Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

What happened to your plan to escape to your mums and get away from this abusive family?

You have a partner who moved his family members in after you gave birth and tried to get you on the sofa so he could sleep! Tried to make out your hurt your baby and left them in the boot of a car. Spoke to his family in their language so you couldn’t understand.

Sounds like he then did the typical pattern of being really nice convinced you to stay and now returned to his previous behaviour. And moved his mum in. This is it. This is your life unless you change it.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Okay, I just wanted to say you have not ruined motherhood. I felt similarly by moving away from my home area to be near family and it didn't work out and I felt like I was so distracted thinking of things ither than my baby, who was so wanted and cherished. Motherhood is a long journey and you've npt ruined it.

You do need to be honest with your husband and tbh it doesn't sound like a relationship where you are prioritised at all. Speak up, it's YOUR HOUSE. Excuse me motherhood in law I need to sit by my baby. She makes a fuss?, great, sounds like a confrontation is needed to decide things one way or another.

I remember your previous thread and so many of us advised you to go and stay with your mum due to the awful actions of your husband, could you not do that? Regardless of the MIL situation he still treated you appallingly and clearly still doesn’t care so the advice will just be the same as previous thread.

My mother moved in with me under similar circumstances and it’s an absolute nightmare. It was supposed to be a short-term arrangement but it’s been four years now and her hearing and eyesight have deteriorated to such an extent that it would be cruel to make her move out. She’s too vulnerable.

You need to be very clear with your DH that this is not working for you and your MIL needs to find her own place before she gets her feet any more firmly under the table. As an adult it’s vital to have your own space away from parents! If he doesn’t back you up on this, they should both go.

Oh hang on, just rtft: definitely time to break free.

How did she pass the English test?

Put your programmes on. She’s walking all over you. What are you scared of? Because I would just change the channel. If she doesn’t like it she’d be complaining in a language I couldn’t understand anyway so you could ignore her !! So who cares

So something is stopping you?

I don't want to sound ignorant but if she lived in the UK before surely she must have had a little bit of English to get by day to day?

You need to take a hard look at your options and prioritise yourself and baby.

I would be straight on the phone to your councils homelessness service and tell them you and baby need emergency accommodation immediately get the hell out of there.

I completely agree. You need to become untouchable. Firm. Powerful. This is your home and your baby. Breastfeed where you want to. If she feels uncomfortable she can leave.

Have the mental health team come and be open and honest about how the people in the house are treating you and making your mental health suffer. If they have a problem with it ask "am I lying? No. If you stand by your behaviour then you won't have a problem with people knowing."

Never let anyone take your baby from your arms. Ever.

When you put your baby down in their basinet you turn to her and say "I need to sit there" and if she doesn't you turn to your husband and say "tell your mum to sit on the other sofa, I need to sit by my baby."

Put a TV in her room. And watch what you want on TV.

Your husband is a prick. His family are pricks. Your baby needs you so you cannot allow these people to push you into giving up. Take a deep breath, pull out your inner selfish bitch and stand up for your babys mother.

You have to put yourself and your baby first, as you are both the most important in all this.
I think you should go and stay with your mum for a bit of breathing space and support. Invite your DH over and tell him bluntly that this arrangement is not working and needs to stop immediately. He can then return and move MIL out to another relatives or she can return to her country and live independently there. You are not responsible for her.
Beyond that, then you can start thinking about your relationship and future.
You have had the most awful time and have not ruined your life or anyone else’s. You can’t see the wood for the trees right now as having a baby is hard enough without a stream of interfering and dominant relatives being involved.

I am very sorry for you and your situation, OP. This happened to my mum when I was born (my dad is from a different country and his mum speaks no English) and it didn’t end well at all. She (my grandmother) flew home after a huge row, and they didn’t understand each other! Best to say something now, rather than try and struggle on. It will only get worse, in my opinion. It’s better to potentially offend someone now rather than for you to have a major breakdown in the near future.

As far as settee is concerned claim it back the second she's not in it -she can't possibly be sat in it 24/7. Get back in there and spread your stuff out to indicate you are still sat there even if you have to get up

Probably got ILTR before the language requirements came in.

If so, you'd think she'd have learnt at least a bit in all those years, but it's amazing how people can insulate themself from it if they have a close relative who can translate and an insular community. My dad moved to Thailand 30 years ago, has a Thai wife and kid, has set up businesses and makes his way around but can barely say hello and thank you in Thai.

