hold now the tables have turned. It isn't about keeping score so much as how much you now feel you want to do things for them.
@Cleverchops you are at a stage of life where you quite rightly should be putting your own family first, and, indeed your own wellbeing.
Book the holiday and tell her. Don't leave telling her until last minute, but TELL her that is what is happening rather than asking permission.

OPs mother was awful to her daughter as a child and has left her emotionally harm. She is not a great house guest either (from OPs initial post).

And I have an awful lot of compassion when it comes to the OP because I recognise the type of mother she is having to deal with. Women like OPs mother cannot do relationships at all!.

If OP won't use public transport I take that to read that she will not use it because she does not want to use it. The expectation ops mother has is to be chauffeured door to door.

Two other things OP - you say she won't use public transport. Won't or can't?

And could she stay in a hotel near you instead of with you? We only have one shower and there's a small hotel about a 5 minute walk away so my my mum stays there when she visits so she has her own space and shower. I know people think that's weird but she's much more comfortable and it means we have a bit more space too. It also makes it feel like more of a holiday for her.

These posts make me very sad. Im quite old and will probably be on my own one day. At the moment our adult children alternate between us and their in-laws as we live quite a way from each other. It’s fine now but when you are on your own, not so great. Having said that the mum in this case really needs to brave travel and make it easier for everyone, and not stay for a fortnight! My dad came to us every year as there was simply no one else. I couldn’t have left him alone in his late 80s. He had been a lovely dad and grandad. I understand it’s boring and hard, and if your parent was rubbish that’s different. I’ve been there, but some posters really have no compassion.

Similar here - my mum isn't widowed though my father has died since their divorce and is alone and so we have to see her every Easter and Christmas. I am not so bothered about Christmas because it's a boring time of year anyway (and we can still eg go for a Christmas markets visit somewhere) but having every Easter blocked out is tedious - I would really like to do something else.

But she doesn't have another relative who she can reasonably spend time with.

Yours does OP and you've been ill and want some fun so go away and enjoy it.

Interestingly, when my Gran was alive, my Mum used to say, quite smugly “Oh I do feel sorry for Elza (her sister), she and Janos can never go away for Christmas as they have to have Mum.” (My Mum refused point blank to have her mother for Christmas as she had her posh friends over for dinner on Christmas Eve and my Gran “would not have fitted in.” AKA she was ashamed of her mother, who was foreign, with a foreign accent mixed with Cockney.) I reminded her of this, as we had her for yet another Christmas, and how we couldn’t go away as we always had her to stay. Apparently that was “quite different.”

It’s not a midlife crisis. It’s finding your power and your voice. Don’t apologise for it!

@girljulian my 74yo MIL gets confused about route planning for train travel. She's solved that by going to the train station to speak to an actual person.

Pull on your big girl pants OP and have the conversation…..sooner rather than later. The earlier your mother realises that assumed plans aren’t going to materialise this year the better her chance to make alternative arrangements. No doubt she will rant and guilt trip but you’ve done your share and now it’s time to start enjoying tie with your children - go away if you want - stay home if you want but above all………please yourself! 💐

I feel you OP! My mum is widowed too although lives a lot closer to us

Weve stopped having her on Christmas Day because we found that we would say ‘come from 2pm’ and she would be there at 10am.

We are a blended family and we have times ‘staggered’ with our kids so we both get respective time with our own and mum would arrive, take over and expect it to be that the attention was focused solely on her. I had one year DP was absolutely furious as she arrived literally at the same time as his kids and was barging in front of them constantly when they were opening their presents.

She would also stay even after our children had left to see their other respective parent till very late in the evening - not taking the hint at all that that was mine and DPs time together at Christmas too. We’ve had her there one year till we were literally ready for bed at midnight

Its also a huge part of the reason why we don’t invite her over as often on a normal weekend - because again each time I’d say ‘arrive at 6 for dinner at 7’, she would be there at 4pm - often I’d still got things to do or not even started tea. Just infuriating

Edited to add - she now goes to my sisters house on Christmas Day - we don’t leave her abandoned!!! Sister is just a lot more forthright and instead collects her and drops her back home the day after. It’s actually better for Mum!!

