Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

@rookiemere I totally get you on visits being a chore to be got through.

At least for me they are now less stressful. DM is now unable to leave her bed and lives in a mostly pleasant dream world. Better than when I would find her in tears or furious about some imagined slight.

@bigdogpaws yes, my DB sees himself as the 'DM whisperer'. Anything which differs from his rules on how DM should be cared for is deemed 'harsh' or 'uncaring'.

I suspect your DB is planning to do what my DAunt did to my DGM. Slowly absorb all her assets. No malice intended of course.

To whom will you be portrayed as having abandoned your DM?

I'm afraid as DB got more and more control over DM, I mattered less and less to her. Looking back I slowly withdrew.

@GnomeDePlume Unfortunately I think you're right about Brother absorbing Mum's assets. In principle it's of no consequence to me if he's prepared to be her carer- my plan would be to sell her house and use all her assets to pay for residential care at the appropriate time and I've never assumed any inheritance anyway. My worry is that either a) it all goes wrong but there's no money left to pay for care and brother refuses to move out and sell the house or b) they manage but they burn through her savings and come looking to me to prop up their funding or take over the carer role. The idea of Mum paying living costs in exchange for care sounds reasonable in theory but for years now the running costs for her (large) home have been more than her income and household expenses will be much higher with a full family living there.

To answer your question re me being portrayed as having abandoned them- I think this will be what Brother tells the few extended family members and very old friends of Mum's that are still in touch, plus HCP, social services and Mum's neighbours. None of it any consequence to me, except that if/when things go wrong I suspect some of them will be in touch to tell me it's my turn to 'step up'.
I've also withdrawn a lot since it's become apparent that Brother is in control. I've had to for my own sanity. When the series of crises that led us here first starter I dropped everything to be with Mum and there were months when I, DH or both were with her pretty much 24/7. When it became obvious that she actually had long-term care needs I told her and Brother that I could only continue doing this whilst we got a proper care plan in place. That didn't go down well at all

Just marking my spot for the moment, thank you @rookiemere . Another visit to DMum ended up with me trying to leave and her begging me to stay till she'd done this, then done that (none of which I could help with), me getting impatient and saying I needed to go and her screaming at me that she might as well just kill herself, and that I'd be one my own one day and see how awful it is, all this in front of DD. She's not even totally alone, DDad (who is an absolute sweetheart) is in a nearby home. Not sure how much more of this I'm up for.

Thanks for the new thread, I’ll keep checking in even though I’ve now “graduated”, and hand round the drinks/snacks and plump up the cushions.

DB and I have a plan for probate - I’ll do it online and he can co-sign from abroad as long as he has an internet connection. The only asset of any note is the house and we’re getting a surveyor to do a probate valuation so it should be straightforward (she says). Then when we get probate granted we’ll get a solicitor to do the legalities for him buying me out of the house so that’s all above board.

i was quite chilled until I opened today’s post to find a letter from HMRC demanding income tax from mums estate, some going back to 23/24 tax year. I’m afraid my immediate reaction ended in “off” and the secondary reaction was that they can jolly well show me their working out rather than just send me a bill.

@funnelfan always grateful for your support and wisdom on these threads. It’s so useful to hear from those who have trodden the path ahead of us.

That’s very kind of you.

I’ve been quite ok, and not really grieving in the same way I did for Dad or even MiL. It been noted that I’m very matter of fact and even on the day of the funeral I only had two brief emotional moments. I really think the support I’ve had here to various bouts of ranting and worry has prepared me - along with the advance grieving that comes with the various forms of dementia and cognitive decline.

I just feel relief - I’m one of the fortunate ones on here in mostly having had a good relationship with my mum and I do miss her, but as she was before Dad died. I don’t miss the very frail and confused version of recent years.

Apart from the paperwork, the one thing I must do is refocus myself and my life. And not drift. I remember the conversations I had with mum after her mum died and asked her what she was going to do with all the time she got back, and reminding her all the things she’d said she wanted to do when she was deep in grandma-wrangling. She did none of it in the end, and didn’t even pick back up her old interests and I don’t think it did her any good in the long term.

