Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

Stay strong @MysterOfwomanY

Been to visit, she's much less confused.
Still not convinced she knows where she is and why.
But, maybe a 7/10 which is an improvement on 10/10 yesterday.

The less confused old ladies were going to start a riot for cake at one point this afternoon. They're quite good fun, but one has been sent to another ward and one was going home. 😁

Does anywhere sell petite pajamas?

Another Sunday and another pointless afternoon spent with DM. I think it was @rookiemere who said it was time spent just marking the decline. This is very much how I feel.

I didnt visit last week and I wont be there next week. DGCs are a much stronger pull. DB doesnt approve as to him DM is the priority. However he knows that he cant say anything.

DB2 is conspicuous only by his absence. Cant say I blame him, DB1 has spent his life being spiteful towards him and turning DM against him. Why should DB2 bother with DM now?

Can I get some advice please. My mother never learned how to use computers or smartphones or the internet. She did eventually learn that the internet is a big place and there's a thing now called online shopping. Over the years she would request for me to help her with online shopping. She only really started from about 2018 getting me to help her with online shopping. So she would get me to put it on my laptop and I navigate it all and I show her.

These shopping sprees have turned into an absolute nightmare. I remember incidents where it would drag on and on. Where she would want me to explore the offer pages before showing her anything. I can remember an online shopping browse there last for two whole days over the course of a weekend. Another time she settled on a dress out of stock and then wanted me to check it several times a week to see if it was in stock again and it went on for months. She did not care about me, my schedule or my health. She even started building a vision of what she wanted with the out of stock dress and she wanted a matching jacket, shoes and handbag even though it wasn't a co ord.

It's all just been a night mare all in all helping her do on like shopping.

A few years ago I began to become concerned for cognitive decline. It's not just about obsessive shopping stuff online and a lack of empathy for me. It's not that. It's a range of other stuff and executive functioning issues. I do think of dementia as a possibility but it's impossible to get a diagnosis to gain help and support. It seems as if the medical professionals would like to see a medical crisis with her before they intervene and give a dementia diagnosis.

Yesterday out of the blue she said that she would like to do another online shop. This time for an online pound shop. I did a shop a few years ago for her. It went on for hours at the time because she wanted to examine every category and department.

I now know not to reason with her because she's like a toddler and I can't tell her no and the reason is the shopping browsing can go on for hours and I don't have the time.

I considered setting an alarm for an hour but I suspect that might not go down well and she will only just argue when the time is up.

I live with her so I can't escape her.

I can't do this. I asked her to make a list but she won't make a list. She became snarly at me saying she doesn't know what they have. She already said she wants a particular item and I checked on my phone and they don't have it and she will only just argue with me and make me search for it anyways in front of her because she will want to see it.

If I owned a car, I could take her shopping but I can't afford a car.

My job can be demanding sometimes even working for 2 or 3 weeks solid before getting a day off so days off are rare and taking her shopping isn't a great either due to my energy levels being so depleted. I did take her shopping a few weeks ago and it was migraine stuff.

The fact that she can't even give me a list tells me it's not too urgent.

I am considering lying to her and saying they stopped online shopping. She likely won't know. However I feel so guilty. If there is anything on her list, I can get it with Tesco more than likely.

She has been engaged with increased OCD over the past week. She never experienced OCD before. My understanding of OCD is that OCD is a need to do something because of a feeling something isn't right. It's more anxiety based. My mother OCD is something else. It's more of a intensive loop to clean and do something and it's so hard to redirect her. Anyways there is intense cleaning spells and ocd and I think the online shopping stuff is cleaning stuff or loo block stuff or things to satisfy some cleaning or whatever. I don't know.

I also observed over the past few months as well that I can't really provide her with too much options any more or she doesn't tolerate too much. So online shopping, she will just become overwhelmed.

Do I lie to her? Do I tell her the shop isn't doing online or home delivery any more. It's unlikely she will be able to get into a physical shop any time soon. Or will I like and blame my bank card as an issue and I need to go to the bank to sort that out.

I feel so guilty.

Whatever is on her list she would be able to get it locally in the village too but she just wants me to shop online for her.

If she had a list, she won't give it to me to source because she wants to maintain control and talk me through her list and have me show her online.

@Bweaveit’s totally ok to have boundaries and not engage with these behaviors. You know what she is like. You have a busy job. It’s not reasonable for more and 1 hour a day to be spent on this. Yes I think you lie. It’s to protect her and also you.

@Bweave absolutely lie to her.
Tell her the shop no longer has an online presence.
She won't know any better and it'll save your sanity.

Thank you so much for the replies. I will tell her that they are not doing online shopping any more. I went away for the afternoon earlier today (Sunday) so that I wouldn't be cornered into shopping online for her. In mentioned to her before I left to make a list. I came home and theres no list. She just took a notion that she wants stuff. If I was to entertain her request it would be a case of just wandering aimlessly around a website/online shop. Whenever I go shopping, I know what I am looking for and I am on a mission. I really think it's an extension of the OCD spell and the increased intensity of the OCD spell.

I feel so bad lying but I think I have to do it.

My mother doesn't really understand the concept of the internet. She tells me that my brother has found things (on the net) on his phone but she doesn't know if I'll be able to get them with my phone (!).

So if you change device, or have changed recently,, it might be worth suggesting that the new device can't do all that the old one could, hence no shopping.