"I am quite shocked by some of the replies that seem to assume that your mum is a selfish controlling old mare rather than an elderly person dealing with the limitations that this brings. You are right to have taken her feelings into consideration - this does not make you a passive people pleaser as many have suggested, but simply a kind and thoughtful human being"

OP has described herself as a kind and supportive person which indeed she is. Of course she loves her mother. People love their parents anyway no matter how crap they otherwise are. OP is also empathetic but her mother is not. She has never taken her daughter's feelings into account here nor the fact that she should have a life of her own. As her mother is elderly any filter she herself had is well and truly gone.

As for being described as a people pleaser OP wrote this comment:
"I think I am having a bit of a midlife crisis and coming to terms with being an absolute people pleaser to my own detriment". And who caused that to happen; her mother.

OPs mother is a both selfish and controlling mother; how else could she be described?. You are indeed fortunate you do not recognise anyone who behaves like OPs mother because they, both male and female, are in our midst and they are happy to wreck such emotional harm on their unfortunate relatives causing them to feel guilt tripped and otherwise obligated to see them.

Not all elderly people are nice and kind and some of them are actively abusive. Going before or after Christmas to see her as OP has suggested she will now do is unlikely to go down well primarily because it is not what her mother wants.

Same here. Plus the whole they work “hard” all year. Don’t we all?!

My DH and I would like to go away for Christmas too. My DDs have partners and it their turn to go to their this year. My 85 yo DM will just expect to be where we are but we want to do something different for a change. She could easily go to her brothers but she will object. My own brother goes away every year at Christmas and he never gets any flack for this. I am dreading the conversation.

I've occasionally wondered if you could say "I'm 40 now. When you were 40 you never travelled from Darlington to London at Christmas. Now I'm doing the same."

(Details made up)

I did this with my brother. Every year I'd collect him, wait on him all day, listen to him talking at me all day whilst he didn't lift a finger, then drop him home. 2 hour round trip. One year I said I had other commitments (which was true as I was delivering a hamper for a charity) and really didn't want anything more driving but if he could get to me he was welcome. He tried to make me feel guilty & I did a bit but I stuck to my guns. He was fine on the day. He visited friends & had a Christmas dinner at the local hospital. I actually like having just the 4 of us & not having to please anyone else

As a 67 year old I am cross that someone of my age doesn’t “understand trains”.

We went away last Christmas, not far but it’s something I’d wanted to do for a few years. Our Ds’s are in their 20’s, not in relationships so they were happy to come, our DD (16) was very happy as the cottage had a hot tub.
I still cooked, love picking up my M&S order Christmas eve, it was a peaceful cottage, beautiful surroundings,lights all around the garden , I loved the hot tub too, glass of wine.
My parents are sadly no longer with us, still have MIL, but she has enough family to spend the time with
I would go, put your self first, your mum will survive.

Go and enjoy your holiday!!

I’m going through the same thing but with my dad. He has no where else to go on Christmas Day. He has been coming here for 7 years since his wife died and he’s 88, so plenty of life in him! I have suddenly decided that I no longer want him on Christmas Day as he is so much hard work and drives the kids to their bedrooms. This year I’m going to invite him over on Boxing Day for a shorter window of time, 3-8. It’s going to be left overs, party food and desserts. I’m dreading telling him but it’s going to change this year because it’s robbing me and my children of joy on Christmas Day! So my advice would be to book it now and let her know in advance so she can make alternative arrangements. Good for you!!! No more people pleasing for us!

By the sounds of things it appears she doesnt actually want to be there anyway if thats the way dhe behaves for the two week duration, when you tell her your plans have changed this christmas to give yourself a well deserved break, she may even be relieved, and if shes not then tough on her.