Regretting letting MIL move in, feel mentally unwell over it. AIBU to ask what to do?

Please call women’s aid.

Tell him you want to break up due to his prioritising others over you and your baby and he can either buy you out or you sell up, use the money to either get a flat by yourself or rent near your mum. Please OP - we are all behind you, you can do it.

Claim your space back.
aak her to move to the small sofa if she’s on your spot when you want to sit there.
set some house rules - after say 9pm she has to be in her room; no rearranging any furniture etc
get her a tv for her room if possible.
make her somewhat comfortable but don’t let her take over the house.
does she have a place in her country to go back to? Does DH have siblings that she can stay sometimes with?
you guys have to talk and figure it out.

OP, you are a lovely kind and generous person. And don’t your husband’s freeloading relatives know it! They imposed on you when you were recovering from childbirth, and now you face having MIL on you case and in your home forever.

You have been far too generous with these people, who will take all they can and give nothing in return.

Offering to take MIL in was unwise, as they are probably from a culture in which DILs are expected to do this and give up their independent lives for ever.

But you can still put things right. Get your husband to tell her your offer was only meant to help her out temporarily. Make it clear to him that he should back you up, even if it means opposing his family. If you don’t stop it soon, they will drain the life out of you.

Hi op you need to be honest with your dp your mil is making you uncomfortable in your own home she can’t just sit where you would normally or you need to move the baby closer to you. If she doesn’t understand English why do you have to leave your own home your dp needs to tell her to sit upstairs out of the way whenever you have an appointment you are letting her take over. If you don’t speak up now you will resent both of them and that’s not healthy for you or your dc. Why couldn’t she have stayed in her country with other family members why live in England but not learning the lingo. She’s not going to get far in life.

I have voted YABU. The reason I have, is that you took huge amounts of shit from these people in your last thread, and now you're taking huge amounts more. You need to woman up here.

I remember your last post OP and, despite the apparent appearance of things improving, I hope you're still planning to leave. In the meantime, people are allowed to change their mind. You felt bad for her and said she could stay with you. You've tried it and, the reality isn't working for you. You can either discuss and agree what would make it work with your husband, then both sit down with your MIL and have a detailed conversation about what needs to change; or you can say you've changed your mind and she will need to find somewhere else to live.

You don't have to feel guilty about changing your mind. You have a lot on your plate. Her problems are not your problem to solve.

Heartbreaking to see you back here after your other thread with yet more misery caused by your partner's family.

You need to leave.
You need to go.

There are people here who are advising you to speak to womens aid/ your health professionals/ your family.
Please listen to them this time.

What kind of life are you going to have with this man and his ridiculously insensitive family? They won't go away.
You need to leave.

If she has ILR then where did she live before and so can she go back to those or similar arrangements?
This seems unsustainable OP. Your priority and DPs needs to be you.

@Aristocack You sound overwhelmed and very vulnerable.

you need outside help find your nearest WOMENS AID.

you are in an abusive situation.

as regards your MIL if she was living abroad for two years or more then her right to remain lapses, she would likely have to apply for a new rentry visa.

so you could call the crime stoppers to re port her as illegal anonymously if that might help.

I just read your last thread
Your MIL is from western Europe and im guessing is in her 60s/70s: she speaks some English, trust me.

Your mum has a spare room, so you need to take your baby and go there, and tell your partner you will not be going back until MIL has left.

Btw I've lived extensively across western Europe and cant think of a country in this part of the world where mental health is "taboo" these days.
Your partner is gaslighting you again

How do you get ILR if you can't even speak English? Can't she go back to wherever she got ILR?

I also think this is your only option (and it’s a good one, your mum will look after you)

I don't really have any advice but I can sympathise with your plight as my ex's parents are the same although in their case at least they spoke English reasonably well. But even then when they visited for months on end it was dreadful. I can't imagine how i'd have coped if they'd moved in!

It's just the feeling of never being able to relax in your own home at any point as there's always someone else there under your feet / in the way. It's absolutely stifling. You really need to have a serious honest conversation with your DP and tell him how you feel.

Your DP needs to step up and move his move out! Or atleast have a move out date sorted with her. Have you spoken to him about how you’re feeling

She cannot stay.
You need to put your baby first.
You are a mother, your baby needs you well above all else.
This has been a total shit show because of him and his family.
Put your baby before him and his mother.
Tell the medical you need support.
His mother cannot stay.
This is absolute madness.
Tell him she cannot stay.

OP I mean this kindly as you have so much going on with a new baby and it’s so overwhelming but you MUST stand up for yourself and your baby. No one can take your baby off you, if she tries you just hold on to your child and say no firmly to your MIL, if she sits next to the Moses basket to rock it you move the Moses basket next to you. If she can’t understand English I don’t see why your can’t have your appointments at home? It’s not like she will know what’s being said? Can you get a cover for breastfeeding to make you feel comfortable? Your partner is useless and I am so sorry you are going through it but you can stop some of it. Unless you are worried that doing so will mean your husband will abuse you in any way and if that is the case you must leave with your child.