Are you sure your husband had not been in conversation with his mother behind your back and encouraged her to move in? But I’m surprised that your MIL, being from Western Europe, would have lived in the UK for several years without having a reasonable grasp of English. Also I would be questioning her visa status.

OP I am so sorry.

Your MIL needs to move out.

Did you discuss with both of them if it was going to be a temporary arrangement. Does she want to stay in this country. Could you help her go to her own country. Tell your partner that this isn’t working for you , your house isn’t your own and she needs to find alternative accommodation. How long is her Visa for it is she entitled just to stay

Don't blame yourself for saying she could stay. She was in an abusive relationship and providing her with an escape was a compassionate thing to do, you didn't know you'd feel this way.

Agree you need to put some rules in place that suit you. Move her off the sofa so you can reclaim your place, lie down and tend to the baby as you please. Let her know she'll need to be in her room when you have the health visitor or a the psych team or whoever coming over. Don't worry about if she'll like it (don't be nasty to her, but don't tip toe around her). This is your house, you are postpartum with a baby, and you set the rules. If she wants to have a say she's going to have to earn that right to some extent.

She's only been there 3 days, you've made her welcome but if this is for the long haul you need to set boundaries and expectations ASAP. Maybe have a house meeting where you go over things - including perhaps when she needs to make herself scarce so you and DH can have time together.

If DH won't explain to her, use google translate (plain language, short sentences. No idioms).

Maybe look into getting her some English classes.

This is all without reading your previous thread. Other posters seem to think DH is abusive not just young, witless and a bit in thrall to his mum but basically trainable, and if that's the case, talk to your health visitor about how you get out.

No, no, no!

Sorry if you've already said but how old are you OP and how long have you been with your partner?

If young and impressionable there is help, if older there is help. This situation smacks simply of control from a culture where this may be normal. It's not acceptable in the UK, there are rules and laws to help you get out of this situation. Reach out, find someone who can legally mediate for you. Xx

Yes maybe then . Although if she’s moved away for so long I’d be surprised if she hasn’t broken some kind of residency requirement.

Regardless I wouldn’t be letting her put foreign language shows on when I was there and wanted to watch something!

I would say it depends on the background/ where they are from. I have met older people in some parts of Italy, for example, who could not speak a word of English - usually older people in very rural/ remote areas.

Same goes for mental health taboo - you would not believe how prejudiced some older Italian people are (I use Italy as an example as I go there a lot and dated an Italian village guy for a bit so met his family)

Ask for him to go with you on a walk. Talk to him about it. Small things could make all the difference without having to blow the whole relationship up and throw her out. Ask him to ask her to sit on the small sofa. Ask for him to interpret for you so you can speak to her a bit? Ask him to make sure she goes out and about for big chunks of the day, or upstairs to her room as she prefers, at known times (eg every afternoon) so you can have your appointments and snuggle time with your baby. Have your appointments at home - if she doesn't speak Englizh she won't know what is being said, DH can just say it is mother and baby checks, or just obliquely refer to a health issue.

Also kindly you say he has been great lately - but if baby was two weeks old and you had guests for 10 days and now baby is 5 weeks surely that was only 2-3 weeks max he has managed to not be a dickhead? He should be stepping up to support you with how you are feeling re his mum, if he isn't then that isn't right. Have you any friends you could go to?

Your post suggests you are really, really struggling and blaming yourself. You need to get out of this situation, even if only for a short time, to give yourself some breathing space. Can you afford to have a long weekend away somewhere where you can just relax and snuggle with baby? Even a hotel room for a night? Or to your parents, again even if only for a night or two? Time and space can make things feel so much better, and give you the strength to tackle the issues better. I am so sorry it is all so hard for you at the moment- but it will get better, even if it doesn't feel like it will.

I remember your last thread and that was bad enough but I honestly can't imagine how awful this is for you. Have your mental health team given any advice? I wish you to be free of this. How would you feel about leaving him? Or talking to him? Or even showing him this thread. I don't know anyone who could live in a situation like that for long. If you can afford it, as PP have said, go to a hotel and leave DP home to read this thread. If he doesn't understand then you're better off without him xxx

OP - I can't believe you are still with this guy. Your relationship is abusive, no matter how he presents for a few weeks.

Do you have anybody at all who you could go and stay with for a week OP?

Im sorry and I hold your hand while I say this.... this is a massive culture clash and I imagine you have lots of issues in the future.

I hope you have a plan to return to work?

Have a conversation with him about this not working.