Cockroach Cafe - Autumn

Still feeling very low, exhausted and panic attack-y. But at least DH is taking my reaching end of tether seriously.

I am working tomorrow somewhere I like so will be distracted with that.

DH and I have a plan to tackle DM. I will attempt to talk some sense into DM early next week ie a choice between moving somewhere suitable asap and auctioning her house or getting in sufficient help while she clings on and waits for a conventional sale. I'm pretty certain that will fail so DH will be deployed to try next after we have had someone round to assess and quote for some important work on her house. After so as not to provoke her to cancel the upcoming appointment.

Visited ER in hospital, delivering the enormous bag of fruit and chocolate she'd asked for, and a scarf to cover where they took a biopsy.
The invoice for the house alarm has been paid, with me holding her hand doing it all for her and showing her and saying "is this ok".

Went around to the house after and found an overdue Stannah invoice.
Well, I may well be taking her finance POA into her bank tomorrow to start the process (with some foreboding, as, like everyone, I've heard the stories where they mess it up ). Worst case, I can get it paid next Sat. (Work being done on house so may not be able to go down in the week - we'll see).
There was also one of those outrageous TV licensing letters - I immediately filled in the form saying she doesn't watch any TV at all. (She likes 24/7 R3, and was playing it from her phone in the ward lol - but very quietly!)

The lovely neighbours are feeding the cat and moved some furniture, and there's a special bed now in what used to be the dining room, with some transfer equipment.

So she might be home quite soon.
She seems to have "taken agin" the current care company and wouldn't explain why, but as she's getting care in from someone else - that's up to her.

Crucially, nothing too mad or dangerous is going on, and we have hopefully earned ourselves Sunday free.

How are we all doing? DH dragged me out to an exhibition and lunch. Of course had running stream of messages going but hey.

@HoneyButterPopcorn I found out that my employer offers third-party counselling sessions as part of their employee assistance program and it's been hugely beneficial for me. I hope the talking therapy you're being offered is as useful for you as I've found it for me.

Long-term stress is really bad for you. 20 years ago, and for entirely different reasons, I found myself in some enormously stressful life circumstances. That left me with lingering health issues that I'm still dealing with today. I'm having to be really careful to manage my stress levels with my DM as I know that if I don't then there's a genuine risk I could end up in hospital myself.

My DM doesn't understand (or care? who knows) that I'm not able/willing to drop everything and go and see her every time she's having a bad day. I've got a full-time job and my own life; going to see her in hospital is a round-trip that takes three to four hours depending on traffic. The counsellor I'm talking to is helping me to accept that I'm not superman, that I can't do everything for everyone, and that I can only spread myself so thin.

Failing that, it’s witness protection.

Our council does talking therapies and I’ve actually signed up for it. I’m the words of Popeye, ‘I can’t takes it no more’.

Woke up this morning feeling like I had a troupe of monkeys tap dancing in my guts.

DSis got another message but luckily it wasn't really concerning or needing any action. She cheerfully passed it on to us and we viewed to deny this ever happened.

There was a moment this afternoon when I realised my phone was down to 17% so I turned it off. It was genuinely a complete coincidence that we were in the middle of a tour of a booze making establishment and about to hit the final section where you did some "tasting".

Going home tomorrow. One of the other family matriarchs has rung ER up, and the proposed arrangements for her return home sound safe enough.
Though whether they actually turf her out tomorrow, or we have to go to the hospital again to visit her Sat, I don't yet know.

@JeffLebowski if I wasn't an only child I'd think we had the same mother. We've had a step back day today. Yesterday she seemed so good.

Except mine can't use a mobile phone, so I'm saved from that horror.

Today is banking panic.

Yesterday DM accidentally tried to use her credit card in supermarket instead of debit card and ofc the debit card PIN didn't work. DH stepped in and paid for shopping and when they got back to hers he showed her that "debit" and "credit" is in fact printed on the cards to distinguish them. He also persuaded DM to put the credit card away safely as she never uses it. Apparently she had fished it out in case she needed it to pay electrician for a new bathroom heater (yes that really was broken) and managed to put it in her shopping purse.

Today DM calls in a tizzy because she has worried all night and now thinks she needs to phone bank to change the debit card PIN. Thankfully DH fielded the call and talked her off that particular ledge.

My mums the same , rarely rings me and doesn’t have a mobile and if I ring her , she rarely answers because she hasn’t put her hearing aids in and can’t hear it ringing . However I am only a 10 minute drive from her . Luckily she has carers 2 a day .

Sadly I’ll just be dispatched to JL toot-sweet with a handful of notes to get a replacement - and then have the trauma of setting it up. 😱

sensory deprivation tanks are looking appealing. Do they make domestic ones? I don’t need anything too big. A barrel will do…

@HoneyButterPopcorn i'll give you an alibi for destroying your ER's phone if you'll do the same for me.

When I read some of the posts on here I'm glad mum never thinks to call/message me. The flip side is she stopped answering the phone so if I called to check up on her/let her know I was coming/ confirm arrangements for an appointment I then had to decide whether to shrug it off and carry on regardless or panic and drive an hour to find her watching TV and insisting the phone can't be working as it didn't ring. Funnily enough it always rang when I tested it from my mobile.

Ten messages and one deleted. And I’ve not even had my first cuppa coffee yet. I’m going to plot a graph…

DM still in hospital, originally with UTI but now with a couple of other issues. Her confusion is improving but in a two steps forward, one step back kind of way.

She's now taken to starting group messages, calls and video chats in the middle of the night to her entire contact list pleading for help, complaining that she's not had any food, saying that I've abandoned her, and demanding to go home. I then get to spend the morning being contacted by random worried people who want to know what's going on. Yay.

@funnelfan that's an idea, thank you.

For anyone wondering, when kidneys stop working, compounds like urea build up and come out in the patient's breath. So the patient's area can smell strongly of urea or ammonia.

The only effective treatments for kidney failure are transplant (I'm not offering) or dialysis (DM not suitable).

I realised the staff thought mum was in her final few days when they brought in an electric scent diffuser for the room, for everyone’s comfort. “Baby powder”, wasn’t too bad actually and did help. Also helped that it was summer and the window was open.

Gone quiet here now. May have had a small glass of 🍷with dinner, normally don't bother but it's quite cheap here...

All quiet on the northern front here.

Wishing you all a stiff gin and a peaceful evening.

Pushing 60 messages today - and this was my attempted ‘back off’ day.

@MittensTheKittens Social Services can do all of that except for the plumber (at least in my experience). The keysafe was a little nervewracking as technically we need planning permission for it (listed building) but the council conveniently didn't notice that when they installed it and therefore it's become a battle for another day. SS argued the toss about doing the pre-discharge prep, but as two of us have to take annual leave to be able to travel to ER's house, and need at least 2 weeks warning, there was no other way than for them to sort it out for her as part of her care package.

I agree. The only blessing dementia gives is that most of the time she doesnt know her situation. On the thankfully rare occasions DM is lucid she is upset.

@MysterOfwomanY
I'm a practical planner, who wants to feel useful.

@bigdogpaws we have a lifeline alarm service with a pendant and carers going in twice a day. When I say around all the time I mean really on hand to sort any disasters out. I don’t visit every day.

The issue is from my point of view that he is away EVERY weekend, assumes I am therefore on hand to pick up shopping, newspapers, keep her company, arrange and take her to any appointments, do all the admin, sort out the central heating, fix hearing aids or any niggling thing needing doing as if my time is of no value and I’m not allowed a week where I don’t have to think of her needs.

He texted me yesterday to say her central heating wasn’t on and could I sort it out! He was in her house at the time FFS.