I’ve failed raising my ds

Many have advised you on education @Lastradaleia am rather concerned that he watches violent porn which is one of th factors in violence against women and femicide. Not saying your son will commit any of these but its a supportive factor and also a key contributor to general demotivation. I looked up charities tht help with that and there quite a few. Please please contact a few of them. Here is one https://nakedtruthproject.com/about/
For hus sake, for your sake, and for the sake of the women he will cross oaths with
I also suggest you look into any therapies available to you. Even the poor talkingtherapies from nhs. They could offer someone to talk to but hopefully you can access both individual and family therapy. Which county or even town/borough are you in so we can help you identify the best options for support services

Given all OP has said about the dad I think we can all agree that it is far better for her son that his father has been nowhere near him!

I’d prefer that to having no education.

How is it even possible to remove a child from school and not educate them at all for 5 years. The mind boggles.

It shouldn’t be. The local authority should be making annual enquiries at least and he won’t have flown under the radar as the school would have had to have told them he had been deregistered. I can only assume that the OP hasn’t been honest with them which is again awful as they could have got him back into education.
This is not home education, it’s neglect.

I’m afraid I agree with this. I have huge sympathy for the OP who has been through unimaginable pain and trauma and I don’t blame her for this. But I think it’s unconscionable that its possible for children to be taken out of school (for whatever reason) and to simply drop off the radar of social and educational authorities.

The fact that this child dropped out age 11 and has been ignored and overlooked for five years is absolutely scandalous. Both OP and her son have been failed here.

We have a system that fails to distinguish between home educators who are providing a good education and deeply damaged or worse still actively neglectful people who are incapable of meeting a child’s needs.

We are storing up huge social problems with this.

This is one of those posts which makes you just feel so sad for everyone involved, but also really bloody sad that humanity and society can get to a point where the right support hasn't found you and your son in all these years. Even just the idea that neighbours wouldn't be able to pick up on your struggles and refer you on to someone, let alone the idea that you were allowed to just deregister him and then...nothing. That boy has been neglected, and deserves every sympathy that any child who has been neglected would get.

People are understandably being very gentle on you OP. You've had a tough time. But your son has reaped the consequences now, and it sounds like it's a bit beyond just trying to enrol him in college or anything like that. You need proper support and, actually, regardless of whether or not you want social services involved, you have a duty to both your son and the society you live in to actually try and do something about this now. I'm surprised, given you said you had therapy, that you weren't signposted towards any further support at all.

If you absolutely won't call social services, then at the very least speak to your GP and see what support is available in your area that you can be signposted to or referred to.

You mention the stepson but write he is the youngest with a big age gap, does he have other siblings?

To be honest the stepbrother could be a Father figure, he may listen to him, he also may not but consider this.

It’s a lot to unpick as he has had multiple traumas and has not been educated. You are a family that did and does still need social services, you should refer yourself.

You feel like you have failed your son because you have. By not now reaching out to support services, you are being negligent. Your son has had minimal parenting and no education. I work with offenders and many grew up like your son. It isn’t too late to make changes but you aren’t equipped to do this on your own. Contact social services and see if there’s a family hub where you are. Done have drop in sessions for NEETs. The longer you leave this, the more entrenched his behaviour will become. This is exactly why there needs to be more oversight for children that don’t attend school.

He’s too old to get Cahms referred, social services will do nothing, his mother is incapable of dealing with him, given all she’s outlined.

He has primary education, we don’t even know if he can read. I see the army as an opportunity. I think you can sign up at 17, they’ll get him fit, he’d be subject to a strict regime, be socialised, he might even like it. He needs a complete change of scene. Because it’s clear from the OP she’s not able to do anything. He’s heading down Criminal Row or Benefits Street or Drug Avenue very quickly without drastic intervention.

No child should go to a school where they are physically beaten and humiliated on a daily basis.

It is traumatic and we wouldn’t say this to a woman who was being beaten up at home, so we shouldn’t say it about a child.

Abuse is actually much more damaging to children than it is adults who have the ability to leave.

However, I completely agree about the homeschooling.
I am anti-homeschooling for this very reason.

