Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

I just feel sick reading your posts. I am 8m PP and had suffocating in laws but nowhere near to the same extent as you. Luckily DP is nice most of the time. If you want to chat or vent, please please please message me. I am on mat leave so pretty much always around. Really don’t want you to feel alone in this. Sending love xxx

Hang on in there with the medication. It does get better.

Women rationalizing dysfunctional patterns as okay is part of the problem in my opinion, that's why they repeat. One might argue raising concerns is scaremongering and not helpful at this point, that's a fair point.

IMO a lot of PPs have taken the medicine and OP's current normal "excitable" emotional state as well as the language barrier and the MIL's feelings into account, including OP.

There are a lot of red flags, though, the name-calling, shouting, the fact the SIL doesn't get along with her own mother either, the public shaming, the nonexistent boundaries, the lack of communication, the family history of abuse and trauma.

If OP feels she can wait for the medication to work properly and hold her own against this MIL from hell for as long as it takes while going on these little outings, then it's all to the good.

In the long term though, OP shouldn't have to numb herself with drugs while counting down the days until she gets back to work. It doesn't sound like this is paranoia, I think it is her gut feeling telling her this isn't right. DP seems to be in need of therapy, but with his mother settling in for the long term and him seemingly age regressing around her it's just not on the table. DP needs to understand his mother cannot stay with them forever.

Without a doubt, he needs to put you first immediately. I can't see the MiL situation improving in the long term, but here's what you could do in the short term for immediate relief. Speak to your OH and explicitly tell him the following with immediate effect:

• MiL needs to sit in the small sofa, you want your seat back;
• She needs to stop grabbing the baby. She can ask and then wait for your answer,
• She needs to be more respectful of your personal space,
• you and he need some time alone without her, so that you can decompress
• he needs to get her a TV in her room,
• if she wants to stay up till midnight, she can do it in her room,
• set her a curfew,
• she needs an eye test and new specs, so she can read subtitles,
• when you ask to have the living room to yourself, she needs to make herself scarce. That way yiu can have your health appointments in peace without schlepping about on the bus,
• you are ok with her staying a few weeks, but this cannot be a long term arrangement. Set some expectations for when she moves out. That's for him and his mum to sort out between them.
• tell him you are struggling enough at the moment without the lack of personal space and her constant presence/interference. He needs to prioritise you right now, because this is vasting a pall over what should be a really happy time with your newborn.

Insinuating to the OP that her concerns don't seem legitimate and that she ought to try to rationalise her discomfort and realise that her MIL is only trying to help, is not going to help her mental health in the way that you're suggesting.

It really and truly doesn't matter what MIL's intentions are, whether she means well or not her actions are upsetting a new mum and MIL being incapable of picking up on this distress (and to do so should be a normal human response that transcends most cultural barriers) is the crux of the issue here.

No-one is trying to fear monger or to heighten any of OP's mental health issues. However, to dismiss her needs at this period of her life (whether or not you see those needs as unnecessary or irrational) isn't going to help anything.

Have you contacted any of the domestic abuse charities such as Women's Aid or Rights of Women for help and advice. They can signpost you to a women's refuge if you feel that you and your baby aren't safe.

Your MIL has absolutely no right to take over your baby. You are caring for your DS properly and are doing a great job despite the awful situation that you are in.

Long-term, I don't think that staying in your marriage is the best thing to for you but at the moment you just need to do whatever you can so that you and your baby are safe.

I think your MIL needs to go, and go now - that might spell the end of your marriage - it sounds like it might, but at this point, lets be honest, your husband sounds like a useless bully and a very rude person, and you (even though you invited her) hate your MIL - you are actively hiding from her in your own house, and you want little or zero interaction with her - which also must confuse her, as you were the one who offered her to come and live with you! This all paints a very very bleak picture for you and it has already impacted you badly, your son will feel the implications of this as he gets older. She needs to go so you can recalibrate and heal.

I really feel for you, if I knew someone in your situation I would want to help, even if we were distantly related or not super close friends. Are you sure no extended family could help? Aunts, cousins etc?

