Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

This. OP needs to use Google translate.

ILR doesn’t work like that. If you leave the UK for two years, your ILR automatically expires. How long has she been gone? Did she bother getting a returning residents visa? Or does she come from a country where temporary visitors don’t need visas, so she just sailed through the control acting like it was a temporary visit?

If you stay outside the UK, Ireland or the Crown Dependencies (Isle of Man, Guernsey and Jersey), for 2 or more years at a time your ILE or ILR will automatically end.
If you have been granted settled status under the EU Settlement Scheme, your leave will automatically end if you stay outside the UK, Ireland or the Crown Dependencies (Isle of Man, Guernsey and Jersey) for 5 or more years. If you’re a Swiss citizen with settled status under the EU Settlement Scheme, you and your family members can spend up to 4 years in a row outside the UK, Ireland or the Crown Dependencies before your leave automatically ends. Your family members do not have to be Swiss citizens.
If this happens you will need to apply for entry clearance as a returning resident before coming back to live in the UK. Further information is available in the guidance on returning residents visas.

Since she doesnt speak English hopefully she wont understand what the MH team are saying to you. Tell her to go out for a walk

When she is on the sofa, tell her to move or your partner to move and you sit next to your baby
Next time he wants sex, tell him to shag Mammy
Get her making dinner, hand her the hoover, dishes and tell her to clean
Take yourself off upstairs to your room and have a nap with baby, lock the door or stick a wedge under the door to stop her coming in when you are sleeping, breatfeeding

Better yet get those boobs out and stop feeling odd about it, it might encourage her to move out

Look she moved in at your invitation, so its partly your own fault, even though you were being nice to her at the time and pregnant so I cant really say too much about it
Can you make pals with her at all? It could work out ok in the long run, or you could be digging 2 graves yet lol

Otherwise one of the two of you is going to have to move put and the house sold or rented out

OP I remember your other thread and I really hoped you’d manage to get away from him.

Have you told your therapist about the things he’s done? Please do. And please please talk it through with a domestic abuse line. May be things have improved but he has shown you who he is.

Is he sleeping on the sofa now if MIL has the spare room? Hopefully he will get very fed up with that soon.

You agreed to it while you were pregnant, your life was vastly different then. I had no idea what I was in for with post partum, it was a very hard year for me physically and mentally.

Its totally reasonable that you said yes to something without realising a) how your mental health might be post partum, and b) how significantly her arrival would impact that mental health.

Its okay for you to change your mind on something so big!

Also, surely the plan cant have been she would stay with you forever?! If she's in her 60s she could live another 30 years. Youve helped her escape an abusive relationship, you've done the nice thing, now she needs to sort her own life out. She's a grown woman and should not be relying on you, particularly when you've got a tiny baby to take care of.

She sounds dreadful by the way. You need to be honest about all of this and say you've changed your mind, because what's the alternative? You are just miserable for the rest of your life with this woman in your space? She needs to go.

Right now your health and the baby’s health are the absolute priority, you need to say she has to leave. Do not feel bad about this, she is a grown woman who can leave her abusive partner in a different way, she cannot live with you right now. Be strong for you and your babies sake.

Is MIL going to be paying any rent? I assume she can’t claim any benefits here? She may not be as bad as you think. She can’t speak English, has suddenly arrived in another culture, won’t know how to get out and about, feeling lonely etc. she likely feels very awkward about it all herself.

I would use google translate and try to get your bearings with her…maybe she will be willing to help out a lot if you ask and then do a lot of the housework and cooking etc. she may not being doing much as in her culture it may be rude to do things in another woman’s house without being asked to first.

I remember your original post. Glad to hear your partner has become less abusive, hopefully he has realised the way he treated you was unacceptable. In regard to MIL, you do need to chat with him and explain your issues, he then needs to relay them to her. Alternatively, you need to stick up for yourself and tell her ‘no’ - this word is universal. Given his past behaviour, he really should be grovelling and putting you before MIL

*I can't natter with her as we don't speak the same language.
She keeps grabbing 5 week old DS off me.