Yay, new thread.

Things are relatively okay-ish around here. Mum's dog has managed to escape several times and Mum hardly ever answers her phone (because she won't wear her hearing aids and so doesn't hear it unless it's right beside her) so there was some trouble getting her back home. Mum's lovely neighbour has circulated the dog's photo on the neighbourhood WhatsApp so hopefully she can be returned if she gets found again.

Mum has had a little flurry of signing up to stuff that I or DB have to cancel. She has the executive processing ability to phone and give her credit card for things like holidays but when DB sees the email confirmation he can then cancel. She almost never remembers that she had ordered stuff or booked the holiday so she doesn't really care that it gets canceled.

Can I join you please? I'm in need of some tea and sympathy and a nice sit down.

My Mum contacted me 15 times yesterday - from afternoon until 9pm at night. Seven of them were mistakes, voice recordings without any content, but it adds to the feeling of relentlessness.

She's in a care home and very unhappy but she doesn't have dementia so could choose not to do this.

She had a minor upsetting incident and called me in floods of tears (I had missed an earlier call) saying she didn't want to bother family with it so had rung a friend after I didn't pick up. So apparently she DID want to bother the family with it. And she rang me again anyway so why lie about not wanting to bother family with it?! I asked when the incident had happened and she said "just now", despite the first (missed) call being three hours earlier so another alternative fact there.

Urgh. Sorry, I'm probably not making much sense but I just feel so defeated by it all.

Sending tea or gin for those dealing with similar.

Thank you for your kind words @rookiemere I think you are spot on that sod all with be what comes back from the care home but I will ask anyway.

My DM is on medication for depression and anxiety but perhaps they could get her additional support.

I am considering booking a holiday with DH and the DC for October half-term, just so I have an excuse to turn my phone off for a week.

Deep sympathy to you, @Exhaustedpickle . It's a good idea to turn the phone off, or to block your mum, if you know that the care home will contact you if necessary. You can always unblock her for an hour or so, morning and afternoon, so that she can sometimes get through, which might minimise accusations that you're avoiding her!

This scenario is, thankfully, one I'm likely to avoid. My DM's eyesight is too poor to see to dial my number. She has my brother dials all calls for her. I've suggested that she needs to be able to call independently if there's an emergency and he's not in. But my suggestions - a giant keypad phone, setting up speed dialling, programming Alexa to access her call list and respond to her instructions for this - have all been ignored. Just like all my other suggestions. What do I know? -- nothing. It's not just inaction from her - I could understand if she can't work out how to institute the necessary changes - but my siblings haven't done anything about it either.

There is truly nowt so queer as family dynamics. But at least I'm not swamped with phone calls!!

Sympathy @Exhaustedpickle my mum was doing this to me (she's not in a CH but Dad is and she is not coping and was phoning /texting me constantly). I carved up the summer with DB, who is a teacher, he had three weeks away when I had the entire parent workload and it nearly finished me off but he did pick up the bulk of it when he got back and I stopped taking calls/answering texts. He's back at work now but she hasn't been so bad and I have tried to avoid getting sucked into text spirals of doom. But her anxiety is through the roof and every time I visit she ends up in hysterics when I try to leave. It is so hard. But everyone here has been through the mill and gets it, ot really helps to have the threads to offload on

Thank you @Eclipsing and @ElderlyDilemmas it's nice to talk to people who get it without judging.

I'm sorry @Eclipsing that your very sensible ideas have been ignored, especially when they would make life easier for everyone. My Mum mentioned wanting an Alexa and I was all for it until I realised that it's most common request will be "call Pickle" 😮

@ElderlyDilemmas sorry you've been through this too. I feel guilty for feeling the way I do but I think it's compassion fatigue or something like it. Like your Mum, mine has really bad anxiety and I do sympathise but I can't just take that load from her and absorb it myself. My DH is undergoing cancer treatment at the moment and I want to be able to focus more on that instead of having to be my DM's emotional crutch.