I can also relate to your OCD and how not being able to carry out your coping strategies can make it spiral. You are doing really well though you are very aware of your feelings and what the OCD is doing.

This sounds like a really stressful situation for you, a new baby is hard enough without MH challenges and your partner is making things harder rather than being the support you need.
I do wonder how much of your current situation has come about due to mismatched expectations and lack of being able to talk to each other.
Your MIL is obviously going through her own difficulties and you were kind enough to provide a home for her. From her perspective, she is living on your good will on the basis that she provides childcare in exchange for her keep. Is it possible that she is desperate to keep in your good graces by doing as much as possible and you are seeing that as her trying to take over?
She may be feeling that she isn't upholding her end of the deal which is making her push herself on you even more. It wouldn't surprise me if she is feeling as unsettled as you and confused that you are hiding away, ignoring her and blocking her from providing the help her home is reliant upon.
It's a mumsnet cliche but you have a DH problem! He should be doing everything he can to provide that safe space for you, including listening to your worries about the whole situation and helping you communicate your current needs to his mum.
Of course, a new baby and a wife who is struggling as well as worry about his mum will have thrown him completely too so he may not be in the best place himself but it doesn't excuse him being nasty to you. If he could explain to his mum that you're in the new baby bubble and you're not ready for her to do childcare, you might find things improve dramatically.
With that breathing space and her being respectful and backing off you can find you own balance.
Honestly having someone in the house when you can't explain that you want to sit on the sofa or that you'd appreciate her not putting her feet on the chairs is always going to be a challenge let alone being able to share your childcare preferences with her.
At the minute, she does what she thinks is best and rather than you being able to tell her, you are undoing what she has done and she doesn't know why.
I'm not for a minute saying she's right in what she does and maybe she is an interfering cow who is trying to oust you! If you can somehow get her to understand what you need, you might find she can actually be a great source of support instead of the cause of so much pressure and stress for you.

So your partners mother abused him, to such an extent he abuses you, and he wants her to be childcare for your baby?

Please ask for a mother/baby unit.
You would be calm and safe and have company.

Talk to Women's aid.
You are being financially abused by your partner that he has brought someone rent free into your home.

I am so glad you are feeling supported on MN, but if you reach out in real life you can get more support to help you get out.

Please tell us that you have your own bank account?

If you feel bad for your MIL OP, and she is happy to use Google Translate, then why not tell her how you feel? Point out that while you're on maternity leave you really want to make the most of the time you are able to spend with your baby, and tell her that she's welcome to have the odd Grandma cuddle, but you don't need her to help with childcare yet, as you are around to do it all yourself. Then you could perhaps go on to tell her that she needs to start going out on her own, using Google Translate if she needs it, find her way around, and think about what she wants to do with her life in the future. You could even tell her that you've decided you don't want her to do child care when you go back to work, as you'd sooner your son goes somewhere that can care for him full time, whereas if you use her, you will struggle if she's unwell, to find someone to take over.

Ask Partner to move out with his Mother.
They can only return once you are completely comfortable.

Would it be feasible for you to consider writing something like you've just posted here about how you're glad that MiL is feeling safe, but that as a first time mum you're finding it difficult to bond with your DS in a way that makes you feel safe with her interferring. Spelling out what you are finding distressful about her actions and what you'd be prepared to accomodate from her. You can tell her how the changing of things you purchase or how you are dressing/swaddling the baby make you feel and how while you're not ungrateful for her cooking, as a post-partum mum, you aren't always finding that to be what you want to eat. I wouldn't attack her or criticise things she is doing (like sitting with her bare feet on your settee), but say (as you've indicated here), that you realise she's in a difficult situation herself and perhaps even say that when you're more confident caring for your new baby, you'd like to help her become more integrated into British society in some way (if you feel that you can say that even if you never do it). Run it through a translation programme and bypass your DH, so that she can understand why you're acting the way you are. You never know, she may actually be more sympathetic to you than she is now as she's only getting her explanations via her son, who obviously is not on your side and is quite likely portraying you as mentally unbalanced.

Succinct and 100% correct.