Today is D day…(decision day) I gave MIL phone number of hospital admissions and told her she had to phone them and let them know her decision then asked if she would let me know.
We then had the whole conversation loop about why she didn’t want/couldn’t have op.
I told her I wouldn’t discuss it any more and also said I was worried about her memory as she said a few, “ I didn’t know…” things about stuff we’d l
takked about. Immediately she remembered but said she didn’t mean that etc.I honestly don’t know about her cognition, at times she is sharp as a tack, but I think it’s easier for her to avoid stuff Han to admit she doesn’t understand, or even just plain doesn’t like it.
So, I will know one way or another this afternoon (I’m assuming if she doesn’t get through, or doesn’t try they will give the space to someone else anyway. Then she will say but she was going to go ahead…)
@GnomeDePlume , you are doing so amazingly well, keep looking after yourself as much as possible.
@Bweave I second the others, spare yourself the stress and tell her it can’t be done because … internet says no…
@MittensTheKittens , I hope this week is kinder towards you, you sound incredibly resilient!
To everyone here, we are all amazing and here’s to a peaceful week for us all.

@Podgedodge I'm coming late to this conversation, but hope she agrees to it. I can't remember the full background to her situation at the moment, but just wanted to say that I had prolapse surgery in my 40s and it was major surgery, completely wiped me out for a few days and I needed a lot of support in the first couple of weeks of recovery, it was as much as I could do to wander round the house a bit and make a cup of tea, sitting anywhere was really uncomfortable (a lot worse than after childbirth). It took three months for me to feel fully normal. So whatever care she has now, she will probably need a lot more in the first few weeks.

@funnelfan thank you. You reminded me that while I can grasp things intellectually quite quickly, it can take weeks for it to filter down to knowing it at an emotional level.

DM is still in hospital and frankly delusional. The UTI has been pretty much sorted and they're looking at discharging her but she's mentally veering from able to hold a normal conversation to inconsolably distraught because she thinks she's in New York and the nurses are conspiring against her. I've not had much luck so far in getting the medical staff to appreciate this is a sudden downturn for her.

This morning has revealed that she's spent much of the night messaging her entire contacts list pleading for help so I woke up to lots of messages from various people asking what's going on and why I'm "ignoring" her. Is she answering my calls? Of course not.

@JeffLebowski apologies, I cant remember why your DM was originally in hospital.

Something I am now aware of is 'hospital delirium'. I think this can be provoked by a number of things: broken sleep, unfamiliar surroundings, dehydration, repeated UTIs.

If that is what your DM is experiencing then the 'cure' is going back to normal surroundings.

I’m my mums carer and I’m the contact point for appointments for both hospitals and GP. My mums deaf so she couldn’t deal with a phone call and I have to take her. So it’s better for them to deal with me . Plus my mum mislays any hospital letters .

Ive read it and totally agree with you Especially regarding the tissues . But being my mums carer, I thought it threw up a lot of important issues

@GnomeDePlume she went in with (drumroll please) a UTI and dehydration.

I got through to a different doctor today who also mentioned hospital delirium as a possibility but he also said that when he saw her this morning she seemed fine. He was surprised when I told him that not an hour earlier DM had sent me a text saying the nurses were trying to make her pay for everyone's lunches but she didn't have any dollars... He's going to do some cognitive tests.

@JeffLebowski and did that raise any alarm bells with Dr before he talked to you?
Are we really all just shouting into the void here?

@Podgedodge i think there's just a lot of staff turnover so there's limited continuity of care. There's just a series of staff who give the meds, do the next set of obs and update the notes, which then get read by someone else who tweaks the meds and round we go. If it's not in the notes it didn't happen.

DM is "getting better" because her obs say she's no longer got infection markers in her blood and urine. The fact that she's not sure what continent she's on only becomes apparent if you chat to her or she sends you a bonkers text. The problem is that getting through to the doctors on the ward to tell them this really hard as no-one is capable of returning a sodding phone call.

Continuity of care!
that was talked about upthread, and could really help so much with at least some of the situations we are all dealing with.
I hope your DM recovers the best she can as soon as she can.

@JeffLebowski I hope you get somewhere now that the Dr has agreed to do cognitive tests. I think part of the issue with anything relating to cognitive problems is that HCP are rarely given time to spend very long with any patient, and you often see a series of different people (even in hospital). So it's hard for them to realise what's unusual. Plus, often people with cognitive problems are surprisingly good at hiding them in the very short term, and with 'official' people. I remember taking DM for some blood tests when we were waiting for a memory clinic appointment. For weeks she'd been having increasingly worrying delusions, calling me at all times of the night, claiming to have fallen (there were never any signs of an actual fall), accusing people of trying to steal from her etc. But she put on a great show for the nurse- smiling, saying how much she was enjoying the good weather etc. Even when she asked directly how she was feeling and how she was managing on her own she replied that everything was absolutely fine and she had been going out on the bus to see friend (which sounds perfectly normal except she had not left the house without help and a lot of persuasion for months). When I explained the real situation to the nurse and asked if there was anything that could be done to speed up the full assessment Mum acted like a grumpy teenager, clearly cross with me for 'snitching' on her. (The nurse did flag it with the GP though and they did get us a referral to another HCP who helped a lot).

@JeffLebowski solidarity.

The Good Housekeeping mag arrived today, she was able to understand that Aldi mince pies won best in class and I've got to bring some with me tomorrow.

But also chatting absolute rubbish... I think she's read too many crime novels.

@JeffLebowski I think there is a real unwillingness amongst HCPs to recognise that a patient hasnt 'got better'. Part of this is because it messes up their KPIs. Partly it is because at a very basic level they cant accept that not everything is curable.

IME with DM, patients were given roughly 2 weeks in any given ward. After 2 weeks strenuous efforts would be made to discharge the patient or at least move them on. DM was moved on to the re-ablement ward despite having a raging UTI which was clear in her blood test results. Didnt matter, she was scheduled to move on so on she must go.

I'm starting to think 90% of NHS funding is spent on old ladies who have a UTI, dehydration and are delirious and may have fallen over and hurt themselves.

There must be a better way.