@rookiemere you're right, it is so much more that that. A week without the phone sounds like bliss! It sounds like you really needed that time away.

I thought that DM moving into a care home would reduce the number of calls and 'emergencies' but while my DSis and I no longer get calls about needing to urgently replace a lightbulb, the emotional stuff hasn't dropped off at all.

@Exhaustedpickle sending sympathy. I think we all understand the feeling that it's not that you don't care and want to help, but you have to be able to distance yourself a little to avoid the elderly parents 'wants' eclipsing everyone else's 'needs'.

@Eclipsing It's very frustrating when siblings aren't on the same page. I have sort of the reverse issue with DM's phone. She is finding it increasingly difficult to use any phone. Brother and his partner refuse to accept that this is a dementia issue (she also has poor vision so they focus on that) and keep trying to get her to use new devices with bigger keys/clearer screens/voice activation etc. All it's doing is completely confusing her as the reality is she just can't process how to do any of this and trying to learn a new method is even worse.
A word of warning if you do persuade your Mum to use Alexa to make calls. When Mum's vision first became a problem and before we realised that there was also a cognitive issue, I set up Alexa for her in her kitchen and bedroom and set it so she could 'drop in' to mine. The idea was that if she had a problem and couldn't find her phone (a common issue) or couldn't get to the landline she could just shout to alexa and get through to my house. Since I work from home there's usually someone around. It was fine at first and she'd only 'drop in' when she really needed to- usually to say she couldn't see her phone and could I call it so she could hear it. Eventually though she started 'dropping in' all the time, especially if I didn't answer my phone. Not ideal when I have work video calls etc- a real sign for me that there was something going on with her brain was when my usually fairly prim DM dropped in 'for a chat' when I was in the middle of a meeting and swore at everyone because I told her I couldn't chat right now.

Well…another worry to add to my list. Have namechanged, but have MIL who is late 80s and lives 400 miles away. There is no one else. She needs an operation (entirely caused by her own stubbornness in believing what she was warned would happen wouldn’t happen to her and it’s happened).
She is having a preop assessment in about 3 weeks which is fine, I have the date and can get there and take her to the hospital. The letter then states the operation will give 21 days notice (which I can work with) but may be in local hospital, fine, or county hospital, 35 miles away. I know I am troubling trouble, but cannot really work out what to do if this is the case. I fly or get the train to see her because it’s an 8 hour drive, and my wee car and me are just not up to it, so I do not have a car while there. I take her in a taxi to local hospital, but I’m not sure that is practical for a 35 mile trip. I don’t know, maybe it is the only solution.
I don’t want to hire a car because she lives on a ridiculously busy road with no parking and I’ve never hired a car before and it makes me nervous to think about scratching it etc and I will be nervy enough all ready.
Bus travel is absolutely out for her.
I am going to have to listen to her for the next three weeks (she phones me every day) telling me they should have given her a hysterectomy rather than a pessary last year and she doesn’t know why they didn’t. She does not listen, or believe any reasons why they didn’t I give and now is just saying, I know it annoys you when I say this, but blah blah blah, the same thing every time.
Also one random person told her nothing would happen if the pessary was left in, so she doesn’t not believe the consultant, the nurses or me that it will not be good for her to leave it, particularly as she needs an op to remove it because her insides have started to grow over it (sorry tmi)
Im trying to be kind to her and try to put her mind at rest, but she is such a negative person and always decides on the worst possible outcome and refuses to be comforted. She has always been like this since I’ve known her, losing my DH, her Husband and my BIL within 4 years of each other has not helped, understandably.
Sorry for essay, but just saying it all does help.
Would wise cockroaches just suggest getting a taxi and sod the cost?( I am aware, I am now looking at worst case scenario, just like her, but I hope with an aim of solving an issue, not just throwing my hand up in the air. She is already saying she’ll cancel it if it’s at county hospital…

@Podgedodge I live in a rural area and all hospital appts here are many miles away. Most are 100 miles away.

There are transport volunteers who can take patients to these appointments. I'd ring the hospital transport department and ask them if there's a similar set up in your MIL's area - or if she's actually entitled to hospital transport.