I am sure that some people homeschool well but IME everyone that homeschools does it for their own benefit, rather than the child’s.

This boy sounds extremely disobedient and I can’t imagine how OP was able to sit him down and do 5+ hours of education every day.
And I’m not sure how easy it was to get him out every day when you have agoraphobia.

He should have been forced to try different schools at least.
He is now going to have trauma around other people and education, meaning going to college or getting a job is going to incredibly challenging and it’s not just him being defiant but because he’s not been given the chance to overcome and build his resilience.

@ThisEdgyRobin

I completely agree.

I’m actually really frustrated that this was allowed and feel he was also failed by the entire system.

Why was an 11yo boy who had been physically attacked, allowed to stay at home for years with a mentally ill parent and no father and literally no one thought to check up on him.

How often is this happening under the guise of ‘homeschooling’

OP can you give us an example of a typical week for him?

What does he do every day - does he go out with friends all day or typically stay in?
Does he do sports or hobbies etc?

Obviously this will help us give advice.

Is he currently year 11 or year 12?
What GCSEs does he have?

Remember, when he hits 18 if he’s not in education you will not receive any UC or CB for him.
If he’s refusing to work then you’ll need to support him on very little benefit money.

No idea why EdgyRobins post in reply to mine was deleted. I was just replying to her.

The army take boys from age 16, no qualifications needed. This is the only solution this lad has as nobody in his life and nobody in social services are going to do a thing for him. If his mother could summon all her energy on getting him to sign up.

https://jobs.army.mod.uk/roles/infantry/infantry-soldier/

Sell it to him as an exciting career, like video gaming, but with real guns, a big salary, no books to study …

I’m personally very anti war, but the army can make men of boys like this lad.

He can join at 16 and if he would, and if they would take him, it would be the making of him. @iwishtoo, they used to take boys like him because they were outwardly tough, prepared to shoot people when told to and risk being killed themselves, and they could make great soldiers out of them. I don't know if they still do.

He's destined to die of a drugs overdose or prison as a drug dealer if something drastic doesn't happen soon, yet his mother won't talk to Social Services 🫩

Poor boy, failed by absolutely every adult and institution around him.

So he has been out of school since age 11 & you've not had local home education team on at you? Where i live if you arent actually evidencing some form of education (even alternative/vocational but with maths & english) you'll get a notice to send the child back to school.

Has he had any bereavement support for the loss of his sister? It sounds like he really has had a huge amount of trauma.

I really think you need outside help. Social services. The army isnt a bad suggestion, hr wont be able to physically dominate their to refuse to cooperate, and the structure could be the making of him.

Or if he's Oppositionally Defiant, tell him on no account must he join the army

WTF?! So men who walk away and abandon their kids, don't carry any responsibility? A lot of blame SHOULD be put on his dad, of course the kid will be impacted by his dad having no love or interest in him.

Hi @Lastradaleia I am so sorry for everything you have gone through. Please contact the early help team at your local
authority, tell them what you have said here and ask them what support they can give. Ask them about NVR programmes or google it - non violent resistance- programmes to take back parental control by rebuilding your relationship.

I don’t know why they were deleted either as from what I saw they didn’t break any of the MNs rules so I’m not sure.

I don’t know much about the army but it’s either that or a very depressed life, probably full of crime and so I think encouraging him to join the forces is actually a very good idea.

However, it sounds like he’s not spent a day away from home for at least 5 years and not been around people, so that’s going to be the biggest challenge.

I actually think all young people should be encouraged to either stay in education/work or go into the forces.
We have a massive number of young people who don’t attend education and therefore will likely struggle to work as they get older and instead of being allowed to do nothing, they should be made to do either/or.

If I was OP I’d be telling him he has to go to college, do an apprenticeship or join the forces.
If he refuses to go to open days then I’d be asking people if they’d be willing to come to the house and talk to him.

I'm sorry, OP, but your son sounds disgusting.

He needs an appointment with a psychiatrist immediately.

Army is a good suggestion. Stop buying him phones, he needs an incentive to earn his own money and live independently.