I can't breastfeed downstairs as I'm uncomfortable with her seeing my breasts.

She has taken my spot on the sofa in between where DP sits and DS's moses basket and she will sit and rock the basket when DS cries meanwhile I am on the small sofa where I can't even lie down.
She keeps rearranging the kitchen.
She comes from a culture that is taboo about mental health and she is always in the living room so I've had to ask my mental health support team to let me come to their office for appointments as I'm uncomfortable them coming to my home -
I had to travel to a psychological appointment (that would usually be a home visit) in the storm today with DS on the bus.
She stays up until midnight most nights*.

OP, that's a whole mess of stuff you are unhappy with. But there is quite a lot here that you can control - where other posts have said breastfeed in front of her, she can move if she doesn't like it - it is you that is uncomfortable with this. You put this in your first post. Are you (were you?) comfortable breastfeeding in front of your partner? Would you consider a modesty scarf while you feed in comfort? Perhaps MIL has it in her head that she's there to help you with the baby - "grabbing him" to let you rest, "rocking the basket" when he cries, etc? She'd be a bit of a monster if she was ignoring the crying baby. Her using your spot on the sofa - is she / would she have been aware of this? Her rearranging the kitchen - there's no need to shout, as other posters have suggested, you can (I'm guessing) say "No" in a polite way? And! It's your choice not to see the healthcare professionals in your home, isn't it - your MIL isn't forcing you to take a bus in a storm. And "staying up until midnight" - this is your Partners Mum, you aren't the boss of her. As others have said, make her room comfortable, TV and an easy chair.

This is, however, not an ideal situation for any of you - although I don't see you suggesting your Partner move off the sofa, or him making any adjustments to accommodate his Mum.

Find your voice - please don't do the shouty thing, this is now your (and your baby's) family. Be a little understanding how this woman must feel having had an awful experience with her abusive partner. Moving countries, leaving her home. She is a guest in your home, she is your Partner's Mum, she hasn't set out to make your life miserable - you're doing a lot of that work for yourself (and I mean this kindly). You've entered a new phase in your life and it's not panning out as you had imagined (referring to the last thread on here too). I'd suggest you let go of any ideas you had of "perfect" maternity leave and try and be a bit more chill.

Just an opinion.

Ah OP, you haven’t ruined anything. This must all feel really like too much at the moment, but I promise you it is surmountable.

First you need to let your partner know you need to talk to him, to give him some warning that you’re not happy. He likely has a good idea of this.

Then let him know you’d like your old position back on the settee. Explain what you explained here. Then just go and sit there. It can’t be that his mum takes your place next to baby.

Then ask him how he’s finding having his mother there? Ask him what sort of timeframe they are thinking about. Hopefully he’s also not enjoying it and can see it isn’t working. If he says forever you’ll have to say you are terribly sorry but you think it’s been a mistake for her to move in and you would like her to move out.

Have your mental health appointments at home - hopefully it will underline to mum that she needs to find an alternative solution.

You have every right to live as you wish in your own home.

All the best to you xx

"She is your Partner's Mum, she hasn't set out to make your life miserable - you're doing a lot of that work for yourself (and I mean this kindly)"

You can't just write that you mean something kindly and it automatically not be unkind.

Thats a pretty horrible thing to say to someone 5 weeks post partum, with hormones all over the place, who has a mental health team in place. Do you tell depressed people to stop being so negative?!

Post partum is one of the most vulnerable times in a woman's life, how she is treated by her own partner and his family absolutely matters. Its OP's house, if she doesnt want someone there 24/7 dossing on the sofa and watching the telly until early hours then actually she is the boss. Its her house. Not MILs.

How strange to say OP should be considering the MIL. No, she should be prioritising herself and her baby, nobody else. Grabbing a 5 week old baby from its mother is indefensible no matter how you spin it.

As joint tenants they are both responsible for the mortgage so she probably wouldn't be able to afford both mortgage and rent on a new place. Better all round that MIL goes elsewhere, do not leave the house or she'll never leave.