Thank you @TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne .
That sounds like a positive and practical thing I can do.
I’ll contact them now.

Thanks @bigdogpaws I know the CC patrons get it and unfortunately are going through similar. My DM's wants are absolutely eclipsing everything and that's after I put some boundaries in around visits.

Your Alexa story has put me off for life!!

@Podgedodge you should be able to organise patient transport, which is free. I have done it for my DM and it takes all the anxiety out of wondering where to go and how to park etc. It does need to be booked in advance though so give them a call as soon as you have a date. Good luck!

@Exhaustedpickle My sympathies, it can be exhausting. I recently didn't answer a phone call from my DM. It's probably the first time in my life that I chose to not answer. I knew that she was phoning to complain, I knew what she was going to be complaining about and also that there wasn't anything that I could do to solve it for her. I felt guilty but also intensely relieved. Her memory is really bad so I phoned her the next day and told her that I had 'missed' a call and she couldn't remember why she had phoned.

When my DB had to have emergency surgery she phoned me every 45 minutes or so to have exactly the same conversation over and over again. DB and I have now agreed not to let her know, if possible, if we are seriously ill in future because she absolutely spirals. Before she started showing signs of dementia she was always very calm about these things so it took us a bit by surprise.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar I think with parents who have dementia, when you are confident they will be safe, you have to give yourself permission not to answer every call and not feel guilty. I know from seeing her call other people that my DM will make a call about the smallest thing that comes in to her mind but forget all about it if there's no answer, whereas sometimes if she does get someone to discuss it with her than small passing thought becomes a Big Thing. I've learned that I should only answer if I have time to just chat (because trying to hurry her stresses her) and distract if she starts to complain about things we can't control or seems to be building something up in to a big deal. In many ways it seems to go against what I would have thought I should do- especially distracting her when she wants to talk about real concerns that have no solution. But I've realised that she is increasingly only really living in the moment so giving her time to voice her worries just means time spent worrying, whereas shifting the conversation to something that makes her happy means that in that moment she feels better. I've also found that it's unwise to share anything but the blandest news (even good news like the DC passing exams/starting a new course etc) with Mum as anything that might signal a change or the slightest risk sends her off in a spiral. Like your DM, mine would previously would have been calm and collected, and enjoyed talking about new opportunities. I do wonder if part of this is her somehow thinking she needs to be involved in any changes in the family (good or bad) or take some responsibility and being worried that she doesn't know what or how. A few times she has told me that she's worried and 'busy' with something she needs to do because eg. someone she knows is moving house- and I'm sure all that has happened is that they have mentioned it in passing. She was always someone who like to involve herself (to be polite about it!) so I think perhaps her mind still thinks she is 'helping' everyone.

@BlackAmericanoNoSugar I think it's very healthy to 'miss' the odd phonecall!

@Podgedodge I second looking for at patient transport, or see if there is any community transport schemes which may help. My DM is also 100s of miles away and organised lifts, taxis and someone to stay overnight at short notice is my new expertise. Thankfully where DM is in Ireland she has a great geriatric community nursing team who'll step in and offer help when they can.
And snap to BlackAmericano. I can't tell my mother any health related information anymore as she gets very distressed. And keeps trying to get pizza delivered to me. Its a werid response from a woman who hated all forms of non home cooked food all her life.

@Podgedodge you may find that you can’t book patient transport until you know the date needed, which makes sense, but also risks missing the window when transport is available before slots fill up. If that happens, I would suggest biting the bullet and hiring a car. It won’t be as bad as you think, you can ask for something small if you want, and at least you will be in control of your own timings etc. Besides patient transport, it’s the best of all the other options.

@bigdogpaws I recognise that spiralling of emotion.

Something I also noticed was how DM's mood could switch on a sixpence. Perfectly happy one minute then something would unsettle her, perhaps just a shadow, and she would be insisting she had to 'go home', furious, fighting.

Thankfully now, even if she does have a switch of mood, the worst she can do his slide her legs off her bed onto the crash mats.