You are allowed to change your mind.

Your joint decision to let her move in was made under different circumstances, when you were in a different place mentally, before you became a mother, before everything in your life changed.

You now have a new set of facts. You are struggling deeply, mentally. You have a brand new baby. You have a new home. You did not know that when your MIL moved in she would steal your spot on the couch, grab your baby, stay up past midnight, the list goes on. If you had known all the facts, I highly doubt you ever would have offered to let her move in.

You are an adult. You have the right to change her mind. Given how she is behaving, she is hardly making herself welcome, either. For the sake of your mental health and for the sake of having good mental health for you baby you must put yourself first and say she has to leave.

You are allowed to put yourself (and by proxy your baby) first, not your MIL.

He has a sister doesnt he?
Why is MIL with you when she could have been crashing with her daughter in her home country?

@Aristocack I followed your last thread where you gave a blow by blow account of how miserable you felt because of your partner's family members staying in your house shortly after your baby was born. You didn't mention in that thread that you'd agreed to his mother moving in with you. In no way was that going to help you

You received such a lot of good advice on here and also posted that you had a plan to return to your (foster)? parents' home as they were prepared to support you

What a sad turn of events to now read how your living situation has got so much worse.

Legal advice also needed here as you bought a house with this PoS

Good luck with getting away and raising your child

Firstly stop beating yourself up. You are allowed to change your mind. Especially once you’ve had a baby, everything changes.

You need to get your partner on his own and talk to him. Tell him you’re not coping with the change in dynamic and your home no longer feels like your home. Suggest that she could start looking for a place to rent if she wants to stay in the UK, but it needs to be soon because you need space now to get yourself better.

If he sides with his mother then I’m afraid you have to leave him, split your assets and start again. Very very few people could cope with living with their MIL long term (I certainly couldn’t), let alone when they’ve just had a baby. And no good partner would demand it of the person they love. If that’s the only package on offer then you need to send it back.

You are allowed to change your mind. You married him, not his family.
So sorry OP. Speak up, you're not happy.

OP this is heart breaking to read. I’m also in my baby bubble and I’m ready for visitors to leave after an hour.

Please please continue to breastfeed. That way when this ‘relationship’ comes to breaking point he can’t take the baby to punish you.

In the meantime stop making your MIL/partner so comfortable. You get priority, it’s your house, you’re postpartum and physically unwell. Tell your ‘D’P that his mum has to sit in the armchair. The TV should be in English (she’s living in England) and you should get the right to have whatever you want on. Stop being a doormat and making it so easy for them.

I’ve just read your previous thread and it was utterly heartbreaking. It’s half term now but the following week lots of churches run mother and toddler groups. Please go out, make some friends, enjoy taking your baby out for coffee and cake.

Gosh even order a TV for your bedroom for you to have baby cuddles, eat chocolate and be comfortable. Honestly just check out from them as this relationship is currently dead in the water. If your ‘D’P doesn’t see her being their killing your relationship he evidently doesn’t really care. In the words of mumsnet get your ducks in a row as he’s going to play nasty regarding custody/turn your mental health (which EVERY WOMAN!!! Would have piss poor mental health in your position!!!) he’s caused this. Stay strong OP, let Mumsnet hold your hand to get out of there. In a years time this hopefully will seem like a horrible fever dream.

Goodness OP poor you!

You need to address with your husband that it is not working out

he should have your back! if not and if he cares more about his mum and wants her to live with him forever…. They can just live together

i am just racking my brain which country they could be from (having lived in many different places myself) but never experienced this lack of respect for mothers of newborns anywhere…

she will have to go back to her home country and sort her own life out

or else you will have to leave. Hope you find the strength. Good luck, be very kind to yourself.

Rather than telling you to move out I think you just need to learn to stop letting people walk all over you. Tell your partner how you are feeling, him and his mother may not be aware if you haven't said anything.

Don't be uncomfortable because someone is in your seat, ask for it back. Don't hand over the baby if you don't want to. Don't let MIL & DP push you out when you want to be near the moses basket. Don't breastfeed upstairs in your own house either (my dad is such a prude about breastfeeding but even he could deal with just not looking, I was going to feed my baby wherever I chose to!).

Start small, tomorrow claim your sofa seat back next to the moses basket, the day after breastfeed in the living room (if she feels uncomfortable then she can leave but if she's breastfed herself she'll probably just look away). Then put your kitchen back to how you like it. Then have your appointments at home and ask her to leave the room to give you privacy. If you can push yourself to do this you will feel so empowered!!

It's your home, do not let anyone make you feel uncomfortable in it! No one matters more than you and your baby so make yourselves the priority!