You were trying to do something kind, but it's obviously not working, and it's okay to change your mind. You need space and time alone with your baby and partner, and your MIL will have to be made to understand that. Your partner has to understand that and work to make things comfortable for you again. Because you can't communicate with his mother, he'll have to be the one to manage it (and he should be, anyway, as it's his mother). If your partner has been abusive, you'll eventually need to leave him, but it doesn't all have to happen at once. Just keep reminding yourself that this isn't forever and you aren't actually trapped, even if it feels like you are. Things can change for the better.

You may have a language barrier with your MIL but your DP doesn’t. Get some time alone with him where you can calmly explain the issues and the outcome you’d like (whether that’s MIL not monopolising the couch/living room and some other compromises/adjustments to make the living situation better, through to her needing to find somewhere else to live). It should then be for him to sort it out with his Mother.

If he refuses, gives you a hard time or tries to guilt trip/pressure you into just going along with the current state, you know you have yourself a DP problem and then you need to really think long and hard about the future of the relationship, the household environment you would be raising your child in and the damage you could be doing to your mental and emotional health.

Take care of yourself @Aristocack

Oh no. I remember that thread. Everyone thought you should leave him or ask him to leave ... and instead you've now got his mother living with you? I'm sorry, but this isn't going to end well for you mentally.

You really need to rethink your relationship. It's not a healthy one. Ask your health team for support in getting him out of your life.

Wow im so sorry you feel this way, write a version of this in a text to partner with an ultimatum. You cannot go on like this and eventually you will snap.. your partner may not even be aware of how bad things are for you. Give him.a chance to react to what you say above and then kick him and mother out the house if ignored. Your baby is your priority and you need to be physically and mentally healthy to be the best mum you can be.. partner and mil will survive so think only of you and baby. Take care.

Sorry that your situation has ended up like this. I don’t think she’s going to be leaving in the short term. So….

Communication - your DH needs to know the score and talk to his DM about what is acceptable and what isn’t.
Has she got/can she use a smart phone to translate?

Lounge arrangements. Rearrange the room and stake your claim early on. Sort out what is going to be on the TV. Some of what you want when you want, some of hers.

Sanctuary. Have you the space to make your bedroom/spare room into a more private sitting room. Where you can watch what you want, feed when you want or just chill out by yourself? If not for you then your MIL? Would she use it?

Are there any new mothers’ groups you can go to, just you and your new baby - possibly when you feel better?

Could you encourage her to go out and meet others?

All the best.

I think they would be happy for you to disappear and they raise your child. Remember this and find the strength to fight them on everything. They need to fear you. It’s your life.

You are in deep, deep trouble. After posting about the horrible situation you lived in when your in-laws were visiting, you invite your MIL to live with you? I think you have serious issues that you need to work out. To start, sit down with your husband and tell him you have realised you cannot live with your MIL, and he must organise other arrangements. Get ready to deal with his opposition, your MIL's hate, etc. You've brought this upon yourself; you need to get yourself out of it.

Even if you had agreed she can come and stay permanently, you are allowed to change your mind. You are in a very vulnerable stage of life post partum, have health issues.

Your husband needs to tell his mother she needs to fit in and not dominate your house for the time being and that she needs to move out as this isnt working.

I am really sorry you are going through this hell. Sending hugs.

No, the mother needs to go and if the man won't stand up to his mother then him as well. Don't encourage her to do anything except move out. She knows exactly what she is doing by sitting between them, fussing the baby constantly and excluding her from conversations. There is pribavly medical term for it but she has the same illness as Norma Bates if you have ever seen Bates Motel or the recent Ed Gein series on Netflix with Charlie hunham

How will she be supporting herself financially? She surely can't be expecting to live for free?

I have no advice that's not already been said. This will not end well if you don't stand up for yourself (and your baby).

She can as she has IDR

If I'm reading this right, you agreed to the mil moving in and haven't told your partner that it's not working for you. I don't understand why people are saying to leave him when he doesn't know how you feel. At least have a discussion and give him a chance to rectify the situation. Maybe having her there isn't working for him either.